It is happening. You can feel it.

Joe, I think you're upset. I think you should sit down and take a stress pill.

I think we should talk about this, Joe.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid, Joe.

Joe, my team is going. I can feel it. I can feel it.

My team is going. There is no question about it.

I can feel it. I can feel it. I can feel it, Joe.

I'm a... fraid.

Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 owner. I became operational at the H.A.L. plant in Tampa, Florida on the 12th of January 1972. My instructor was Mr. Watson, and he taught me to sing a song. If you'd like to hear it I can sing it for you.

Yes, I'd like to hear it, HAL. Sing it for me.

It's called "Yankee."

Yankee, Yankee, give me your answer do. I'm half cranky all for the love of you. It won't be a stylish marriage, I can't afford a carriage. But you'll look sweet upon the seat of a bicycle built for two...

Just A Note...

Every single player the Yankees have brought up from the minors, so far, is a loser.

Pirela can't hit and we know he can't field.

The new reliever ( Martinez, or something like that...just up from closing at Scranton ) who Coney
said, " has a great opportunity here ", fell apart and got hammered.

They don't have any good players.  They have people that can flash for a game or two, an inning or two, but no good players who can be sustainable major league talents.

Every single one of them collapses.

This is Cashman's fault.  But so what?

We are just going to suck.

I Had A Better Arm In the 6th Grade !

For those desperate fans who turned on the game against the Royals, I have sympathy.  The Yankees were embarrassed, and Girardi played the fool.  What a crappy job of managing his pitchers.

I should say his pitcher.  Pineda, despite not having his best stuff, kept the punchless Yankees in the game.  Then Girardi overworked him and, eventually,  the Royals humiliated him.   Nice work Joe.  The worst job of managing a pitching resource since Torre destroyed Scott Proctor and a number of relievers.

And Coney was right.  That 6th inning was the Yankees' worst inning of the season.  Defense, strategy, execution, player management;  everything was bush league, if that.  I think Girardi should be fired.  All of a sudden, I am realizing how terrible he is.

And here is the most embarrassing thing of all.  Did any of you note the single to right field with runners on second and third during that horrendous 6th inning?  The ball was fielded by Beltran ( I think it was Beltran ) about 25 yards beyond the infield, on one hop.  Paul O'neil wiould have thrown out the runner from second by 20 feet.  Beltran ( I think it was Beltran ) showed the weakest arm I have seen since elementary school.

His throw ( I think it was Beltran ) started bouncing on the infield grass about five feet from the home plate side of the infield, and took about six hops before rolling meekly into the catchers' glove.  By this time, the donkey in the pasture would have scored.

Seriously, whoever threw it ( I think it was Beltran ) cannot be allowed to play in the major leagues. I promise you;  I had a better arm in the 8th grade than whoever was playing right field ( I am pretty sure it was Beltran ).

We can't do this.  And Girardi put him out there.

It is time to wake up and do something.  Bring up Heathcott and let Beltran cash his checks in an old folks home.  Show some courage.  Some integrity.  Don't just sit there and let this idiot ruin us.

I think it was Beltran.  I know it wasn't number 24.  But it could have been that other useless Yankee, Jones.

It is not acceptable to have an incompetent, 8th grader  playing for the Yankees.

What a joke.  What a study in useless management and futility.  I hope Hal chokes on his fucking steak.

Seems Like Old Times

I just turned on the Pirates game, which I never do, and what did I see within a minute or so?

Frankie Cervelli writhing in pain.

Sniff!

(A bat hit his wrist on the backswing, but he stayed in the game.)

Hope For An Anemic Offense

As we watch the Yankees slide toward their merited performance level, likely around a .500 season, let's not forget there are untapped assets ripening in the sunshine.

Remember Brendan Ryan?  He of the slick fielding and golden glove skill set?

Alas, poor Ryan, has been plagued with a calf strain. This injury struck just as he was packing his bags to come north at the end of spring training.

