Thursday, December 12, 2019

Amid the madness of next October, America will have one unifying diversion: The return of the Evil Empire

Thus far, I've dreaded 2020. It's that horrible, all-consuming, presidential election. It doesn't matter which side you're on. It'll be the most divisive vote in our lifetimes. Friendships strained. Families torn. I could fill 20 blogs with my political opinions - (which are dead on right, by the way!) - but then again, I was wrong about Jesus Montero. (Damn, I thought the pug would hit.) So, I'll spare you. But across America, next October will be batshit insane.

That's another reason to cheer the Yankees' move yesterday with Gerrit Cole. No player can guarantee a world series, or even a post-season. But if the Yanks miss the 2020 playoffs, I'll personally pay Rudy Giuliani to connect the Ukrainian dots. Nothing will make sense.

Even if Luis Severino and Giancarlo Stanton repeat their dismal outputs from 2019, the Death Star should still make the 2020 playoffs with Aaron Hicks to spare. And if it's a wild card game that we must win, we now have the pitcher to start it. 

You can't predict baseball, Suzyn, but here's an observation: Even if the team eats contaminated romaine, they should still win 95 games. With luck, they could take 120. Thus, during the madness of October, as the Presidential election ticks down like a bomb, and the streets turn into hockey brawls, America will have the Yankees to love or hate, to cheer or boo... which is how God intended baseball to be. 

Imagine the brisk, late October nights in the Bronx. The frenzied crowds. The explosion after each pitch. The Master singing win-warbles - perhaps the final ones of his career. Everyone in Yankee Stadium - 60,000 people, Republicans or Democrats - united, as one. 

When the World Series pits KC vs SD - with due respect to those fine towns - it's not the same. America needs the big bad Yankees, the Evil Empire - not a franchise of nerdy, calculating tightwads who scrapbook their way into the playoffs. Perhaps MLB - instead of neutering New York's financial might - will recognize what every comic book and pro wrestling "federation" has inherently understood: Without super-villains, there can be no superheroes.

We should bought ourselves a diversion next October. We'll need one. 

Now, as for the all-important news/rumors of the day... well, to be honest, nothing bothers me. Nothing.

Yeah, it hurts to lose Didi, but I'm excited to see Thairo Wade and Tyler Estrada (wait, is that right?) compete for a utility role. 

Okay, it'll hurt to lose Dellin, but I'm excited to see all those newbies from Scranton and Trenton. Young, fresh arms. Somebody will step up, right?

Sure, it'll hurt to lose Austin, but Higgy is ready (and Romy deserves a starting shot.) 

Nope, we won't get bupkess for Happ, unless we package him with Miggy or Red Thunder, but that kind of bundle ought to bring someone interesting. 

And it looks as though Gardy will return, so the team better buttress the dugout roof. Nope. Nothing rattles me. We have our Catfish, our Rocket, our Moose. Damn. Dare we think it: The Canyon of Heroes. 


Anonymous said...



Joe Formerlyof Brooklyn said...

I don't think 2020 will be "less because we ain't got no Didi.

But: I sure am going to miss watching him, on the field, at the plate, and in the dugout. The guy was HAPPY.

So (in 2018) was Miggy, by the way.

I am a Yankees' fan for a lot of reasons. But what I really appreciate (now that I am an old geezer) about the game, and the team (sometimes) is DISTRACTION.

Didi helped with that. Now Phillies fans will come to appreciate him, esp. in contrast with Bryce Nightmare.

Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

I'm still hurtin' from Didi going to Phillies.
Damn, that guy made me say, Derek who? He will be missed by our household big time!
Maybe he can teach Bryce some class. (I live in DC area and Bryce wasn't loved here despite the stuff you read or see on TV. trust me!)

13bit said...

I don't think we should utter the phrase "canyon of heroes" for a while. let's stay in the day, brothers and sisters.

The Ghost of Yankees Past said...

I am glad the Yankees got Cole. Clearly our chances of winning the World Series just went up. The next Five years should be exciting. I hope he excels. In fact you could argue the best scenario is that he does so well he ops out after five years.

Ceeja said...

Get me Lindor. Then I will love Hal 4 ever

Anonymous said...

Re: 2020

Well, if you have to have bread and circuses I suppose it's best to have the biggest clown car.

Doug K.

JM said...

Remember, Doug, clown cars are only funny if they're small and you have a lot of clowns.

Cicada Hal is my new name for our fearless leader. Every ten years, his wallet comes out.

Old King Cole is still five or seven years away, but he will get there. We all do, if we're lucky.

