Yankeetorial: Old George would have signed Humanis Centepedes

These days, it's clear: The Steinbrothers were adopted. Or else raised by frugal Third World nannies. They value every penny. They treasure each meal. They sing, two hours of pushing broom rents an eight-by-twelve four-bit room. No phone, no pool, no pets; they ain't got no cigarettes. They're unwilling to spend money. Yes, their precious, golden money. They love it more than winning.

By now, their father must be rooming in Hell with Christopher Hitchens, burning forever while Hitler and Joe Stalin take turns driving fiery spikes into their fingernails - but George is there not for smartmouthing God, but because his sons turned out to be chinzier than a leftover Value Meal. (Question to shrinks: Are they playing cheap because their father loved the Yankees more than them?) George would have never passed on Yu Darvish. George would have never let Albert Pujols go. And now, Humanis Centepedes, the video sensation and greatest Cuban import since red-speckled roaches, didn't even warrant a Cashman foot rub. The guy's verticle leap is north of Cody Ransom territory, but we sat in our darkened offices, the thermostat turned down to 50, while the Oakland A's signed him. We've outspent by the moneyball team!

Used to be, a Yankee fan had money. We weren't supposed to worry about team payroll. It was the best deal in American sports, the only team where you rooted hard and never feared being outspent. A free agent came on the market -- we grabbed him. And we never ran around poormouthing. We were the Yankees, and we always overpaid, and we wiped our butts with million dollar bills.  

Now, folks want AJ Burnett slathered with tar and sent to Pittsburgh on the Lake Shore Limited, and it's  all about money. If it wasn't, they'd be screaming about how Phil Hughes had to go.

We're about to trade Burnett to Pittsburgh for nothing, not even a decent prospect. He'll rebound and have a solid year. They always do. By June 15, we'll be calling Kevin Millwood's number, looking for somebody to start in a big series, because everybody else is on the DL or horrible. And why will this have happened?

Because our owners were adopted.