Monday, August 13, 2012
Posted by el duque at 5:53 AM
Did you know that on the day of a Yankee game...
Prior to the event, Chavez denies himself food, water, intercourse and sleep for 12 hours, while wearing a suit made entirely of aluminum foil. He assumes a zen-like position and continually moves his frame in a steady angular fashion, never changing the routine. He does this outside of the stadium in front of a sign that says, Rudy the Mechanical Man. He generally supplements his income to the tune of $35 per day.
During games, Chavez must constantly keep his body at a temperature of 85 degrees (F). Between innings, he packs himself in salted ice, breathing oxygen through a hose, with an I.V. that runs protein and nutrients into his delicate veinery. In the fifth inning - unless, of course, he's scheduled to bat - Chavez undergoes a total blood transfusion. This is why batters are known to take many pitches during this inning. They fear Chavez having to come out of the dugout with 85 percent of his plasma.
After each game, Chavez is mummified, placed in a standing box and rendered unconscious with a secret Egyptian potion. This keeps his body from turning into dust.
It's working. Without Chavez, we would have turned into dust.