Dear Madam or Sir,
Supposedly, Brett Gardner is pondering a September comeback as pinch runner.
No. No-no-no-no. En. Oh. NO.
We'll kill the guy. He returns too soon, tries a headfirst slide, pops a gonad and it’s, "Hello Dr. Snipsnip." Forget Gards. Let him heal. Better idea:
Sign Usain Bolt. No kidding. The world's fastest man.
Wait, Bri, put down that rolling pin. OWW! That hurt. OK, I know what you’re thinking: The Oakland A’s tried it with Herb Washington in 1974. The guy couldn’t get a jump, and Mike Marshall picked him off. True. But Herb the Verb stole 31 bases, and that was nearly 40 years ago, back when Olympic sprinters took a whopping 10.4 seconds to plod through a 100-meter dash. That's YESMO compared to Usain, who covers it in 9.6 seconds. Bolt would leave Washington so far behind, he could break the tape and re-tie it by the time Herbie's bus arrives. Usain Bolt won’t need to take a lead. Just give the first base coach a starter's pistol. Usain can get into his crouch and, when the pitcher throws, BAM. He’s at second. BAM, he’s at third. He might steal home, beating Kevin Millwood’s 81-mph fastball to the plate. I'd like to see Josh Beckett looking over at a guy with a starter's pistol in his hand. Cowboy up.
And think of the marketing. This would be like getting Ichiro and then discovering he's a woman. (We are already selling Ichiro Leggos.) Bolt would instantly become the biggest curiosity in world sports. Every time he enters a game, ESPN will cut to it live. Business would halt across America. Bolt is a global phenomenon. How many Usain Bolt Leggo Yankees would we sell?
Think of his affect on pitchers. Do you believe Justin Verlander wants to deal with the fastest man alive on first base? In a one-run game, a pitcher will go nuts when a Yankee draws a walk. They’ll know Bolt is ready, and what a crowd roar when he flashes out of the dugout. The catcher will be terrified. He'll call four pitchouts. They'll only throw fastballs. You better believe they'll groove a few for our hitters. Bolt will energize the Yankees and – Cash, put down the gun and listen to me – we need to energize this team.
OK, I know what you’re thinking: Bolt is a track god. He has no interest in baseball.
Make an offer. A million bucks for six weeks. Dammit, that’s Pedro Feliciano pay. That's what Jeet spends on clam dip. It’s gotta be a decent payday for Bolt. Plus, you'll make every penny back. You’ll put more fannies in the seats than the ghost of Bill Veeck could have done, even if drawing inspiration from watching "Game of Thrones." And you'll win a World Series.
Usain Bolt, the next great Yankee! The fastest Yankee of all-time. Going into Cooperstown with a Yankee cap.
Sign the dash, Cash! Make it fly, Bri. DO IT, AND WE WILL WIN THIS RACE.