World cries: FREE PUSSY RIOT and SWEEP THE REDSOCKS

That's not necessarily what I think. It's the world's opinion.


SWEEP.
SWEEP.
SWEEP.
SWEEP.

Andruw Jones Belts the Orange

Remember the Ebbetts Field outfield advertisement, "Hit Sign, Win Suit"? What does Andruw Jones get from Syracuse University for bouncing one off Doc Gross's ad in Yankee Stadium yesterday? An Otto costume?

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=23946221&topic_id=8877494&c_id=nyy&tcid=vpp_copy_23946221&v=3

Why We Fight

From 2009

And the other kids made fun of Nathan Garrett all day for having an inside-out t-shirt. Plus, the teacher gets to display his stupid Red Sox stuff all over the classroom. It's not fair. Full story here.

Tonight, let's win one for Nathan and for free speech.

God Gave Melky Banned Drugs, Not Power

I am writing from a cave, so I can't even post a Photo. But the world needs to know the following; Melky: " I think the one person that has the most influence on me is the lord. He is the one that embraced me in terms of playing better." Fact: On Wednesday, major league baseball suspended Melky for 50 games after he tested positive for testosterone, a banned substance. Conclusion: The Lord'sinfluence was for Melky to bulk up with banned drugs in order to play better. My questions; 1.what is the Lord's advice for us? 2. Is everything the Lord does that is good based upon banned substances? 3. If the Lord is all powerful, how is it that his dosages can be uncovered through major league baseball testing?

Yankeetorial: Where have you gone, Corey Wade, our nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

What's that you say, Mrs. Dickerson,
Chris has gone to "Scranton" for a day, hey hey hey.

This year, to be "sent to Scranton" means to be placed into a Higgs boson obliteration booth, (known as the Meacham Machine), disembodied and transported via wormhole to the most remote part of the galaxy: the NY State Thruway. Think: Batavia. Any of you ever been to Batavia? It's famous for a hottie housewife who was arrested in a public park for cheating on the hubby. No lie. That's where the Yankees stash spare parts.

So where are these lost legions? Particularly, considering Joba Chamberlain's continuing struggles, mouthy types across the Yankiverse today are wondering, "WTFever happened to Corey Wade?"

Remember him? Pitched great for a year, then tanked in July and was marched into the Meacham-Blaster. For the NY Thruway Trolley Frogs (which, btw, is what Scranton might name its team next year) he's pitched 22 innings and given up only 5 earned runs. Trouble is, three came in his last outing.

Or Nuni. Remember Eduardo Nunez? Utility IF of the future? They Scrantoned him to play SS every day. He quickly cracked a finger, missed a month. Now he's finger-healthy again. With 100 ABs in Triple A, he's hitting .202. Jayson Nix is sleeping well at night. (But Nix doesn't have half the upside of Nuni, am I right?) No idea whether he's learned to catch a ball.

They're all down there, a cavalcade from the past: Chris Dickerson (.314), Kevin Russo (.300), Ramiro Pena (.257), Frankie Cervelli (.250) and Gustavo Molina (.188). And pitchers Adam Warren (3.77), Kevin Whelan (3.55) and even Dellin Betances, who fell like a stone all the way to Trenton, where I don't believe they keep statistics, out of common courtesy.

They're like a ghost team, astral projections from another planet, banished long ago to the outlands, forever to walk this earth as symbols of what happens to those who toil and fall.

Let us pray for Joba. And for that matter, for all of them. September 1 is only days away. It's a fine line between heaven and hell.

Why We Fight

Red Sox complicity in U.S. torture flights

They feed their own fans prison food.

They're big racists

Their groundskeepers are thugs


Varitek clawed A-Rod's face, kept his own mask on

Schilling poured ketchup on his sock, called it blood

They decapitate their players when they're done with them

Big Papi has it in for Joba for no reason

Don't look now, but AJ Burnett could win the Cy Young Award in the National League this year

We gave him away for nothing... nada, zilcho, scrapola, kadingo, globoski...

We simply wanted him gone. We had traded Jesus for The Great Pineda, and so we had to get rid of somebody. We had no choice. We were caught in a bind.

You know they say: There's nothing worse than having too much pitching.

Meatloaf (Yankee fan, by the way) underestimated by 9 percentage points our baseline for contentment

He should have said...

I want you, I need you. 
But there ain’t no way  
I’m ever gonna love you 
Now don’t be sad. . .  
Cause THREE out of FOUR aint bad.
 
(Because it aint.)

