In first start, John and Suzyn go nine, never feeling safe and secure

You'd think they weren't married 20 years, the way John and Suzyn meowed and meandered through yesterday's opening non-game against the dreaded non-Phils. Neither reached 90 words per minute on radar. The Waldwoman seemed more game-ready than The Master, who - as SuperFrankenstein has noted - does not sound safe and secure without an occasional read-through from Time-Warner or Little Debbie.

In the first inning, John barely noticed Hunter Pence's home run. Later, he called Arod's A-bomb, but didn't add, "Alexander the Great conquers again," his secondary Arod HR ejaculation. Exhibition games don't warrant secondary HR ejacs. In fact, The Master may be moving toward the use of secondary ejacs only in key moments, perhaps as a measure of austerity.

Only a few Yankees have the secondary ejac - Arod; Swisher ("Jolly Old Saint Nick" and "Swishalicious"), Granderson ("The Grandy Man Can," and "You're something sort of Grandish,") and Teixiera ("A Text Message" and "You're on the Mark, Teixiera.")

Robbie Cano deserves a secondary ejac. Jeet certainly needs one.

But nothing was coming yesterday. John offered no game ending WinWarble. A lot of media guide. A lot of batting averages last year in Trenton. At one point, John reminded us that you cannot predict baseball - but he was not referring to the game, but the entire season.

A new philosophical tone? Some say The Master dodged a bullet last fall, when his contract came due. From now on, will he be taking the long view? And will he ever feel safe and secure again?