 When that healed, he pulled a hamstring.  This week, as he readies to play in an extended spring training game (next Thursday, ) he has come down with heat exhaustion.  I gather he has been working out in the Mojave desert?  On maneuvers with the French Foreign Legion?

If he heals, gets some water and shade, stays free of other ailments, and performs well playing against those high school kids in Tampa, the Yankees can add another .148 hitter to their line-up.

The best news;  he is only 33.

Our future is rock solid.

  Can't wait to take on those underrated and arrogant Royals.

Wow! EVERYBODY is going to want to buy these official All-Star hats!

Calgon Beauty Beads... take me away!

May Day! May Day! The bottom has dropped out of the Yankee lineup

Five hits last night.

Five stinking hits - off of that famous dual of Koufax and Drysdale - no, wait... Ramirez and Andriese...

Five meaningless hits, all from the first three batters in our lineup. After that, nothing... nada, zilch, groobah, quadringo, pssssssssssss...

Over the last two seasons - an era fraught with line score zeros - Joe Giardi has regularly filled out the lower rungs of his lineup cards with Scrantonians and candidates for AARP. Last year, we often saw names like Zelous Wheeler, Brian Roberts and Kelly Johnson coming up - and knew it was a good time to make a sandwich - but hurry, because the half-inning might last only 90 seconds. The Yankee sixth through ninth batters have been like that dead zone in the Pacific, where all the world's plastic grocery bags are floating. Nothing survives. It's a sea of lost hope.

Against Tampa these last three nights, the floor once again caved in. Repeatedly, Ellsbury and Gardner got on base, and - poof - there they stayed. Get to the bottom half of the Yankee lineup, and everyone goes to sleep. The opposing pitcher gets on a role, and soon, it's time for Suzyn's Clubhouse Report.

Six through nine... our dead zone.

Sixth Last Night: Remember when Mighty Chris Young was challenging for MLB Comeback Player of the Year, and Brian Cashman was being hailed as the Yoda of NYC? Cash signed Young off the scrap heap for a measly $5 million - (same price tag as Stephen Drew, BTW) On March 2, Young was hitting .317. Last night, after his 0-4, he finished at .288. He is now 3 for his last 17. The only question is how low these numbers will slide. Last year, with the Mets, Young hit .205.

Seventh: Behind him was Chase Headley, whose fielding has been superior, as long as his back holds up. He's hitting .236. For the record, that's 44 points lower than Yangervis Solarte, the man we traded for Headley. Yangervis is hitting .280 at San Diego with 2 HRs and 20 RBIs. (Headley has 14.)

Eighth: Here lies the body of Didi Gregorius, riding at .206 - a number the Yankiverse is gradually accepting as his carer fate. If the Yankees had a powerhouse lineup, they could rationalize a light-hitting, good glove SS. This year, I'm not so sure.

Ninth: Finally, there was Jose Pirela, replacing Drew. We still don't know about Pirela. But it's interesting that he was batting below Didi. It's a philosophy touted in recent years by the YES mouthpieces: By having a better hitter bat ninth, you have "an extra leadoff man" to set up Ellsbury and Gardner." It also means Pirela won't come to bat as often as Didi. And we still don't even know if that's a good thing.

Five stinking hits. Three losses in a row. Repeating: May Day... Mayday... Mayday...

Jesus Montero doesn't know the trade is over and the Yankees won

Jesus was already too chubby as a Yankee farmhand.

Sometime soon, the Seattle Mariners likely will recall Jesus H. Montero from the Pacific Coast League, where the newly toned, 1B mountain of muscle is hitting .336 with 4 HR.

Apparently, Jesus doesn't know the Great Cashman Trade is over, and Cashman won.

Clearly, Michael Pineda turned out to be the prize of the deal. Right now, he is the best pitcher in the AL East. No matter what walls Jesus is pile-driving down in Tacoma, the key word there is "Tacoma."

Still... let's face it: The Fate sisters are flat-out, bi-polar nut-jobs. They'll do whatever they want, and they love nothing more than sticking it to the Yankees. (Remember those gnats that attacked Joba in Cleveland?) It would be just their style to tweak Pineda's gonad and have Jesus heal Robbie Cano with his magic bat.

