Sunday, December 23, 2018

Happy Cheapo Christmas to Food Stamps Hal Steinbrenner

Hello, Mr. Steinbrenner, and thank you for visiting IIHIIFIIc. Everyone is excited to meet you. Have some of our Ellsbury Eggnog. Alphonso has a necktie for you.

A couple things, though, while I have you...

I read where David Robertson is supposed to be on the verge of signing with Boston. Apparently, the Yankees can't afford him? 

Uh-huh? Uh-huh? Huh.

They say Manny Machado this weekend is hanging with the fam, debating whether to take your relatively low-ball offer or take the money that Philadelphia is said to be dangling. What's that all about?

Uh-huh? Huh.

Bryce Harper... oh, I'm sorry, you look pale. I won't mention Bryce Harper. He costs too much, right? He is in "Dodgers territory." 

Let's talk about successes. I hear J.A. Happ turned down a better offer to sign with the Yankees, so he could stay in New York. Do you have plans for the money you saved?

Oh, please, don't leave. Sit down. SIT. Thank you. Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't the Yankees spent all of 2018 with a capped payroll, so they could cut luxury taxes and spend on the big upcoming class of free agents? Was I dreaming? No? Because... well... 2019 is here.

No, you don't need to leave. Alphonso wants to give you a neck massage. Just relax, as he goes through your pockets.  

You know, sir... used to be, a Yankee Christmas meant gifts under the tree - a Mussina or a Giambi - even a CC and Tex. But this year, we seem to be looking to trade the best young Yankee hitter in this generation for - what - a starting pitcher with a friendly contract? I mean, is that the Yankees of old?  

Oh, you have to leave? Okay, I understand. But if I may... one thing... 

Nothing is yet carved into stone. Maybe this Yankee frugality is just a Russian disinformation campaign? Maybe you're playing it cool, so we can swoop in and spend with authority?

Uh-huh? Uh-huh? Huh... 


Sir, before you go, one final request: Can we just match Boston, dollar for dollar? 

That's my Christmas miracle: The Yankees don't need to be the big-spending Dodgers. But this notion of being outspent by Boston to the tune of $40 million - sir, that's a disgrace. What? You gatta go?  

Merry Christmas. Hey, you forgot your necktie!

20 comments:

TheWinWarblist said...

I remember a year ...

AJ ⚡ CC

Did I dream it? Was it so long ago?

13bit said...

That was for Daddy Warbucks. Hal did it for George, probably to guarantee that he would maintain estate primacy over simple-minded Hank. I have come to ascribe nothing but evil, self-serving motives to every last little thing that Hal does. He is a greedy little man and, remember people: HE JUST DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT WINNING, THE FANS OR ANYTHING PAST THE TIP OF HIS NOSE. Reminds me of a few other people I can think of.

And, on an unrelated note, I'm getting tired of the Weather Channel harping relentlessly on a "white Christmas" and "snowflakes for Christmas." I want the weather, you turds. The weather. I know it's all entertainment now, but I miss the days when real geeks ran the weather channel and men of substance read the news in monotones without yelling or crying. BRACE UP, ASSHOLES! Do your jobs!

Joe Formerlyof Brooklyn said...


I know IIH is a baseball blog. Also, I really (really, really!) appreciate the minimal quantity of political crap here.

But -- the paragraph on The Weather Channel by 13bit was simply outstanding. Thank you!

13bit said...

Love for the Weather Channel transcends all party lines and political affiliations.

Happy whatever to everybody - at least, to all Yankee fans.

Okay, everybody...

TheWinWarblist said...

I like that the weather geeks now broadcast outside during hurricanes. It's just a matter of time before one (or more) of them get blown away. That'll be great video. Sad, but great.

TheWinWarblist said...

I'd play it on an endless loop as my screen saver.

JM said...

In this pathetic off-season, the brightest point of light is the return of the Ignatz avatar for 13bit.

Truly, we are blessed.

13bit said...

John, you have almost brought tears to my eyes. I missed him, as well. I guess I am married to Ignatz at this point. Does that make me Krazy? Oh no...

Anonymous said...

Not being snarky but I don't get the Weather Channel both literally and figuratively.

