Thursday, November 17, 2016
Posted by el duque at 7:40 AM
Who knows what's ahead? Maybe they'll reopen the old TV picture tube plants, bringing back good-payin' jobs. Maybe we'll go extinct. Either way, ratings through the roof! What matters is that we - adult children of the Yankiverse - learn from The President, The Donald.
I've taken the liberty of compiling a transition list.
1. Drain the swamp. It's time to toss out the East Coast elites who have turned the Yankees into the Brewers of Milwaukee. We must prosecute Crooked Hal, Lyin' Randy, Little Brian and their chummy, front office bureaucrats. The Bronx needs to be wiped clean, all the way down to the cleaning ladies who are paid to be wiping the place clean. Don't we have empty cells at Gitmo? Check their e-mails, you Wiki pals in Macedonia. Round them up. What do we gotta lose?
2. Relieve and Replace. That was once Joe Girardi's bullpen mantra. It should be ours with Bindin' Joe. Listen: He's a fundamentally good man. He's had a fine run. It's now been eight seasons, and these September breakdowns - some of the worst in our history - have clearly left him with PTSD. Last year, he was flat-out terrible - crushed by the weight of those binders and seasons upon seasons of failure. He doesn't need jail time. He needs a year of scrap-booking. He's only 52. A 12-month sabbatical would add 20 years to his life. He can come back and manage until he's 70. But we - and he - need a change. What do we gotta lose?
3. Lock 'em up! I'm talking about John and Suzyn. Lock them up to lifetime contracts or - better - until the Yankees win one more championship. I don't know how long The Master can go before his heart explodes during a win-warble. But he can't just walk away after another meaningless early October game, when we're playing the Zolios. Ma and Pa need one last burst of glory, and this notion of retiring them after 2017 - if it's true - needs to be scrapped. Lock 'em up! What do we gotta lose?
4. Throw in with Putin (Boston.) Let's end the cold war and give the Redsocks proper credit: They've become more evil that us. Last summer, they got caught bundling bonuses to 16-year-old Latinos, so they could beat the spending limits imposed by MLB. Some people call that "cheating." And some people think that if you cheat once, you probably do it all the time, right? Maybe it's time for us to join our friends - blow up all the trade agreements and spending caps that have been put in place to tie our hands. If we both do it, we'll surely be soon joined by Assad (the Dodgers) and Kim (the Cubs.) No more Evil Empire. We'll form an Axis of Evil. We can rule the world. What do we gotta lose?