The First Of The Gang To Die

Already, a store in Yankee Stadium has already gone out of business already, reports New Stadium Insider Ross! Apparently, the Peter Max store (what?) couldn't unload enough of those Joel Osteen prints!

From his Cialis haze, John Henry is Twittering mirthy, madcap humor

Taking a break from pawing his 30-year-old wife -- whose secret to happiness is the phrase "Close your eyes and think of Ben Affleck," -- the 60-year-old Boston billionaire owner yesterday tweated some hilarious stuf -- (via Honest Abe) unto the Nation.

"News from Yankees’ Universe. Big upsurge in membership. Apparently coming mostly from Pluto. Not doing nearly as well on Mars."

...?

...?

Well... we can only say...

Well done, Scrappy!

That's one rollickin' funny joke you just told. Pluto! Mars! Universe! We get it. We get it. They don't write 'em like that anymore. Send it to Readers Digest. Is Charlie Callas still around?

Ponce, we sure see how you nab the hotties: With the gift the laughter... the elixir of youth... shot like a lazer, from your Viagra bottle into their teenybopper hearts.

Hey, pops, here's one; maybe you can work it into your act.

"I hear the Yankees held Old-Timers Day yesterday! None of the wives came. They... hahahaaha... they were... hahaa... attending middle school!"

John Lists the Greatest Stories of All-Time

It happened yesterday while he was interviewing Marty Appel, the biographer of Thurman Munson. Can Thurm measure up?

John is in a pennant race, and his WinWarbles show it

Let thuhhhhhh battle begin.

Yanks Undefeated since Pope broke his wrist

Just sayin'.

(You don't think the guy was praying against us all this time, do you?)

Two Warbles, back to back and belly to belly

Correction

Our 52-year old catcher, whose legs can no longer carry him from third to home, is catching Joba today, for some reason. So I apparently had no idea what I was talking about yesterday.

It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong. Yankee fans, I am that big man.

Crisis

Crisis.

What we can learn from a few players in today's Geezer Game

As the retreads return today, let's consider what they could have taught us... if we are listening.


Look at the roster:


Jesse Barfield: Ouch. Just the name hurts. I can remember Phil Rizzuto, on the day the trade was announced, questioning how we could have given up Al Leiter in a trade. Barfield ever should have been a Yankee. Not a bad guy. Just a bad trade. And we never won anything with him. Of course, he was the first in a sequence of bums, which peaked with Raul Mondessi. Did we learn? Ouch.


Homer Bush: Went in the Clemens trade, had a fine career. As a Yankee pinch runner, he struck terror into opposing pitchers. An incredible weapon on our great teams. The Redsocks later went out and got Dave Roberts just to beat us. We, however, have never since developed or traded for such a critter... until Brett Gardner, (who still rations time with Nick Swisher.) Have we learned? And whatever happened to Clemens? Why isn't he coming back?


Aaron Small: Scrap heap. Worthless. Then came that magical season, when he braced our staff. Every championship team has an Aaron Small. Do we have one? Maybe. Tomko? Aceves? Mitre? Can we find one? If we get an Aaron Small, we don't need a Doc Halladay.



Don Zimmer: He'll get a huge ovation. What he should get is a 60,000 voices shouting WTF? Can anybody explain why we constantly get into pissing matches with beloved former Yank lugnuts? Somewhere in the million dollar salaries, the old boys club and the personal assistants, you'd think we could smooth things over. Maybe it's the players -- I'm not sure it's the club's fault all the time -- but it's tiring to always have at least one Yankee in exile, because of some real or imagined transgression. Hello, Bernie? Joe?

Jesus or Doc: Which is better? Christmas Morning or Christmas Eve?

That's the issue, Yankiverse.

Yesterday at Trenton, Jesus Montero whacked his 6th home run in barely a moon. He hit a clutch grand slam that tied the game in the late innings. He is becoming baseball's the most famous prospect.

Of course, that doesn't mean he'll be any good. But it does mean we get to fantasize about him, which can get the dirty job done on cold, lonely nights, if you know what I mean.

In other words, with Jesus, it's Christmas Eve. We're always anticipating how great it's going to be tomorrow. We can't wait! And that's the best part about Christmas, right?

Or is it Christmas morn, when we unwrap the gifts, put batteries in the fighting robot and sic it on the cat. If that's the best part, we should trade Jesus for Roy Halladay ASAP.

Obviously, other prospects would go -- all imaginary gifts for some future Christmas -- but we'll have our fighting robot out of the package and into the kitchen.

Well, what do we like the most... the night before or the night after?

