Saturday, August 26, 2017

Warning to all Yankee fans: If you intend to keep watching, make sure you write your social security number onto your arm with a Sharpie, so you can identified later

Didn't some alien voice - from some wormhole-infested galaxy far far away - tell us how Thursday's glorious rumble would galvanize the Yankees, uniting the team for its big stretch run? Because - let's never forget - shortly after defending our manhood with fisticuffs, this team stupidly lost to the Tigers, and last night, inside those embarrassingly loud, ex-Houston Colt 45 jerseys, this team should have been called the "Patsies." 

Seattle looked comfortable in its powder blue underwear, and I guess I'm no longer part of the prized demographic, but I found it insufferable, watching 100 years of Yankee tradition pissed away with soccer jerseys and nicknames like "Head" and "All Starling" where pinstripes should be. MLB claims it's all for charity; let's just say I'm skeptical. My guess is that somehow, Steiner Collectibles will be selling those odious, obnoxious ripoffs for years to come, long after the nonprofits have signed off. If we've learned anything about modern professional sports, it's that everything can and must be monetized, and if a tradition is not pulling its weight - profit-wise - who needs it?   

As for the team, well, where do you start? Wherever we look, another leak springs in the floorboards. First, the bullpen. Then, the batting order. Tomorrow, the rotation. Sunday, the defense. It's always something. In one-run games, the Yankees are 15-21 this season. Essay question: Please, somebody... tell me how this team is going to win anything relevant? 

Last night, it hurt to watch. Sitting there, I was ashamed of myself. It was embarrassing, demeaning. I felt like a recovering alcoholic, pouring shot after shot, squandering months of sobriety by sitting there, inning after inning, drowning in my degradation. Down 1-0 and squandering base runners, inning after inning, I couldn't overcome the sense that this team will be one more lipstick-smudged cigarette butt in the ashtray of Yankee history. There is no longer certainty that Aaron Judge will be a great Yankee, or that any lead is safe, or that the "Baby Bombers" will be anything more than a future punch line for cynical fans. Where do you start?

1. Last night, when news broke that Trump had pardoned "Sheriff Joe," did anybody else immediately think of Sheriff Joe Cowley? My second thought: "Big deal; Hal has pardoned Joe for the last four years." 

2. "The Missile" is now "The Cuban Missile Crisis." Aroldis Chapman's ERA this month is 9.00. Eight innings, eight earned runs, eight hits, three home runs, six walks and a hit-batter. Horrible. Those are overworked-Scott-Proctor-in-free-fall numbers. For the foreseeable future, I cannot imagine how Joe can rationalize using "The Missile" in anything less than a 12-0 blowout. He belongs in Scranton. Worse, considering Foodstamp Hal's unwillingness to open his purse, El Chapo looks like exactly the kind of salary dead weight that can cripple Yankees spending for years. We're finally on the verge of getting out from under A-Rod's contract... now, this. Unbelievable.

3. The YES team no longer blathers hope that "All Rise" is looking better and better with each at bat, and he's ready to break out of his slump any minute now. That broadcasting phase ended a few games ago. Now, they just talk about his timing being off, as if that isn't the problem with every bad hitter in baseball. The back of the jersey should say "All Rise*" and the asterisk should be defined as "All Rise to Go Get Something to Eat, Because Watching Is Just Too Painful." Right now, Judge is the last guy you want at bat with runners on base. And Joe still won't sit him for a few games. Waste deep in the big muddy, and the big fool says to press on... 

4. Today, we have a 3-game lead (loss column) for the one-night wild card. Trouble is, five teams remain within five games of us (losses, that is.) By Monday, Seattle could be raging and restored. If not for that gleeful six-game respite between the Mets and pre-brawl Tigers, we'd already be on the downside, looking up. And when you look at this team, in these ridiculous jerseys, you don't see the lineage of Ruth, Mantle and Jeter anymore. You see A-A Ron and D-Dawg. You Star Wars action figures and Burger King bobbleheads, and you see a team that won't be playing beyond Oct. 1. And if we blow this, good riddance. Where the hell IS Sheriff Cowley, anyway?

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

FLABBERGASTED.....

4 MORE YEARS OF THIS GUY SWEATING, AND BLOWING GAMES FOR $17 MILL PER ???

4 MORE YEARS OF CASHMAN ???

4 MORE YEARS OF GIRARDI ???

I JUST TOOK THE CAP OFF MY SHARPIE.

Anonymous said...

WELL, IT'S OBVIOUS SOME HIGHER UPS IN THE YANKEE ORGANIZATION ARE READING THIS BLOG.

