Dija see it? After Yankee victory last night: Dick Cheney and Carrot Top appeared together on Leno

True Story, sweartagod: After the Toronto game -- FIRST PLACE, YEAH, BABY! --- I was way too Nova-ed up to sleep, so I channel hopped in search of a beach party movie. I came across Carrot Top, the world's scariest looking human being. (I'm serious. He looks like Ernest Borgnine in that 1970s horror movie, "The Devil's Rain," where the villagers faces melt. His skull has the fluidity of a Salvidor Dali clock.) He was doing sight gags. One was a framed Etch-a-Sketch, which he shook and then said, "It's Obama's birth certificate." They were slapping their knees.


Jay Leno called over Carrot Top, and sat down next to – holy crap, I had to wipe my eyes -- Dick Cheney? I'd heard the war criminal was book-touring on behalf of waterboarders everywhere. Cheney looked great, tanned and dressed like Tony Bennett. He wore a wide smile, like he'd just won another election. He was having a wonderful time, knowing America – or at least Jay; I don’t think he’ll be appearing on Letterman – still adores him. Living treasure.

Jay asked Carrot Top if he'd ever met a president, and the flesh monster replied, yes, he'd met Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter, "Democrats," and then he looked directly at Cheney and quipped, "Sorry." Big laugh.

Cheney punched the air like Pat Sajac. Carrot Top reached out a brawny arm – God, he could have snapped Cheney's neck like a chicken wing -- for a glass on the table. "I need some water," he said, and the crowd roared.


"THAT'S NOT WHAT HE WAS DRINKING BACK STAGE," Cheney said, not skipping a beat.

Big laugh. Applause. What a time! What a moment! I nearly had to take a pill. Dick Cheney and Carrot Top! First place! Jeet is single, and Jesus is a Yankee! Hurricanes. Earthquakes. Tropical Storms. Why did God wait so long?