Well, I guess that closes the book on David Ortiz: He says he's never taken performance enhancing drugs, and he certainly has no reason to lie about it

Nope. Big Papi is clean. I'm glad we've finally cleared it up.

He says he's never taken PEDs, so help him, and if he's lying, may God strike him down right NOW!

Look. No lightning bolts. He's still here. What more proof does anyone need?

In the meantime, Papi's head has been purchased by Ringling Brothers to replace the elephant acts.