One of our citizens has been attacked for exercising his fundamental human right of self-expression. Today, we stand united in support of Americans' right to dress the way they want, to look the way they want and to wear the kind of sticky substances they want.
TODAY... WEAR PINE TAR TO WORK!
Last night, American received a grim foreshadowing of the future world in the draconian grip of our Redsock/Selig overlords. Just days after Boston managers and players assured the public they had "no problem" with Michael Pineda using pine tar to help grip the ball, they abruptly reversed course and unleashed a battalion of thug umpires and vicious ESPN commentators, hoping to crush Pineda's use of the natural substance on national TV.
It's the second time the Yankees have suffered through the use of pine tar. The last time it happened, authorities switched gears and ruled against the Yankees. George Brett hit an illegal home run, but after the umpires originally nullified it - correctly - the power mad, anti-Yankee dictators of MLB changed the ruling. Yes, comrades, I'm not making this up. They backtracked. They finagled the rules. They changed the ruling. They allowed the home run. Oh yes, it's in the history books! They know what they did. THE WHOLE WORLD WAS WATCHING. THE WHOLE WORLD WAS WATCHING.
Well, today... Enough is enough.
Dammit... We cannot allow MLB to constantly screw us over with pine tar.
We cannot allow the Redsock Nation get away with it's lawyering crackdown.
We cannot allow MLB's Selig-haired stooges to tell Americans what they can and cannot wear.
Join Michelle Obama and other celebrities in telling Mr. Bud Stalin that it's not 1948 in communist Russia, and his ruthless crackdown isn't going to work.
WEAR PINE TAR TODAY ON EXPOSED SKIN. DO NOT TRY TO HIDE IT. IF YOU DO NOT HAVE PINE TAR, USE SHOE-SHINING WAX, MAGIC MARKER OR ANIMAL FECES. LET'S TELL CHAIRMAN MAO TSE SELIG THAT HIS "RULES" HAVE NO PLACE IN MODERN AMERICA. LET'S STAND UNITED WITH OTHER GREAT YANKEE FANS.