Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Redsock fans are thoroughly spooked

They stand at the precipice, ready to leap. They sense Brady's Patriots are self-immolating, the Celtics won't last, and their best chance for a World Series came and went last October. They entered this winter expecting to get Giancarlo Stanton, plus maybe even the Japanese Babe. Morale-wise, they're down to stems and seeds - hoping David Price magically wins the Cy Young, or that Hanley Ramirez just vanishes - poof! - like Charlie Rose on the morning show. 

Cold, dark times for Boston frat bros.

Lately, I've been visiting Redsockian fan-boner sites. It's like reading Sylvia Plath with the oven door open. Their despair is as thick and unappealing as microwaved gruyere on a Snickers bar. To them, the twosome of Stanton and Aaron Judge is the most astonishing cultural setback since neo-hippies started pairing Dark Side of the Moon with The Wizard of Oz. Everywhere they look, 2018 smells like a plate of bad clams. Some nuggets:

The Sox have the same rotation as last year. Last year, it wasn’t good enough. There is no reason to think it will change this year.

 I don’t see how this Red Sox team can leap over the best teams in baseball. And I didn’t even mention the Yankees yet! After trading for Giancarlo Stanton, that lineup looks absolutely terrifying.

Here we are again. In many ways, the Red Sox predicament is similar to the chain of events that led them to David Price's door. 

Here's my fave... This poor guy is reliving 1927.

[Machado] could pair with Stanton, AL Rookie of the Year Aaron Judge and catcher Gary Sanchez to form a middle of the order gauntlet on par with the Babe Ruth/Lou Gehrig-fronted Murderers Row of the 1920s.

Mwa-hahaha! Isn't it wonderful? Ice cream! Boston cream pie! And he didn't even mention Bird and Didi! Even if Boston tomorrow pulls out its wallet and signs J.D. Martinez, 2018 looms like a Spotify playlist of Sinead O'Connor. We did it, folks! We won the winter! 

Only one problem...

Nobody remembers who "wins" the winter. Nobody gives a shit. Boston "won" last winter. Here's hoping Cashman doesn't seek to run up the score with some over-the-top trade. If Houston wants to overpay for Geritt Cole, so be it. We won the winter. Now, let's win a spring. And that means keeping Red Thunder, if only for a rainy day. 


13bit said...

yes on all counts. we won the winter. let's not lose the decade by trading Clint or Justus. they may bomb out, but we'll never know if we trade them. SIT TIGHT, MOFOS! STAND PAT! SIT, STAND, AND PAT! TIGHTEN UP! STAND DOWN! however you want to put it, let's chill the F out and just focus on pitchers and catchers, rapidly approaching. no big moves. no moves is good moves. do I need more coffee? will I ever capitalize a word again? only the shadow knows. DO NOTHING, CASHMAN. DO NOTHING. we are good just the way we are.

by the way, or BTW, as we like to say in idiot land, is anyone having to spend more time "proving you're not a robot" than ever before? what's up with this system? what happened to good old "captchas?"

I need more coffee.

Ken of Brooklyn said...

Amen on winning the winter, and, AMEN El Duque on crafting these two sentences together,,,,,,
"Their despair is as thick and unappealing as microwaved gruyere on a Snickers bar. To them, the twosome of Stanton and Aaron Judge is the most astonishing cultural setback since neo-hippies started pairing Dark Side of the Moon with The Wizard of Oz."

Pure f*cking GOLD!

Der Kaiser said...

I think robots are better than humans at proving they're not robots.

Masked Editor said...

according to the NY Post Starlin Castro is already begging to be traded away from Jeter...

John M said...

I feel bad for Castro. I liked him, even though he never once jogged like Robbie jogs. And now he's in Marlins hell.

Well, he'll feel better when Stanton only hits 30 home runs in an injury-riddled year. He'll be able to stick out his tongue and go "nyah, nyah!"

As for the Sox...I have a female cousin who is a huge Red Sox fan, along with her husband. We watched a Yankees-Sox game together this past summer, and amazingly, they had exactly the same complaints about their team as my wife and I had about the Yankees. Idiot manager. Stupid front office. Incredible ability to throw away opportunities on the field. On and on.

It was strangely great. I still don't like the Sox, but at least some of their fans are just as skeptical as we are.


HoraceClarke66 said...

As a robot, I can say that it is actually quite easy to avoid the "are you a robot?" part.

And the depth of our midwinter gloom seems to have brought out the best writing by everyone here, starting with Duque. Ah, how I love to see those Sox fans wriggle! (Even if we do have a disturbing amount in common with them.)

Don't worry about Starlin; his new DP partner will be Cito Culver. From Didi to C.C.! And no more worrying that the SS is going to make you look bad by comparison.

Meanwhile, another nil-nil today, leaving Soccer up 6-0 on the Yankees, who have gone down the memory hole at the Times.

Not even a story about the Mets pretending to pay a player who has been banned for life...These really are the winter doldrums.

Leinstery said...

breathe easy.

RIP Cito Culver, gone but etched into our memories forever.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

"they're down to stems and seeds"

Pure III gold.