Everyone knows the equation YV=JSWW/6.00 -- the mathematical value of a Yankee Victory equals the length of the John Sterling WinWarble over 6 seconds. Dammit, it's the first thing you learn in Yankee grade school, assuming you weren't raised by some bearded fratboy in one of those crazy Redsock madrassas that populate the toothless, rat-holed hillsides of Northern Appalachia.
A great Yankee victory - think World Series or walk-off pie-hurler - will conjure a 7.00-second WinWarble.. On Aug. 7, 2009, after a 15-inning victory over the Redsocks, John nailed an 8.02 - the all-time longest WinWarble ever measured. It was the Higgs boson, the god warble, except we didn't need a 36-mile-long Lincoln Tunnel to justify our discovery.
Still, the 6.00-second WinWarble remains the benchmark for Yankee success. Dammit, I shouldn't have to be explaining this. But there are always stragglers, people who don't take their medication, (and that's what holds back our juju allotment now and then; we know who you are, btw.)
Simply stated: Any WinWarble under 6.00 seconds is a valueless Yankee victory. (And below 5.00 is a loss, regardless of what the scoreboard says.)
Which brings us to our concern over yesterday's warble. Folks, I'm not gonna sugarcoat this. Send your children out of the computer room.
By all accounts, this was a gigundo Yankee victory. It should have registered a 6.50, at least. We won with a comeback, a critical game, and the Tigers left the tying and winning runs on base. That's how you reach 7.00 on the Sterling WinWarble scale.
But listen... a meager 5.99 seconds.
Five point nine nine. OMG.
Lately, we have been licking our wounded crotch. The loss of Andy and Arod, plus the revelation that Brett Gardner has gone to Vegas and will not return, have put the Yankiverse into a Danny Tartabulesque funk. Now... this.
Is the Master calling hurt?
Is John battling inner demons?
Is the legendary radio voice of the New York Yankees running out of gas?
Listen: We have nobody down at Scranton who can replace him. Suzyn cannot warble. Don't expect help from ESPN: It is a Redsock-leaning snakepit. ESPN covet the Yankee radio broadcast network, driven by Jeep, the way a mutated Hobbit covets a golden ring.
The Yankee braintrust should consider bringing in a professional voice - a Screaming Jay Hawkins, a Celin Dion or a Meatloaf (Yankee fan, by the way) to call the final Warble.
Or maybe it's too late. We have one chance and one chance only - THE MASTER HIMSELF - to bring home the Warble. If you're going to walk the walk, you must warble the warble.
WARBLE FREE, MR. STERLING. IT'S NOW OR NEVER.
THUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH YANKEES NEED YOU.