Margaret, your name reminds me of Henny Youngman.

What do you call a girl with a wooden leg? Peg.

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Eilein.

I know a girl with beautiful hair that grows down her back. Too bad none of it grows on her head.

Woman in curlers come running out as the garbage truck rolls by. She says, "Am I too late for the garbage?" And the guy on the truck says, "No, lady, hop in."

I know a girl who's so cross-eyed, when she cries she gets bacteria.

I'll be here all week. Try the veal.

Anonymous said...


There was an old Scholastic Book Services book called "Your Own Joke Book" that was one of the first books I ever bought. I think I was in the first grade...

The joke,

"Woman in curlers come running out as the garbage truck rolls by. She says, "Am I too late for the garbage?" And the guy on the truck says, "No, lady, hop in."

is one of a few that I remember from it. It was one of the ones that was illustrated. I still have it somewhere. Great joke.

Another from that tome was "Why do birds fly south for the winter? Because it's too far to walk. It was a much simpler comedy landscape back then.

"Remember, Doug, clown cars are only funny if they're small and you have a lot of clowns."

Oh, I don't know I can think of at least ten ways to make a clown car funny even if it's not small. I'll bet you could too.

Here's a quick formula that would work:

Car door opens, traditional clown exits, traditional clown exits, recently ridiculed celeb or politician exits. (Get laugh)

Repeat with similar.

Repeat and change the 3rd to something themed to first two but unexpected. (Get laugh.)

Doug K.

Anonymous said...

Gardner and the Yankees have agreed on a one-year, $12.5 million deal with a club option for '21, according to a source.

JM said...

I like Gardy, but Marte would've been better.

Doug, you have a point about the clown car. The quick formula is a surefire winner.

Anonymous said...


Re: Marte.

You and me. Plus 12.5 is way too much for Gardner.

Marte is 11.5 this year and 12.5 next. Much better player.

Doug K.

Joe Formerlyof Brooklyn said...

Hey the Rule 5 draft appears to have robbed the Yankees of . . . a guy named Garcia. Never hoid of him.

...and, if this write-up is correct, ONLY Garcia:

ranger_lp said...

Catcher Austin Romine has agreed to a one-year contract worth just over $4 million with the Detroit Tigers, a source told ESPN's Buster Olney on Thursday.

TheWinWarblist said...

A lot of yammering about the Yanks going after a trade for Josh Hader. It'll cost Red Thunder and at least one infielder, I think. But he's just another reliever albeit a really good one. But he's young with 4 years of club control still on his service clock.

HoraceClarke66 said...

How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her.

Horse walks into bar. Bartender says, 'Why the long face?'

Skeleton walks into a bar, says, 'Gimme a beer and a mop.'

Mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender says, 'We don't want your kind in here.' Mushroom says, 'Why? I'm a fungi.'

Duck walks into a drugstore, gets some lip gloss, takes it up the counter. The cashier says, 'Will that be cash or charge?' Duck says, 'Just put it on my bill.'

All right, that's all I got.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Miggy should only go for Lindor. Period.

Hader might be worth the Red Menace.

Too bad about Marte, we could've used him.

I'd love to give Toonces another chance, but I don't know what he's asking.

Rony Garcia, in his fourth year of pro ball, made it to Trenton last season, where he was 4-11, 4.78 ERA. Hey, you never know about young pitchers. But still.

HoraceClarke66 said...

And the Mets signed Rick Porcello!

Heeheeheeheeheeheehee...I just can't help it.

Apparently, the Mets are out of the Toonces sweepstakes. Too rich for their blood. I kid you not! They keep talking about how, with Wacha and Porcello, "there's a big upside."

Yep. For us. The big upside is that if Porcello does somehow have a miracle won't be for the Boston Red Sox.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Romine actually could be a big loss. The scuttlebutt is that the Yanks are going to sign Cole's personal catcher, Martin Maldonado. He'd be an improvement over Higgy, but he's no Lettuce.

Retired Stratman said...

Guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head. Bartender says “what’s up with that?”
The frog says “well, it started out as a boil on my ass and it just kept growing.”

I still think they should try Miggy at first base. His fielding at third was really not bad - it was just his throwing that held him back. That sidearm throw he kept reverting to was terrible for a third baseman, but really not bad for first. The only throws a first baseman really needs to make with any regularity are to home and to second base on the 3-6-3 double play, and the sidearm throw works well there. He’s a better hitter than Voit, and we could keep Gleyber at second and DJ as the roving infielder they envisioned him as. Then trade everybody who’s left on the roster for Lindor.

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