There's this button on my computer that brings up a weather app that tells me whether or not it is raining here. I live in No. Cal so, spoiler alert... it's not.

It gives me a satellite map and a forecast for the next seven days with no commercials. That way I can see in a matter of seconds if it is going to rain. It's not. (Sigh) I wish it would.

If the Weather Channel is as committed to entertainment as you guys say, our local weatherman would have to be Woody Guthrie.

Reality check: I just looked and it will rain for a couple of hours on Monday. Just enough to screw up the traffic. Not enough to make a difference. I'll take it.


Doug K.

TheWinWarblist said...

Bitty, oh dear sweet microcephalic Bitty, I missed you as well ...

[takes hurled brick to base of skull]

Carl J. Weitz said...

Not to make it too political, but.....

Hal Steinbrenner is the Donald Trump of MLB owners. Over the last few years, he tells the world a story about why the Yankees can't add to payroll, that their longer-term strategy is to reset the payroll tax in order to pounce on valuable free agents after the 2018 season. It's in print , it's on video. It's everywhere. Turns out it was all a big lie. "so what, I lied...too bad. But you'll still come through the turnstiles and watch the team on YES. You'll continue to blog about the Yankees and myself. Yeah , I'm a big fat liar, 'boo hoo', so?"

Dishonesty has taken over our entire culture and most people react to the lying like the viewers in the late 60's and early 70's reacted the nightly gruesome images of injuries, dismemberment and deaths in Vietnam after a couple of years being exposed to it on TV: "Ho-hum, yawn, pass the roast beef".

Joe Formerlyof Brooklyn said...


Happy Effing Xmas from Boston -- delivered to Mariano --

https://www.sny.tv/yankees/news/red-sox-writer-explains-why-hes-not-voting-mariano-rivera-into-hall-of-fame/302169666

13bit said...

Doug - Here's the dirty little secret - it's not really about the Weather. It's more of a meditation, the Weather Channel is. Love you, too, Winnie.

I love you all, in fact.

As for that Sox scribbler who won't Mariano into the Hall. He just proved why Boston is such a bastion of assholes. That guy is the fly that hovers over a puddle of diarrhea that just sprayed out of a sick donkey's ass.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Yeah, there's always some dick like that when it comes to the Hall. Even Willie Mays was not a unanimous pick.

Again, most of these guys don't even understand the game they watch everyday.

What Mariano Rivera did was unique not only in baseball, but in sports. Pretty much every single time he was called upon, the game was on the line.

He succeeded more often than anyone else over a whole career, in winning those games. Nineteen seasons—and with the postseason, he put in about another two years, considering the number of innings pitched.

Properly used, he likely would never have failed in a big situation, with the possible exception of that 1997 game in Cleveland.

That is a remarkable record.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Yes! 13bit is en fuego for the holidays.

And John M., I don't want to start a political discussion, either.

But I will say this: I would actually rate Donald Trump over Hal Steinbrenner.

Whatever you think of Mr. Trump, he at least did deliver for the people who supported his effort and gave him their money.

Hal? He has just spent two months telling the people who have supported himself and his family for decades, and made them rich beyond their dreams...to go kiss his ass.

Think of that. When it comes to personal and professional integrity, our own ranks below Donald Trump.

Anonymous said...

13,

Thanks. If I ever get cable again I will light some incense and give it a try. :)

Re Mariano:

According to what I've read the guy isn't going to submit his ballot so Mariano can still be unanimous which makes him both a dick and a coward. Also there are guys on the bubble who could have used his vote to get in or stay alive. Putz.


Doug K.

13bit said...

It's Beantown, Jake...

ranger_lp said...

@HC...wrt Mariano...what makes it even more remarkable is that he did it with essentially two pitches. Moreover, the batters pretty much knew what was coming and still couldn't hit his pitches. He lost to Arizona on a fluke seeing eye base hit. If he had won that WS, he would have been even more immortal than the immortality Mo already enjoys. And agreed on 97...he's wasn't perfect...but Mo was the closest to perfection we have ever seen.

TheWinWarblist said...

His post season numbers are preposterous.

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