Sunday, August 12, 2012

Yankeetorial: Signing another 2004 Redsock is a bold juju move

Yesterday, the Yankees signed Derek Lowe, D-Lowe, a flesh-and-blood reminder of the fourth worst pussy ass choke in known human history, (after Goliath v. David, Aztec Nation v. Cortez, Spanish Armada v. Whomever, and tied with Hootie and Blowfish's second album; this is outlined extensively in my book, BTW.) It happened on our watch. It can never be erased from memory.

We signed Lowe because CC Sabathia tweaked his hammy elbow, and we have nobody in the farm aside from Adam Warren - who nearly threw a no-hitter for Scranton last week, but who failed in an audition two months ago and who will never receive another shot as long as the rivers flow and the subways smell like urine. 

We won the 2009 World Series because Johnny Damon - one of our former Redsock torturers - stole two bases on one pitch. This was an especially delicious moment because Boston chased Damon out of town, figuring to save money with Jacoby Ellsbury, whom they will chase out of town next winter, figuiring to save money with Dopey Dildox, or whomever is next on their Future Hall of Famers list.

But the Yankees didn't receive such luck with Mike Meyers, Alan Embree, Doug Mientkiewicz and Mark Bellhorn. (To my knowledge, the Redsocks never signed one of the Yankees from that loser team.)

So, jujuwise, what do we make of this move?

For starters, this looks like D-Lowe's last stop. As the song implies, if he can't make it here, he can't make it anywhere. Lowe has been getting hammered, and for some reason, the Yankee brass has always clung to the belief that when an enemy dons pinstripes, he loses five years off his birth certificate. Somebody could do a statistical analysis on this, but why bother? By the time they've crunched the numbers, Lowe will probably be gone.

I think this signing goes much deeper into the rivalry. We play the Redsock next week. Having D-Lowe pitch against them represents one more torture button to press in this magical Boston season. (Yesterday, the guy they traded Youkilis for, and whom they subsequently waived, beat them with a career day; if that's not juju, I don't know what is.) Everything they do is backfiring. Right now, if they traded for Wilt Chamberlain, he would turn out to be two dwarfs standing piggyback.

So, I believe we are rolling the dice on the fact that Lowe will pitch against Boston, whose fans recognize a lost year when they see one. Last time we played Boston, they took 2 out of 3 and briefly resurrected the notion that they'd turned around the season. That didn't last.

So now, we have the chance to completely slam the door on their toe. Or to let them back in. And Derek Lowe is a Yankee for one reason and one reason along:

He tortured us once.

Now it's time to settle an old score. Just one game, that's all we need. One game against You-Know-Who.


Alphonso said...

Our subways will always smell of urine, as will Boston fans.

In a bit of good news, Boston's rookie third baseman..... future hall-of- famer, the new Ellsbury, the new Dustin , the new Youk and Yaz, pulled an A-Rod last night and could be done for season.

Hooray for 95 mph fastballs

John M said...

Hitting anyone in a Sox uniform other than Youk--whether done by a Yankee or not--is simply not as satisfying. It's like ordering lobster and getting crayfish. Beating Ali after he turned 60 and was suffering from Parkinson's. Signing Derek Lowe.

However, I'll take it. The little punk. And it's time to take out that weirdass midget they have at second, too. Creepy little bastard.

Thank you to Alphonso for identifying the mysterious smell Sox fans have. I thought it was simply flop sweat, but urine...that's it, no doubt about it.

Joe De Pastry said...

I don't expect to see Sabathia pitch another good game this season, and he can't beat any other playoff team's ace in the playoffs. So Lowe is going to have to be our miracle good luck charm in October.