Yes, hard to believe, but the newest indictment handed down by the Bristol (Palin)-based "Blame Yankees first" crowd involves the snake-faced, rat-bastard criminals of the Yankiverse, who are stuffing the box in the otherwise pristine MLB All-Star balloting.
Horror. Outrage. Scandal. As we speak, Russell Martin, Mark Teixeira, Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, Robinson Cano and Curtis Granderson are leading vote-getters at their positions. If Dick Cheney were still president, dammot, this wouldn't be allowed. Where the Hell are Youk and Dusty!
Let's ignore the fact that each Yankee is either a future Hall-of-Famer -- the kind of player fan voting was supposed to recognize -- or having a legitimately great year. Fuckit. They're Yankees. We're ruining another summer. It's like the last reel of a Scoobey Doo: "It's those darn kids again!"
Derek Jeter? What's he doing up there! Obviously, nobody from another city would think of voting for Jeter, as recognition for 3,000 hits, a handful of rings, an untarnished career and an increasingly respectable batting average (after reading his obit throughout the month of April). Nope. The fans should be recognizing for Clemontine Betancourt or Ishamel Doolittle, or whoever just came up from the Iron Pigs and went 3-4. Those are the true all-stars!
And Curtis Granderson? Outrage! Sham! He's merely second in the league in HRs. Where's JD Drew on that list?
Says Jim "ESPGlenn Beck" Caple, holding his nose as he writes of the human reptiles known as Yankee fans:
They obviously don't care enough about their own team to make sure that every single starter on the All-Star roster is a Yankee. How do they think these embarrassing vote totals make Nick Swisher (seventh among outfielders) and Brett Gardner (11th among outfielders) feel? How can those two respond to the roll call knowing that those same fans don't care enough to make them starters ahead of a guy with one home run (Hamilton) and a guy who doesn't even play for a team in the United States (Bautista). I'll tell you how it makes them feel. Like they're not True Yankees. Like they play for the Pirates or the Royals.
OK, maybe there's a tongue in a cheek there somewhere. But between every line ever writen by an ESPN flunky, the scribe takes a moment of internal reflection to recall (sniff sniff) Curt's bloody sock. They've hated the Yankees for so long that nuance no longer exists. They're like the hosts of Fox & Friends making fun of Weinergate.
Today, we're charged with the ultimate crime... of loving too much.
WELL, ESPN... WE PLEAD GUILTY! Take us your Gitmo! (Where the waterboard equivalent is having to listen to your anti-Yankee hate-screed announcers.) YES, WE LIVE, WE LOVE, WE STUFF MAILBOXES, WE TAKE UP MORRIS DANCING ON BEHALF OF OUR TEAM. GUILTY AS CHARGED, JUDGE JUDY. TAKE US AWAY.
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2 comments:
WE TAKE UP MORRIS DANCING ON BEHALF OF OUR TEAM....
El Duque, would you be my partner?
perhaps the ballot box was hacked causing a bulging of yankee votes.
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