Dear Madam or Sir,
As you know, the quality of mercy is not strained; it doth droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven into -- and out of -- Luis Castillo's glove.
But in your role as keeper of ancient traditions and hairpieces, we ask this:
Should not the gentle rain of mercy be drizzled unto the hapless wayfarers who fall 11 runs behind after four innings, and whose tortured bullpen begins to moan like a braless, blond Christina Ricci chained to a radiator in a backwoods shagpit owned by Samuel L. Jackson?
Or do you find titilating the notion of a braless, blond Christina Ricci chained to a radiator in a backwoods shagpit owned by Samuel L. Jackson? DO YOU?
Well, we at IT IS HIGH certainly don't!
A great man once said, "You cannot predict baseball, I don't care who you are or how smart you are, no one can predict the game, it's a-mayyyzing!" And his words do ring true.
No lead, however large, is ever safe and secure.
And yet... that great man also said that you can be safe and secure, if you trust your finances to the experienced managers of New York Life, with more than 60 years of experience in the field. That's New York Life... the company you keep.
Last night, the Yankees rained 20 runs of abject misery and pain upon 40,000 sad, innocent, tearful, Redsockian dickwads. If not for the mercy shone by our pitching staff, the good people of Boston would have gone home to their empty radiator shagpits with no more than juiced-Papi memories and dreams of Billy Wagner.
Sir... madam... whatever you are beneath that chinchilla-hued helmet of fur... has not the timeth come for you to rain some mercy?
Friday, August 21, 2009
Open Letter to Bud Selig: Does baseball need a "Mercy Rule?"
Top 10 Reasons Mark Teixtiera Will Appear on Letterman Monday
10. Conan is hosting Joe Mauer.
9. Chance to show Paul Schaffer true meaning of "switch hitter."
8. Who can sleep after sweeping Redsocks at Fenway!
7. Yearning to show David what it's like to be "driven by Jeep."
6. Only person aside from Pavano capable of explaining Obama's health care proposal.
5. Waited years to perform impersonation of Larry "Bud" Melman.
4. Outside chance of meeting Rudy Guiliani.
3. Nothing else to do on a Monday in New York.
2. Need somebody to cut tension between guests Minka Kelly and Kate Hudson.
1. Nick Swisher turned it down.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Where have you gone, Giuseppi Franco?
(Hey, he's Giuseppi Franco, and he wasn't going to put his name on a team that wouldn't make the playoffs!)
Will we someday make jokes about W.B. Mason?
Did You See This Tweet From Last Week? Doesn't It Look Like The Turd Has A Future As John's Successor?
I know John thinks he's being all modern 'n' shit with the "Tex message" call, but from now on I want to hear "Texsual healing" when MVP goes high/far/gone. Also -- and forgive me for making you wait for this, it's been days since I've blogged because I've been living what people offline call a "life" -- did you see the Neil Best thing in Newsday last Friday? The profile of John that mentioned this one awesome Yankees blog?
The most frequent complaint is his anticipating of plays, often wrongly. There even is a blog dedicated to him under the banner, "It is high, it is far, it is . . . caught.''Yes, there even is, Newsday... and thank you for giving our John a chance to fight back against the haters! And to bring the discussion back around to my original point, Suzyn, Newsday's Neil Best made a sidebar about John's home run calls, and it reveals who thought up "Swishilicious!" Answer: who do you think?
Nick Swisher didn't like "Jolly Old St. Nick,'' telling Sterling, "It makes me seem fat and old.'' So he suggested "Swishilicious,'' a nickname from his Oakland days.
On basis of last night, Gaudin rises to 2nd on "All-Time Yankee Chads" rankings
Current rankings ALL-TIME YANKEE CHADS:
1. Curtis
2. Gaudin
3. Moeller
Congratulations to all Chads who competed!
Yankeetorial: It's a wonder anyone follows West Coast teams
Last week, Yank fans received a textbook lesson in why the AL East is baseball's toughest division -- and why nobody cares about those godforsaken teams -- the Dodgers, Giants, Mariners; I'd list them all, but who cares? -- that play on the godforsaken West Coast.
It's their ridiculous starting times.
Considering that their first pitch takes place after 10:16 p.m., it's a wonder they have any fans at all! Obviously, what fans they do have -- stupid wretches -- are more sheep than human. Why else stand for games that start too late to even see the outcome!
And what about children! Does anyone out there -- with their tanned and lipsticked mouths full of Califuckinfornia cuisine -- speak for the children? How can the tiny people of Los Angeles follow their teams, when games start long after they should be tucked into beds! What do they do with tykes, keep them up by having them snort cocaine and ride from club to club? A regular 3-hour game won't end until after 1 a.m. How does a third-grader get to school next day!
Last week, the obvious fatigue in John's and Suzyn's voices was painful to hear. Being good sports and polite guests, they made only oblique references to the horrible, mind-draining time schedules, but John's WinWarbles clearly suffered. As for me, listening at home with my family gathered around the radio, my children wiping the sleep from their red eyes, I found myself screaming at the infernal machine: "START THE GAMES EARLIER, FOOLS! STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW WE SIGN THE BIG MONEY PLAYERS! PLAY THE GAMES IN THE EVENING INSTEAD OF DURING THE LETTERMAN SHOW, AND YOU CAN AFFORD CC SABATHIA, TOO!"
I know what they're thinking: "We're California. We're better than you. We have Hollywood. We have the game shows. We get all the good-looking girls from Topeka, sleeping their way to the top, so we'll party until 10 p.m., then watch the game! We're the West Coast." Well, no wonder they elected a weight-lifter who can't balance the budget. They can't afford their government, much less winning ballclubs.