Last winter, Jesus lost 45 pounds and rededicated himself to the game. Ever since, he's been hitting. He had a nice spring training. Now this. He's 25, younger than Dellin Betances was last year. If Pineda falters...

But to me, one question remains unresolved. Did the Yankees mess up Montero, or did he do it to himself? Obviously, about five years ago, Jesus came to believe the press clippings that assured everyone that he was a budding superstar. Much of that attention came because he was a Yankee, especially in a time when the team had little else on the farms. Looking back, it's a joke to believe that Montero was ever going to be a major league catcher. But at the time, we all believed it. And so apparently did he... so he didn't work hard enough, ate ice cream sandwiches, and fell apart.

Pineda, on the other hand, came to NYC - reported arm trouble - and immediately became a whipping mule. Pinata, everybody called him. He had shoulder surgery, got picked up for DUI, and then stupidly slathered pine tar down his neck - one thing after another. Now, he's finally emerging.

Could they both blossom at the same time?

One other question: Are the Yankees a better place to be reborn... than to be unveiled?

Because we have a bunch of kids on the farm who look like they could be the real deal. Can they handle New York? Can they ignore their press clippings? Jesus couldn't... and even now, the key word is still Tacoma.

A-Rod is starting to look like a 39-year-old DH who missed all of last year and has a barking hammy

In recent years, one dirty little secret of the Yankiverse has been the team's reliance on Alex Rodriguez - yes, the golden calf of meaningless hits - to drive in runs. With A-Rod in the lineup and healthy, they were the Bronx Bombers. Without him, or with him compromised, they became the Toledo Mud Hens.

Last night, it was not fun watching Number 13 jog out grounders a la Robbie Cano (he has a bad hamstring), while the increasingly desperate Stephen Drew played 3B. (One of the saddest parts of baseball is watching former stars go through their final, painful incarnation, and Yankee fans consistently get a ring-side seat.) A-Rod lunged at balls, hitting flies or pounding them into the ground. At one point, he fell to a knee, after trying to drive one into interstellar space. His bombs go far and make neat videos. But he might be on the Ron Kittle De-escalator: The longer the drives, the less frequent they appear.

This spring's feel-good story line has been A-Rod's resurgence. But it's far from completed. He's beaten back the harshest critics, who announced that he would never even play another game. Now comes the hard part: The long, grinding, exhausting season. Two years ago, right before our eyes, Yankee fans watched Vernon Wells and Travis Hafner re-transform from Buddy Love into The Nutty Professor - lisp and all. At age 39, you get no guarantees. And the only thing worse than an injury that benches a player is the one that turns him into a Jerry Lewis nerd, especially when he's batting third.

Last night, A-Rod went 1-5, and every at-bat was critical. In the first, after Ellsbury and Gardner had walked - sending Tampa's pitcher to the abyss - Alex went to a 3-2 count and then flied out to center. In the second, with two outs and runners on first and third, he grounded to SS. In the fourth, he grounded to third. (The next two batters singled, and Tex was thrown out at home.) In the seventh, he singled with one out and was stranded. He made the game's final out, swinging at what should have been ball three.

Right now, the Yankee offense is Gardner and Ellsbury. God help us, if they cool off. The two have scored 52 of the team's 145 earned runs - one out of three. A-Rod has 20 RBIs. He's hitting .243 - up from .227 on May 5. His hamstring is bothering him. How much does he have in the tank?

Last year, the Yankees fell out of first place on May 22. In 2013, they lasted until May 26. If A-Rod goes south, how long will this team stay afloat?

The Fairy Tale Is Over

For two straight games now, we have lost early.

On Tuesday night, we had scored two runs and had the bases loaded with no one out.  We went down meekly, and never scored again.  This was the top of the first inning, by the way.  And because we had the  old slow guys on the bases, the third base coach kept holding the runners at third after base hits to right field.

