has announced it will no longer allow "Sweet Caroline" to be played at Nittany Lions games.
Penn State officials claim it's merely a musical decision: It has nothing do with trying to shed the image of an institution that valued a 62-0 win over East Buckshot State over the well-being of 14 children who were being molested by the prized game hen assistant coach. Nope. They just want a little more Tupac in the game rotation.
But the move is widely believed to be a reaction to those dastardly criminal lines from Neil Diamond, who wrote the song thinking impure thoughts about Caroline Kennedy, (who would be the U.S. Senator from NY if she would only have eaten a greasy sausage sandwich at the NYS State Fair)...
Send your children out of the Internet before reading further:
The lyrics go this way (emphasis mine):
Hands, touching hands,
Dear God, I'll need a flea bath after this post.
But then again, what about Fenway Park, where the seventh inning stretch of every game features the entire crowd singing along to Diamond's evil anthem. Does the late stage of every game now turn into a pedophilia festival?
Would you take your daughter to Fenway, knowing the hairy-nosed man in the XXXL Pedroia jersey (that's a joke, get it?) is gripping the seat like a lifeline, trying to hold back his Sanduskian impulses? Or the seeming nice couple (pictured) is in fact a dominatrix duo looking to recruit new pedo slaves?
Seems as though Boston wants to start over again. Well, it's not enough to trade Josh Beckett.
STOP THE PEDOPHILE MUSIC, BEN CHERRINGTON.
STOP IT NOW, OR IT'LL BE YOUR CHERRINGTON THAT GETS POPPED.