An Open Letter to Manny Ramirez

Note to readers in the Dominican Republic: This message MUST get through to Mr. Ramirez. If you value your friend, make sure that he reads this. Make print outs. Put them on roadside billboards and telephone polls. Drop pamphlets onto his doorstep. Rent a sound truck and drive through his neighborhood, reading it aloud. His future is in jeopardy, if he does not heed the following.

Dear Madam or Sir,

You are about to become a punch line, ridiculed in ways you never imagined: The baseball owners won't give you that fat contract.

They're going to hang back, let you wriggle on the burner, teach you a lesson for arrogance.

The Dodgers won't pay what you're worth. They’re cheap bastards. The Angels? Same thing. The Redsocks want you tortured at Gitmo. The Mets owner lost his money to Bernie Madoff. The Nationals, the Orioles, the Rangers... yeah, right. In another era, it would be called collusion. In this one, it's called good business.

Apparently, the Yankees plan to sit this one out. We're not interested because we invested all our Christmas money on free agents, and we have more corner outfielders than corners.

No, sir, we're not interested.

But… that could change...

Here is what you must do.

Tell the world you want to play for the New York Yankees.

Tell the world you will sign a one-year deal, for less than other teams offer.

Tell the world you want to punish the Redsocks for misdeeds that only Yankee fans and you can appreciate.

Tell the world that it was always fated for you to return home.

Tell the world that you will play LF or RF, or DH, wherever Joe puts you, for the World Championship team in the new Yankee Stadium.

Tell the world that you want to wear a Yankee cap into the Hall of Fame at Cooperstown.

Tell the world that you cannot wait to play the Redsocks at Fenway, so you can show those miserable slobs what you think of them.

Tell the world these things, Mr. Ramirez, and they will happen.

Tell the world your days as a punch line are over. Tell the world, sir, and the last laugh will be yours.

Tell the world you want to be a Yankee.