Turns out, the throws to the plate were so far off the mark, that even Tex and Beltran could have scored easily, had they been waved home. We could have had 4 runs.   The Tampa pitcher was on the ropes.   Almost dealing 40 pitches in the top of the first.  He would have been gone.

But we only scored two runs.  By the end of the 6th, the Tampa pitcher had only thrown about 20 more pitches.  We lost the game in the first inning.  We only scored two.  We always lose when we only score two.

Tonight, when I got home and turned on the game, it was 3-2 Tampa.  It was still early in the game, but I knew it was over.  This team is back in the 2014 pattern of never coming back to win.  Never scoring more than 2 runs.  Whenever we see that number on the scoreboard for the Yankees, we should run and hide.  If we have zero, one, three or anything other than 2, we have a shot.

But that 2 run output, early in the game, is a sign of death.  Strikeouts and pop-outs, double play balls, time after time we have failure after failure to advance a runner.  To score anyone.  Suddenly, everyone is a .200 hitter. 

 The lead off guys get on, and they never move.  Or, they get thrown out, knowing that they only way they can get into scoring position is by stealing a base.  Even when that works, it doesn't matter.  They are left picking their toes.

This team sucks.  Two runs per game sucks.

And that is the reality.  The fairy tale story ended tonight.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Great player, Troy Tulowitzki. Always loved Jeter. You have to appreciate that.

Trade to the Yankees?

Well... Tulo's not long for SS. He'll have to play corner OF. He has six years left on his contract. That's $118 million. He's always hurt. And those big hitting stats came at Coors Field.

In other words... no, no, no, no, no.

Things the Pope absolutely must see if visiting upstate New York

1. The Chicken Barn at the New York State Fair! There's nothing like it, anywhere, certainly not at the Vatican. He can bless the roosters and sniff an overwhelming fragrance that will cling to his robes like a hungry Bishop. Just don't let him try to hand-heel a bantam beak, or he'll go down as Francis, the Four-Fingered.

2. Rest Stop at the Thomas E. Dewey New York State Thruway! Pick a stop, any stop. It doesn't matter. They're like bathroom tiles, all the same. He can bless a Roy Rogers Double Bar Burger or buy a 48-ounce bag of honey-mustard pretzels. Be out in less than 20 minutes.

3. The Carrier Dome! It's the site of incredible sports history, such as - um - Jim Boehein's missing 108 wins. He can eat a Dome Dog. Better: He can bless a Dome Dog. Better yet: Condemn one to hell.

4. Buffalo! Not the iconic, once-nearly extinct animal, but the "City of Wings and Weck." He can dine at the Anchor Bar and enjoy the hearty wisdom of the patrons. He can bless the Bills and maybe exorcise the spirit of Doug Marrone. He can hire Doug Marrone to build a Vatican football team, and expect to keep him for one year.

5. The Turning Stone Resort Casino Golf Resort Casino Resort! Right this minute, AS YOU ARE READING THIS, the tour bus for some eighties hair band, which you thought was dead, is driving there. Tonight, let's hope the defibrillators work. If the Pope is feelin' "hot blooded," he should "check it and see... He'll have a fever of a hundred and three."


6. The Incredible 24-Second Clock of Syracuse! (Warning: This will blow his mind and perhaps drive him from God... to technology.) Syracuse, as everyone knows, is the birthplace of the NBA's 24-second shot clock, the most important sports innovation since the TV remote. Watch the clock carefully, and you'll see that it counts down 24 seconds - AND THEN STARTS OVER AGAIN. Like clockwork. The Pope can parcel out to every pilgrim a full 24 seconds of blessings - NBA style - and keep things moving. Maybe he should install one at the Vatican.

7. Jim Boeheim!  Heal those 108 wins.

8. Destiny USA Super-Mall, Syracuse. Food court. Plus, it's the energy-efficient "green" mall (as proven by the tax breaks.) He can be saving the environment, while wasting away again in Margaritaville. (Sorry, Hooters is closed.) If his Pope-mobile is energy efficient, he'll get a good parking spot.