Yankeetorial: This weekend, we can put down that old, sick mare that is the Boston Redsocks

They shoot horses, don't they? They walk Old Lizzy out to the back 40, stroke her nose gently, feed her a carrot, whisper nice things, thank her for pulling the plow, then go Steven Buscemi on her.

This weekend, we can put our dear old friends, the Boston Redsocks, out of their misery.

Mercy killing, that's what it is. Like one of those angel-of-death nurses with a needle full of Draino. Like old Doc Kervorkian on an emergency call. Once and for all, we can end this bad Ben Affleck movie known as the 2012 Redsock season. We can free Peter Gammon to savor another Labor Day, football games, the new TV lineups and the tumbling leaves. We can close the book on fried chicken, cancerous clubhouses, Carl Crawford and the little Teachers Pet who plays secondbase. A humane act. It's what old friends are supposed to do.

It's time for us to turn off their life-support and let them chase the white light of the afterseason.

Last time we played Boston, we gave them life. They took two of three, partied at home plate, hugged their newfound savior - Alfredo Aceves - and vowed to make their move. Then, poof, the league went Steven Buscemi on them. Their engine seized up - a trend that has haunted Boston for generations: Beat the mighty Yankees, then get spanked by KC.

This time, we must not err in placement of the needle. We must hit a vein. We must do the right thing. We host them for three games. Lose all three, and we tumble back into the divisional race - a horror show - even though it won't help them. They'll still trail five teams for a Wild Card.

If we win one - just one - they will limp out of NY, beating their chests... a comical portrait of the walking dead.

But if we take two, it's over. Done. It's will the last time we will ever have to face Josh Beckett in a meaningful Boston game. Quite possibly, we will never again experience Big Papi in a Redsock uniform. They will clean house. They will turn a chapter. This year, they punted on Youkilis. By this time next August, we may only recognize them by Teacher's Pet as second.

It's time to shoot Old Lizzy. Anything else is inhumane.

Where's OUR Perfect Game Against The Rays?

This year's Perfect Game Against The Rays has been awarded, and the Yankees are bridesmaids again.

Caught Melk? Baseball has a vetyvety big problem tonight

Melky Cabrera, busted for man-juice?

Say it aint sulky, Melky:

What will they tell the Melk Maids?

Should they put an asterisk on the All-Star Game?

Should the NL forfeit its home field advantage in the World Series?

Do the Yankees suddenly look smarter?

Are the San Francisco Giants done?

Why didn’t he get Ryan Braun’s lawyer?

Couldn't he have afforded one of those fake-pee devices?
Who’s next?

Yankeetorial: The best part of last night's game...

We didn't have to pay $51 million for the rights just to negotiate with Hiroki Kuroda. And his final bill won't cost us $110 million. Gotta give Brian Cashman credit there.

When you look at Texas, sometimes you see the Yankees under Steinbrenner in the early 1980s. They have the best lineup in baseball, and they chase every star who comes available - Yu Darvish, Roy Oswalt, Ryan Dempster, et al. The farm system is abundant, a steady flow of talent to be traded in July - but they're not necessarily improving.

The fact that we beat them twice this week means nothing. They have our number in October. Clearly, they are the team to beat. But something is wrong. They go out and get Ryan Dempster, and he turns into Denny Neagle. And of course, there is the disturbing trend of Yu Darvish.

Yu was the AL Pitcher of the Month in April. He was named to the All-Star team in July. But lately, he's gone Irabu.

On July 1, his ERA stood at 3.59. Today, it is 4.54. In his last three starts, he hasn't seen a seventh inning, and he's given up 16 earned runs. He might adjust and turn out fine. Or not. In his first incarnation with the Yankees, I remember Irabu being named AL Pitcher of the Month.

Meanwhile, Hiroki Kuroda keeps rolling. He damn near beat King Felix. With run support, he'd be among the league leaders in wins. Who knew? (Aside from Cash.)

The greatest Yankee fan that ever lived?

Let's face it: The greatest Yankee fan of all time was the anonymous hero who set the tacks on Ed Whitson's driveway.

Second place: The two who caused a "disturbance" at Channel 3 in Syracuse one Saturday afternoon during the 1980s, after the station switched from a Yankee game to a golf tournament. Police were called. Those were great Yankee fans.

After that, you've got your garden variety of celebrities. Meatloaf wants his ashes scattered at Yankee Stadium. There is Paul Simon, Bruce, Lady Gaga, and of course, Nelson "I am a Yankee" Mandela. And Alphonso goes up there, of course.

But today, let's remember Ali Ramirez, "the original Bleacher Creature." Monday was his birthday.