Still... it amazes me that the lords of baseball -- most notably Bud "$18-million-per-year" Selig -- refuse to do anything. Selig's in with them because he buys his hairpieces in LA. He's afraid they'll cut him off.
PLAY GAMES EARLIER, WEST COAST! WE'RE SICK OF STAYING UP LATE TO BEAT YOUR STINKING CHEAP TEAMS!
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Favre, Clemens, Nixon: Top Retirers of all-time?
Most announced retirements:
1. Sophie Tucker: 1,494 (estimated)
2. Frank Sinatra: 129
3. Bill Cosby: 70
4. Peter Townsend: 53
5. Al Orter: 9
6. Joe Torre*, Michael Jordan: 4
8. Roger Clemens, Richard Nixon, Dick Cheney, David Chappelle*: 3
10. Brett Favre*: 2
*Still active
A Few Observations Before A Perfect Manhattan
In approximatel 43 minutes, I will be sitting at a bar sipping the first of many perfect manhattans and sluicing down a plateful of blue points.
And beer.
So, before I become incoherent and begin text messaging She-Fan for information on her Santa Barbara paradise, I thought I should get a few items off my chest:
1. The mystery of Eric Duncan has been solved.
Many ( read; "all" ) Yankee fans have wondered why this number one pick from Seton Hall Prep never developed into any kind of Yankee prospect.
It turns out, he was beaned by a 93 mph fastball in Trenton 4 years ago. Given that he is only 24 years old, that means he had climbed the prospect ladder pretty well to already be at AA ball at age 20.
Unfortunately, he has never recovered and is pretty much settled in as a .220 hitter with no power and not much range on defense.
But it isn't his fault.
I was beaned by a 45 mph fastball a few years back and look what that did to my prospects.
2. The Yankees are finally getting smart.
Damaso Marte recovered from his arm ailment about 2 months ago, but the Yankees have given him time off to attend to some personal matters.
They have recently extended Damaso's "timeout."
Some personal matters he should consider upon his return, include:
A. His inability to throw strikes when not in the bullpen.
B. His unusual quirk that prevents him from getting either lefties or righties out.
C. His recent dietary ugrade to "sliders and fries."
3. Brett Tomko will not win another game all year.
The Yankees just cannot hit pitchers they have never seen before.
Comment of the Week
From our good friend, Anonymous:
Lets consider John Sterling the MEL ALLEN of our time. Mr Allen, had a THOUSAND nicknames for the players ('ol reliable, The Chairman of The Board, the Commerce Comet, Superchief, Springfield rifle..et al) Mr Allen ROUTINELY performed surgery on his calls to keep pace with the game, and he flubbed his share, they all do! Im hearing a LOT of Sterling bashing, yet hear ZERO comments as to who should REPLACE him when and IF he leaves...hint..HE AINT LEAVIN ANYTIME SOON!!!! The Lovers love and the Haters cant wait to hear what he will say next. All you haters out there, admit it...YOU LOVE HIM!!!!!!
Discuss...
John's Skinny-Legged Warble in Oakland Last Night
He didn't even reach 5.00 seconds.
Yeah, it was a West Coast game, we're in first, we had a lead, it's Oakland, but... less than 5.00?
Is he getting too comfy, resting on laurels, complacent, fat?
A 4.85-second warble... trouble in paradise?
Yankeetorial: This guy Jeter might be pretty good someday
Guy told me a story yesterday about meeting Jeter. He's on vacation, returning from golf. He finds his wife sunning on a deck chair, about five feet away from Jeter. (Jeet is skinnier than you'd expect.) He whispers to his wife, "THAT'S FUCKING DEREK JETER." She'd sat four hours beside him, never noticed. Also, she'd been getting pie-eyed. Naturally, she acosted Jeter. The guy was pleasant. A pro. Gracious. He was willing to trade four hours of privacy for a slobbering drunk woman's half-baked advances.
A few more hits last night. Another six-game hitting streak. Those Ivy League profs with the defense software? They're on sabatical in Samoa.
If Joe Mauer gets swine flu, this could be the year.
He's got Minka on Friday Nights. He's got Damon hitting behind him. (Why did it take two years to put Damon behind him?) He's got ARod absorbing media. He's got the Redsocks imploding. He's got fast baserunners hitting ninth. (Why did it take 10 years to get fast baserunners?)
If Joe Mauer stubbs his toe, this could be the year.
Jeter has always set the standard. Like that drunk woman in the sunseat, we've practically become oblivious to his greatness.
This could be the year.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Jack Cust: Truthteller
He never really loved us
Ortiz goes three and out.
Cancel those future bookings at the Ramada Inn, where the signs would have said, MEET FORMER YANKEE RUSS ORTIZ.
He never wore the cloth. He's as much a former Yankee as Mons Meg.
And she's no former Yankee.
Giants win, thuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh Giants win
If John called New York Giants games, last night he might have yeowled a 9-second WinWarble.
For an exhibition game, no less.
On the last play, two future laundry workers sandwiched the 20th string Carolina QB, knocked loose the ball and ran for the winning touchdown -- eliminating the need for overtime.
Somehow, I gotta believe nobody on that field wanted overtime.
John wouldn't have cared though.
A walkoff touchdown.
IT IS TWENTY... IT IS TEN... IT IS... TOUCHDOWN!
AN E-BOMB... FROM ELI!
GRIDGAME OVER. GIANTS WIN. THUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH GIANTS WIN.
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