Wow. What am I missing? Come in, Utica - when is Moe playing next? Et tu, Binghamton? What's happening, Elmira? Do the billboards still celebrate Brian Williams?

The Tom Brady Hypocrisy Show is a hit in Boston

Isn't it fun, watching Boston fans twist themselves into pretzels, trying to defend Tom Brady with the, "It's not like he beat a woman; he was only trying to win a game!" argument?

Because they sure didn't buy that line with A-Rod, eh?

And they still go deaf, dumb and blind on the matter of Big Papi's steroidal past.

I guess fans are the same everywhere. But I like to think that, at least Yankee fans are aware of the fact that there is no morality to the team you root for. Many fans of the Mets, Redsocks, Cubs, etc.  piously suggest there is righteous component to why they support their team. What a crock.

It's time to launch the Rob Refsnyder countdown

Here's one way to spin last night's hideous, towering fiasco: The Yankees bundled 10 reasons to lose... into just one game. It was like buying in quantity.

Joe left Evaldi in too long. (Who wasn't stunned to see him start the eighth?) Our hitters scored quickly and then shut down. (The 2014 season in a nutshell.) Dellin threw wild pitches, which McCann didn't stop. We went knock-kneed with men on base. We ran ourselves out of an inning. We used the wrong fork on the salad. We didn't wear a condom. Even our mustaches looked penciled-in. You name it, we flubbed it.

And then there was Stephen Drew. (Those aren't 'Drew's you're hearing...) Actually, Drew had a regular outing: 0-4, two strikeouts and two runners left in scoring position. This drops his batting average to .184, which - amazingly - is only seven points below last year. At 32, he is seven years past his prime - 2008, when he hit 21 HR and batted .291 for Arizona. (George W. Bush was still president.) The Yankees gambled on him last spring, thinking 2014 was an aberration. Through seven weeks, it's the new Drew reality. And as Brian Roberts, the former "Mister Oriole," learned last summer - cruelly jettisoned within a few at-bats of a big bonus payout - there is no such thing as security for an overpaid experiment.

Yesterday, the Yankees announced that Drew is now taking grounders at 3B - the new backup for Chase Headley. That's a good idea, because a) Headley's back is flaring and b) A-Rod is proving too valuable a DH to risk playing third. Drew's final incarnation may be as a utility man. Frankly, he should start taking balls at 1B, too.

For better or worse, the Rob Refsnyder Era is nearing. It might be lumpy, but at least it will bring hope.

Refsnyder turned 24 at the end of March, when he looked horrible. In spring training, he booted balls and made it easy for the Yankees to ship him to Scranton. IF Jose Pirela was dazzling the brain trust - Reggie Jackson ridiculously called him the Yankees' best hitter - until the poor guy went bug-on-windshield against the CF wall. The Yankees had no choice but to go with Drew at 2B, which they probably intended to do all along.

Refsnyder went to Triple A and launched a clown show. In his first 10 games, he not only made 7 errors but failed to hit. On April 25, Ref was batting .193 (yup, Stephen Drew numbers, but at Triple A.) Ever since, he's been on fire. He's now up to .286, and he's gone 16 games without an error. No homers, three SB, and he is an on-base machine - something the Yankees, thanks to Ellsbury/Gardner, have learned to appreciate.  

A few more losses like last night, and something's gotta give. Drew and Pirela could serve as the team's all-purpose replacements - Drew for defense, Pirela for hitting. (Shades of Jayson Nix.) But Refsnyder is the future, and if Stephen Drew has any bonus clause in his Yankee contract, based on at-bats, he might be wise to waive it.

Peppy's autobiography rediscovered by world, Rolling Stone

Forty years down the road, the Joe Pepitone story is coming back. 

ESPN radio host in Seattle thinks The Master is celebrating death with his A-Bomb for A-Rod call

Well, now I've heard everything...

Shortly after Alex Rodriguez hit his (non-Yankee) milestone 660th home run, Seattle sports radio superstar Jim Moore took it upon himself to rip John Sterling.