Back at the real Yankee Stadium - not the fake duplicate - Ramirez famously rang a cowbell to launch rallies. He died in May 1996, and six days later was honored by the Yankees. That day, Dwight Gooden pitched a no-hitter. That's juju, folks.

Monday, his grandson rang Ramirez’s old cowbell after the seventh-inning stretch. In the bottom of the inning, we scored two tack-ons to put Texas to sleep.

Listen: Some people claim the reason the Yankees have 27 World Championships is that they spend more money than everybody else. Those people are fools.

The reason the Yankees have 27 World Championships is they have the largest worldwide army of practicing nutjobs, people like the late Ali Ramirez, who relentlessly pour juju into the team.

Someday, science will prove this. We just haven't yet advanced far enough to understand.

In the meantime, hold your driveway tacks. Someday, we will need them.

FACT: John and Suzyn HATE the Wave

They hate it, hate it... HATE IT. They. Hate. The. Wave.

Seriously. They wish the Wave would die. They wish it was never born.  They wish you would stop. And they NEVER will join the Wave. Never ever. Not once. No sir. If you see them on the street or in a restaurant, DO NOT DO THE WAVE.

Playing First Base for the Mariners...Jesus Montero!

As the Yankees struggle with their starting rotation, it would be really nice to have Michael Pineda out there on the mound right now, wouldn’t it? And to add insult to that injury, the guy Brian Cashman traded for him may be starting to come into his own.



Montero as a Yankee:
Oh, what might have been!



Seattle Mariner Jesus Montero has been one of the league’s top hitters against left-handed pitching all season, but near last against righties. That may be changing, however. A week ago Montero had 46 hits against righties, and now he has 58, including two home runs off Jered Weaver last Sunday in Anaheim.

Montero’s future, however, may not be behind the plate. While he has been making some progress as a defensive catcher, the Mariners’ long-range plan is for 2012 top draft pick Mike Zunino (#3 overall) to take over that position. Zunino, winner of numerous collegiate player of the year awards at the University of Florida, was just promoted to AA Jackson (Southern League)after a few weeks at Class A Everett (WA, Northwest League), where he batted .373 in 29 games with nine doubles, 10 home runs, 35 RBI, a .474 on- base percentage and .736 slugging percentage for a 1.210 OPS. At Jackson, Zunino will step way up in competition and can start forging bonds with top Mariner pitching prospects Tijuan Walker and James Paxton. Zunino, son of a major league scout, is being touted as having the defensive, game-management and leadership skills of true catching greats such as Thurman Munson and Joe Girardi.

The Mariners see Montero primarily as a DH, where they have floundered since Edgar Martinez retired in 2005. But he will also get a look at first base, probably this season. Justin Smoak, centerpiece of the Mariners' swap of Cliff Lee to Texas in 2009 (spurning the Yankees' offer of Montero!), was heralded as the second coming of Mark Texeira when he arrived, but so far he has been a bust from both sides of the plate. In fact, the same night they traded Ichiro to the Yankees, the Mariners sent Smoak back to AAA Tacoma to get his head and his swing together. Unfortunately, they then had to recall him this week (batting .246 with no home runs) when replacement Mike Carp went on the DL (for the third time this season). So first base for the Mariners is looking pretty unsettled.

While Montero is certainly no gazelle (one sports talk host has dubbed Montero “El Gallepago” for his turtle-like speed on the basepaths), the Mariners might as well see if he can block anything at first base. If he doesn't embarrass himself, it will provide more flexibility for Montero as well as for the team.

Yankeetorial: Ichiro needs to take a page from his newest new teammate

Ichiro Suzuki has now played 19 games for Bronx Bruises. He appeareth unto us batting .261 - 70 points below his career average. We in the Yankiverse yearned to believe that Gotham would envigorate him - transform him into the player he was five years ago. Thus far, the bump is four points. As a Yankee, he's hitting .265.

That's OK. He's batting ninth. Three days ago, Ichiro drew his first base on balls as a Yankee. Frankly, that's more distressing, because I think we all hoped he would adopt a new grinder mentality - take more pitches and get on base. It seems at times that he seeks a walk, but on that 3-ball count, he slaps the inevitable grounder.

Last night, Ichiro did some little things that helped win the game. He laid down a perfect sacrifice bunt in the critical third inning, when Ryan Dempster fell apart. (And every Yankee fan in creation silently said, "Ahh, Texas, you traded prospects for an unhittable NL pitcher, thinking you just wrapped up the pennant; we know exactly how you feel.") He hit a triple in the right-center gap and seemed to fly around the bases. But he screwed up a fly ball to deep right, which I thought he would catch. (It wasn't an error, but it seemed catchable - especially for one of the great fielders of our era.)