GREG BIRD IS BEING RUSHED TO THE STADIUM TO BE IN TODAY'S LINEUP.

HE IS BATTING 6TH TODAY.

IT MADE ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE TO HOLD HIM BACK UNTIL TUESDAY.

HE COULD HAVE HELPED US WIN YESTERDAY'S TITTY TWISTER.

Alphonso said...

I can't tell you how many times I have been in that " recovering alcoholic" scene you so well depicted. But now, I just relish in it.

"Fuck it," I say, I love Crown Royal.

It is the only way to get through a Yankee game.

" Man the torpedoes, full speed ahead."

John M said...

ANONYMOUS has been so right the last couple of posts. Just dead on. If anyone missed his comment on the previous post, go back and check it out.

And once again, I have to point out that if we won just half of the games that Girardi has lost directly through his managerial genius, we'd be running away with the East.

Joe F said...

Side note... Why in God's green earth Earth would you be nicknames THE MISSLE given all the domestic issues you've had... BONEHEAD is what NEEDS to be his nickname

Tom said...

or MISSILE CRISIS as duque suggested
or GOPHER BALL
or SHELLSHOCKED
or PTSA VICTIM

right now, his suckitude is overshadowing Judge, and he is No. 1 enemy of winning games. however ... and this is when the sunshine and rainbows start shooting out of my ass ... I believe he can be taught how to pitch. May not happen this year. OK, won't happen this year, but if he's a real competitor the way they say he is, he will get busy on some alternate pitches that keep people off balance. Obviously everybody with a bat has caught up to his heat, but if he can develop another pitch by year 5 of his contract he might be able to get another contract.

Tom said...

Aaron Judge is no longer having fun. In fact he looks pretty unhappy with the way things are going, which is not terribly surprising. I don't think this is any sort of abandonment of the youth movement, but he needs to sit for a few days and then earn his way back into the lineup. I'd like him to be a good ballplayer as much as anybody, but right now his prime spot in the batting order is only a platform for embarrassment.

Leinstery said...

"From 0-2 to a man on base: The Sonny Gray Story"

Leinstery said...

".087 BA with RISP: The Definitive Aaron Judge Biography"

Tom said...

Robbie Cano benched for first two games. Has he been jogging? Comes in to pinch hit with the game on the line, but only manages a groundball to second because he got his nickname wrong, spelling with proper English. I think Sterling employed a little New York is his HR call, Doncha Know!

Tom said...

the ultimate insult to Judge: Psychoanalysis on television by Paul O'Neill.

ooof. another strikeout.

joe de pastry said...

WHHAATTT?
Those weren't softball teams trying to play baseball?
I guess I should have left it on, but I would have puked if I knew those were the Yankees. What happened to tradition? This is the worst thing since [or before} artificial turf and domed stadiums.

Urban Farmer formerly known as DutchFan said...

I couldn't overcome the sense that this team will be one more lipstick-smudged cigarette butt in the ashtray of Yankee history.

Who needs meaning and exegesis of Yankee baseball when you get the swagger of the word.

Anonymous said...

el duque wants Hal to open the purse--but that's exactly what he did for Ellsbury, Chapman, and Headley--and countless other duds. How's that been working out? You can't simultaneously call for opening the purse for misguided long-term contracts AND rebuilding with young talent. Make up your mind and write a coherent essay that doesn't tack this way or that with the last box score, please.

Joe Formerlyof Brooklyn said...


I watched Saturday's game. Could someone please splain to me why Judge was #2 in the lineup (instead of maybe #7) - ?

Trying to get more at-bats for the guy? Planning on sending him on stolen-base attempts, in the hope of getting him injured?

Please: use small words and concise thoughts. As if you were talking to a cocker spaniel.

Anonymous said...

I SAID THE SAME THING JOE FORMERLY....

GIRARDI'S HARD-HEADEDNESS IS AMAZING.

HE KNOWS HE HAS TO MOVE JUDGE IN THE LINEUP. (OBVIOUSLY DOWN IN THE ORDER).

.......SO WHAT DOES HE DO TO SHOW HE IS SMARTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE?

HE PLAYS CUTE AND BARELY MOVES HIM...(CLEANUP AND THE #2 SPOT)?? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

THE IDEA IS TO TRY TO RELEASE SOME PRESSURE OFF HIM BY MOVING HIM DOWN TO 6TH OR 7TH

CAN GIRARDI BE THAT DOPEY TO NOT SEE THIS ?????

TRULY AMAZING.