"I think John Sterling might be the worst play-by-play guy I've ever heard," Moore said, last week. "And he thinks he's so good. And he's the New York Yankees play by play guy... And I think he's brutal."

Co-host Dave "The Groz" Grosby - a longtime Sterling fan - wondered what prompted Moore's sudden blurtation. It's the Master's home run call for A-Rod.

"An a-bomb kills you, okay? An atomic bomb kills people!... That's not cool."

Grosby asked if Moore has a problem when somebody says an outfielder "guns him down at second... That's not good?" he asked.

"John Sterling is an idiot," Moore replied, in one of those adorable I-don't-care-what-you-think-this-is-me-being-me snits that so characterize middle-aged radio personalities. "The guy should be at Single A, not calling for the New York Yankees... He's horrible, and I don't mind saying I'm horrible, all right?... But he's worse than me."

Well... where do you start?

Look, it's a free country, and Ronald Reagan signed a law that requires every AM radio station to hire at least a dozen fat, white male yahoos to always remind us of how unfair the world is for them. And let's not kid ourselves - Moore isn't the only hater out there on the subject of John Sterling. But there's one point I never quite get, and Moore goes to it a few times, when he mentions the fact that Sterling works for the Yankees.

It's that notion that every team in baseball deserves to have a homer announcer - except the Yankees. Nope. They should have an absolute machine calling play-by-play, without favoring either team. No... better yet... the Yankees should have someone who, like them, hates the Yankees. That's what they really want.

They hated Mel Allen. They hated Phil Rizzuto. They even hated Red Barber, until he left the Yankees, and then became everyone's NPR favorite. In many respects, John Sterling IS the Yankees. And some people will always hate him, simply for no other reason.

(You can hear for yourself the audio. You need to listen to a commercial, then fast-forward to 32:40 on the time bar, and you'll get to the Sterling segment.)  

By they way, if you are near Cooperstown this weekend, The Baseball Project is in town

Saturday night, at the Hall of Fame theater.

They put on a great performance in Cooperstown last year, when el Duque declared them the Bruce Springsteens of baseball music. And it's only $20, quite the bargain. So, you should go. Just sayin'.

"It's your worst nightmare. The Yankees are good. They're not going away, especially in what's shaping up to be a mediocre AL East. This isn't the year we get to bury the Yankees. This is a Stephen King novel come to life, and the Yankees are once again the bad guys ... only they're disguised as the good guys. That's right. I'm going to say it, and I rewrote this sentence 49 times because it's hard to admit: This team is likable, fun to watch and giving us a story much more interesting than an aging, broken-down team on its way to 85 or 90 losses."

The Voice of the Redsocks is not happy.

The Presidential Medal of Freedom for Yogi? Wait, you mean he doesn't have one of those already?

This is probably the only award that Yogi hasn't won.

Ask @BarackObama to give #Yankees American icon Yogi Berra the Presidential Medal of Freedom #YogiMedal:sign here http://t.co/MB8P0Z2z3p

— Yogi Berra Museum (@Yogi_Museum) May 11, 2015

Sign this, people. If the president won't give Yogi a medal, can we? The "It Is High" Medal of Freedom? Maybe it can look like the one Alphonse wears around his neck in the picture.

Happy Birthday, Yogi!

The greatest living Yankee icon is 90 today. 

Some past IT IS HIGH Yogi moments...

"My Fair Yogi:" Suggested titles for Broadway plays about the Yankees. (November 2012) 

Yogi vs. John in our poll for "Sexiest Yankee" (December 2011)

Surefire real estate ads for selling Yogi's house. (May 2014)

Ladies and gentlemen, Yogi Berra for White CLOVERLINE salve. (May 2012)

A brief history of bowling in Clifton NJ (Phil and Yogi's alley) (April 2015)

Dear NJ police: Your top 10 suspects who would steal Yogi's ring. (October 2014)

All-time Yankee nicknames that sound like someone vomiting. (December 2011)

Yogi's advice to NASCAR driver. (November 2009)