In 19 games, Ichiro has scored only four runs for us. That's sort of scary, because even though he's batting ninth, we have all our firepower coming up if can get on base. That bump we longed for hasn't yet appeareth unto us.

Last night, another old guy who seemed to be on the way out came through for us. Derek Lowe pitched his best game in at least a month. Lowe went through an identity crisis after being released by Cleveland. He went to Florida and reassessed his entire game. He tinkered. He adapted to the new reality. Last night, it sure worked.

We all assumed that Ichiro was depressed and playing below form in Seattle. Well, now we know: He wasn't holding back. He was playing as hard as he could, even if for a team that was out of it. Now, he's doing the same for us. But it doesn't look like we'll ever see that .340 Ichiro Suzuki. That guy is gone... unless a certain old outfielder takes a page from Derek Lowe, his newest new teammate, and decides it's time to adapt.

Arod lives in a hospital

Everyone has an opinion on Arod. Everyone.

I, myself, have 32. Today, I'm announcing a new one:

Inside Alex Rodriguez lurks an architecturally repressed Nazi protologist.

How else do you explain this "house?" (I use the term with great uncertainty, but this certainly doesn't warrant the word "home.") It looks more like an alcohol rehab center. It's not a dwelling. It's an institute. A prison. An armed fortress. It looks designed by a fourth-grade class working with Leggos. Who would want to live inside such a place? Magneto?

Is this how the super-rich spend their money these days? Along with gates on their neighborhood, they hide inside concrete blast shelters? This thing must have 10 panic rooms. No wonder America's billionaires - our Justice League - have become so screwy; they live inside mental hospitals.

Apparently, ARod plans to sell this monstrocity for $38 million. Good luck on that.

Hell, I'd consider it. But only as a tear-down. 

Top 10 changes if NBC's Olympic producers took over YES Network Yankees broadcasts ...

10. Only Yankee at-bats shown during games. Other teams rarely acknowledged.

9. Instead of shaving-cream pies after walk-off wins, team will be encouraged to have Serena Williams lead them in the "Crip Walk"

8. New in-game contest ... Guess how many centimeters thick Bob Costas' makeup is!

7. Mary Carillo to deliver dramatic pregame reports, condescendingly revealing stuff that most people already know (Mickey Mantle had a unique ability that only those baseball fans with the keenest eye for the smallest of details would pick up on ... he was that rarest of baseball players, the little-known "switch hitter." What is a "switch hitter," you may ask? Few truly understand the term, but to put it in terms the lay person can understand ...)

6. Whenever a Yankee gets a base hit, Rowdy Gaines to scream like a 12-year-old girl at a Justin Bieber concert.

5.  Ryan Seacrest to do post-game interviews, desperately trying to make it appear as if he knows something about sports.


4. Tom Brokow to lecture us about World War II before games


3. No more "Yankees Encore" ... every game on tape delay.

2. At least twice a game, Michael Kay will remind everyone that Lolo Jones is a virgin.


1. First 7 innings of games to be shown, but final two innings would be delayed until after an episode of "Animal Practice."

Ichiro is the IIH/Lunchables Yankee July Employee of the Month

Once again, voters are tempting the dreaded IIHIIFIIc Curse.

I assume you know what you are doing.

Let us now praise Eric Chavez

Some of you top baseball insiders have probably heard about the incredible mental and physical regime that Yankee 3B Eric Chavez undergoes during games in order to keep his frail, injury-prone body from deteriorating. It rivals the intellectual gymnastics that Alphonso maintains on a daily basis in order to keep up his finely honed bloggery.

Did you know that on the day of a Yankee game...

Prior to the event, Chavez denies himself food, water, intercourse and sleep for 12 hours, while wearing a suit made entirely of aluminum foil. He assumes a zen-like position and continually moves his frame in a steady angular fashion, never changing the routine. He does this outside of the stadium in front of a sign that says, Rudy the Mechanical Man. He generally supplements his income to the tune of $35 per day.

During games, Chavez must constantly keep his body at a temperature of 85 degrees (F). Between innings, he packs himself in salted ice, breathing oxygen through a hose, with an I.V. that runs protein and nutrients into his delicate veinery. In the fifth inning - unless, of course, he's scheduled to bat - Chavez undergoes a total blood transfusion. This is why batters are known to take many pitches during this inning. They fear Chavez having to come out of the dugout with 85 percent of his plasma.

After each game, Chavez is mummified, placed in a standing box and rendered unconscious with a secret Egyptian potion. This keeps his body from turning into dust.

It's working. Without Chavez, we would have turned into dust.