A brief history of Yankee pugs

Lately, I've heard whispers that Team Twopenny and famed owner Cheapie McCheapo plan to sign an established first baseman, as calamity insurance, in case Ty Austin and Greg Bird fizzle out like the once-promising "freedom fries" movement. In the old days, we'd be talking about the impending signing of Edwin Encarnacion. Not anymore. Instead, the rumor mill is polishing up veteran lug nuts such as Mike Napoli, Adam Lind, James Loney, Dan Johnson, and Yourn Amehere.

Surely, one of the above antiques will soon become the Yankees' official fallback first baseman. Because we have always loved pugs.

By "pug," I mean no disrespect. These guys play first base, some of them well. But a pug is a pug - a bulldog at the plate, somewhat homely, slow as herpes, and usually two notches over the belt line. They bark like hell, scare off intruders, don't bite and wag their tails when you come home from work. Pugs are fine. It's the poodles that wreck a ball club.

For the sake of history, I will now create what should show up in Google searches for "List of Yankee Pugs." For brevity, I am confining the list to first base and of this millennium.

LIST OF YANKEE PUGS (at first base and of this millennium.)

Lance Berkman
Tony Clark
Ron Coomer
Ike Davis
Travis Ishikawa
Travis Lee
Casey McGehee
Doug Mientkiewicz
Juan Miranda
John Olerud
Lyle Overbay
Chris Parmelee
Steve Pearce
Josh Phelps
Andy Phillips
Mark Reynolds
Richie Sexon
Craig Wilson

Again, I mean no disrespect. Some of these guys - Lye Overweight, Tony the Tiger, the Eye Chart - remain treasured memories. But what I want to make one point here:

Generally - pugs don't do it. Okay?

Can we all agree on this? Pugs. Don't. Work.

We can sign Justin Morneau. He's a former MVP. He's might hit .260. He's a fine person. He's a pug.

He. Won't. Work.

We can sign Adam Lind. A good man. He might hit .260 - that's Ruthian, compared to Tex last season. It. Won't. Matter. He's a pug.

If Bird and Austin flop, we won't win the World Series with James Loney. It. Won't. Matter. He's a pug.

In the spirit of the new, thrifty Yankees, I propose we enter 2017 without a pug safety net below Austin and Bird. If they suck in April, let them suck in May... and then June and then July. Let them learn to unsuck, at least until the trade deadline. Or promote some kid from Trenton. (Note: With Bird and Austin in NY, our farm system is paper thin at first. Our top 1B prospect could be Dante Bichette Jr. - who hasn't made a Baseball America ranking list for years. Then again, Ty Austin had faded out of the prospect picture, so...) If we sign a pug, here's what will happen: He'll impress Joe Girardi in spring training, and he'll start for the first three months of the season, and we won't even know whether Austin and Bird can do it. He will suck all the air out of the most important Yankee youth movement in this millennium. And even if the pug has a good month or two, his production will then tumble, and we will look at him and say, what the hell were we doing? He's. A. Pug.

Look: Somebody has to play first. If Bird and Austin collapse, it's Refsynder time! Maybe then, we sign a pug. For now, let's not.