Eight ways to make the All-Star Game more interesting

1. Have each batter be pitched-to by his father.

2. Whenever a player gets on firstbase, to maintain his spot, he must fight the firstbaseman.

3. Bikini supermodel umpires.

4. Never again play it in Arizona, a city that would celebrate its only World Championship ever by mocking the team that has heroically raised the soul of the nation, following a terrorist attack, by playing "New York, New York" on its p.a. system in the moments after victory. Such a franchise -- which funneled more money to the Republican Party ($217,900, in the 2010 Congressional elections, according to the Center for Responsive Politics) than any others sports team -- should never be chosen to host the event. 

5. Have Tim McCarver give "tickle attack" to each pitcher while warming up.

6. Emimem performs new theme music for each batter at the plate.

7. Somehow incorporate Nancy Grace. (Bud Selig should be able to figure out something.) (NOTE: This is NOT an offshoot of No. 3.)

8. Replace event with actual regular season game between Yankees and Redsocks.