Anticipation Builds as Dave Eilland Returns for Old-Timers Day

The Yankiverse has lathered-up a mess of pure excitement today, following the team's announcement that former Pinstriped great Dave Eilland has been added to the Old-Timers Game roster.

Eilland will be making his first return to Yankee Stadium since July 18, 2009.

Should be a huge ovation! Hope they save it for the climax.

Joba Pays Off In So Many Ways

Our 52-year old catcher, whose legs can no longer carry him from third to home, is working a day game after a night game. This way, he won't have to catch Joba tomorrow. So it's a lot less grueling.

Then Again, Twitter Might Not Save Baseball.

Jason Grilli's Twitter feed.

At least we don't have to worry about the Blue Jays demanding Andrew Brackman in a trade for Halladay

Listen: It's too early to call him a complete bust. But unless Andrew Brackman -- the former future Big Unit -- figures out how to pitch, that's what we're facing with that 1st round pick they we so proud of two years ago.

A poem...

ANDREW BRACKMAN

He's tall.

That's all.

Yankeetorial: Julio or Cody? Forget Pinstripes. Which looks better in nylons?

To the Yankiverse:

It's that time when teams who have steadily gushed over players to pitch them into the sea and announce that they were always bums.

The Redsocks yesterday excreted Julio Lugo, who they once tabbed to replace Orlando Cabrera, after they pitched him overboard. It's starting to look like SS could become Boston's Tino Martinez position -- that is, where they ditch a fine player due to their gluttony, then go eight years trying to replace him.

Today, we have the deliciously kinky chance to have Lugo play for us, while the Redsocks pay his $8 million tab.

Not sure what to do? Consider our dilemma.

The sexy, raven-haired, 34-year-old wife of your office rival -- who has always flirted with you -- just filed for a divorce. She got the Mercedes. He calls her a skank, a whore, a runaround Sue. And yes, whenever she passed you in cocktail parties, wearing that micro, skin tight skirt, you took notice. And she noticed you noticing. O, YES! JULIO SURE DID! Now, she's loose and calling you. She wants to meet. There's an awkward silence on the phone.

Well...?

Remember: She bats .221 and has a tendency to kick balls.

Moreover, chase Julio, and you must drop your fiance -- the wholesome, rather plain-looking Cody Ransom. Cody's nowhere near as hot in a bikini, but she mows the lawn. She's known for her potato salad. A bit mousy in the face, wears too many pantsuits... but good lord, she can jump like a kangeroo!

What do you do?

Listen to Yank fans, and you'd think it was Cody -- not Arod -- who knocked up Sarah Palin's daughter that night at the stadium. (By the way, where did I hear that news report?)

We say Cody is not bad-looking, in a Princess Leia in her robe sort of way. She knows a lot of positions. Want to sleep with Julio? Buy a paper bag!

Sterling Average Drops Slightly to Open Second Half

First Half Average: 573

Second Half Average: 558

Overall: 573.5

Yankee Win-Loss Percentage: 584

Sterl Hurl over Tigers: Respectable 5.58 seconds

Where have you gone, Frankie Cervelli? A ballclub turns its lonely eyes to you...

Our catcher Jorge Posada and a guesstimate of about how much Jorge was out by in the 6th inning tonight:



If you look far enough, you can kinda make out home plate to the right of that mountain...

Let's Take A Look At John & Suzyn's Talking Points Of The Day, Sponsored By Lowe's.

John's talking points:

• AJ is going to have an amazing second half.
• "Sometimes we give you too any numbers."
• Why did John say that sometimes they give us too many numbers? He said that sometimes they give us too many numbers because before Granderson tore the cover off that ball with his 1st inning double, he was 1-11 against AJ. So, in light of Granderson's 1st inning double, what does the fact that Granderson was 1-11 against AJ prove? It proves nothing.
• EFFING BURNETT HAS GOT TO STOP BEING BEHIND IN THE COUNT.
• It's not like The Tigers can hit, after you get past the first couple.
• The Yankees are a much better team when Damon is hitting.
• A-Rod is having a pretty good year, and that is a deliberate understatement.

Suzyn's talking points:

• Polanco is practically as studly as any Yankee (which can't be an easy thing for Suzyn to admit).
• John is absoutely right about the behind-in-the-count thing.
• John is absolutely right about the Damon thing.
• The All-Star Game is a great chance to see old people such as Stan Musial on TV, which is great for the young people.
• John is absolutely right about the A-Rod thing.

LOWE'S. LET'S BUILD SOMETHING... TOGETHAAAH!®

And the Silver Sterling Moment First-Half Winner is...

AN A-ABOMB... FROM HIDEKI MATSUI.

If you haven't seen it yet....