Thursday, August 2, 2012

Yankeetorial: Why is it that the only teams that dealt with us at the trading deadlines are the ones that robbed us last winter?

It's gotta be coincidence. Surely, the Seattle Mariners and Pittsburgh Pirates last week weren't shamed into making deals with the Yankees, considering what happened last winter.

Obviously, other teams will deal with the Yankees. The good people of Toronto and Cleveland always seek to help New York in a pennant race.

Well, at least Brian Cashman knew Seattle would answer the phone. Last winter, he gave them Jesus Montero and Hector Noesi for Michael Pineda, the Venus de Milo of pitchers. When the Mayans wrote their calendar, they were predicting Pineda. He is to Yankee fans as Chick-Fill-A is to Elton John. And when the Mariner secretary says, "Brian Cashman on line one," he won't be sitting on hold for long.

So were the Mariners shamed into intercourse? Is that why they cut loose Ichiro? (Or is he really that bad?)

And what of the Pirates giving us Umphreys McGee? A guilty conscience, perhaps?

Last winter, we gifted AJ Burnett to them. Wrapped him in a bow, left him on the doorstep and rang the bell. Oh, they gave us two low-level munchkins, so low-level you'd need the Hadron Collider to detect them. It was like one of those $1 deals that depressed cities do on vacant housing. Two nights ago - while Ivan Nova was exploding into a million pieces of cotton - AJ threw a one-hitter. We're still paying part of his salary. So when Brian calls, what happens?

Here's a thought:

Brian Cashman: "Hey, Neal, olbuddyolpal! It's Bri. Say, remember that Valentines gift I gave you last winter, and how you said you could never thank me enough for giving you AJ Burnett for a box of Kleenex? Well, I was thinking, maybe there is a way to thank me. Do you guys still have Roberto Clemente? No? How about Xavier Nady? No? Well... how about Umphreys McGee?"

Would Cash say that? Hell, I would. You would, too. It's human nature. And Neal Huntington, the Pittsbugh GM, if he's got any conscience, has to think, "Dammit, Bri needs me! He came through last winter. I can't let him die. We'll give him that Umphreys McGee guy - I can't spell his name anyways. Why not?"

Two deadline trades. Sympathy intercourse? Guilt? Who knows? But it's not a coincidence. There is no such thing as coincidences.


John M said...

Have to agree on the intercourse thing, but why is it that Cash is the one who's walking kind of funny? Just sayin'.

pepitone said...

According to some well respected Pittsburgh sources of mine, Umphreys McGee specializes in the two out opposite field single with nobody on. His other two main talents are the called strike three and the GIDP.

Alphonso said...

Was he the fat guy I saw on TV yesterday? An unidentifiable person in bulging pinstripes?

I thought I had tuned in sumo wresting from the olympics.

Guess not.