In 1776, a plucky group of young revolutionaries - convinced they were getting a raw deal from "The Man" - tore down the walls of oppression and founded a nation dedicated to "fight a never-ending battle for truth, justice and the American way!"
Today, comrades, we are again facing "The Man" - or in this case, The Men: A bunch of bumbling, incompetent owners of sports teams, which have made New York City the laughingstock of the male-testicled world.
It's time to mobilize against those who shame New York City with their sports teams.
I am hereby calling for a violent overthrow of the American sports industry, including unprecedented savagery against the bunglers who run the show.
The Dolans, owners of the horrible, awful, very bad, no good Knicks, should be chased from Madison Square Garden into the Hudson River, with pitchforks and burning torches.
The Hesses, owners of the hapless Jets, should be put on a leaky row boat and set out to sea.
The Wilpons, owners of the ridiculously terrible Mets, should be bombarded with green gamma rays in the far-flung hope that - because it worked in The Hulk - their intelligence will be magnified a thousand times... making them average.
And finally, the Steinbrenners, owners of the lone pro franchise that used to engender pride among New Yorkers, should be given bus tickets to Cleveland, where they belong. Give them FREE tickets, and they'll take them.
Once the owners are gone: All sports teams should be condemned by Gov. Andrew Cuomo and put under the domain of the only true and effective branch of New York State government: The Thomas E. Dewey Thruway Authority. With top Dewey minds running the teams, fans and players alike will have access to EZ Pass seats and ticketing, and MLB free agents can be wined and dined in the finest Sbaro's restaurants located between Buffalo and Schenectady.
I recognize that some of you may balk at the idea of the Dewey people running our teams. You're thinking, "What do Thruway Authority managers know about sports? They can't even run the Thruway."
The answer is simple:
THEY CAN'T DO WORSE THAN THESE BUMS.
That's right, folks. If we turn over the New York Knicks to the 59-year-old lady who sits in the Weedsport Exit booth on Sundays from 4 p.m. to 3 a.m., she can't do worse than the Dolans. It's that simple. We can't lose. We've already lost. It's time to save NYC sports.
And for those of you who think I'm just still whining about Yoan Moncada signing with Boston, the fact that we were outbid by our rival, due to a cheapskate billionaire HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS POST.
Revolution, baby. Revolution, now.