Thursday, April 3, 2014

Today's message from the Lizard People Overlords: Hooray, it's 1998 all over again!

Psst, Truman's awake: Cue the sun. Grab your Furby, shrink wrap the Beanie Babies and let's form a committee to battle Y2K. It's 1998 again, and Lindsay Lohan, star of The Parent Trap, is Disney's latest boobless pre-adolescent It Girl. The Big Lebowski is upon us, and it's the New York Yankees.

Forget what you think you saw last night. It was a mirage, a piff of a piddle, a joke played by the Lizard People Overlords who run Texas. (You got a better explanation?) You may think you saw the same Yankee sluggers of the last three seasons, systematically choking in the clutch. You may think you saw a team go 0 for 10 with men in scoring position. Heyyy, fogetaboutit. What you saw was not an impending Yankee Armageddon but Bruce Willis' Armageddon, not Saving Private Ryan but "Saving Captain Jeter," and don't take it from me, 'cause I got it straight from the Lizard Peo - I mean, the Gammonites. Tell us, Dr. Brothers:

Mark Feinsand, Daily News: Is it time to panic? Hardly. We all know the 1998 Yankees opened 0-3 and went on to win 114 games. The 2009 club dropped its first two games to an Orioles team that finished last with 93 losses the year before, then went on to win 103 games.

Joel Sherman, Post: In 1998, the Yankees lost their first three games and there actually were questions when George Steinbrenner would fire Joe Torre. And, of course, that group only won 114 regular-season games and a championship.

Michael Axisa, River Ave: If you’re looking for a good omen, the Yankees have been held to two runs or less in their first two games of the season for the first time since … 1998. That turned out okay.

Of course, they're right. Of course, as Carlos Beltran says, everything will be "just fine." (As in Bernie Fine?) Soon, this Yankee team of destiny will meet a pitcher with an arm like Mr. Bean, it will score 15 runs, and nobody will have to flinch when his batting average appears on the Jumbotron. Our numbers will return. You can't predict baseball, but you can start planning for the Canyon of Heroes. Won't be long before the Millennial ball drops. I hear Marilyn Manson might play.


KD said...

yup. this team is exactly like the 1998 team. who can miss the similarities?

whatever these guys are smoking, I want some.

I'm Bill White said...

Too soon to turn this into an Astros blog?

Ken of Brooklyn said...

Welcome to the 'new normal', well, unfortunately it's not so new,,,,

Tex Message said...

Are we at JJI territory yet?

Blind Robin said...

I would settle for the same production from the infield as the 1998 team.

I'm Bill White said...

I am not a published author, but I would be reluctant to use JuJu on this year's team.

KD said...

I called for an intervention and it backfired on me. I burned down the house just like a kid fascinated with matches but not understanding their power. The season is lost unless duque can somehow counteract my false JuJu. Please, duque, don't make me beg. Fix this damn thing. I can send you a live chicken, if that helps.

Ken of Brooklyn said...

KD, Hahaha, that flashed through my mind last night as Whoz Sorry Now blew yet another RISP opportunity,,,,
Oh queasy feeling that 2014 will present us with weekly 'should we should JuJU we not' nightmare scenarios.

Maestro Juju El Duque, please advise?!