Severing with Sevy: Sir, it's over.

Dear Mr. Severino,

Ever see those AT&T commercials, starring Lily the Counter Girl? She's this Russian-born hottie - Milana Vayntrub, a 10 by any analysis - who is pillowed and padded down to a perky 6, so she can pitch phones for an evil corporation. Lily has no home life, no boyfriend, no purpose, other than to sell service plans. In one 2021 ad, her Hamlet-Emmy moment, LeBron James takes over, causing her to ask, distressingly, "Are you taking my job?" Load the tear cannons. It is Streep. It is Mirren. It is Robbie. 

Vayntrub has been doing Lily, off and on, since 2013. That's a long, long time.

But not as long as you've been with the Yankees. 

Maybe its time for both of you to hang up the - um - cleats.

I say this with reverence to Lily, the loyal phone foot-soldier, and to the 2019 contract  that was meant to make you a Yankee for eternity. It followed a season when you won 19 games and finished 9th in the Cy Young. You and the Yankees seemed a perfect match - Kim & Kanye, J-Lo & A-Rod, Miley & Liam, Joe & Sophie  Everybody wanted the marriage to work. 

Well, it didn't. And it's over. 

Officially, it ended last night, when you suddenly imploded into pain. A tweak of the ol' cabbage basket. Nothing worse. You've had your share. 

But actually, your time on the target range ended in July. 

You'll finish 2023 with 89 innings and an ERA of 6.65. If you were a movie, you'd be House of Gucci. If you were a band, Nickelback. But come February, you'll turn 30, and a new life shall beckon. There is no question of whether the Yankees should re-sign you, or whether you should stay in NYC and try to remain the wholesome Yankee counter girl. To both questions, the answer is a hard, hard no. 

It's time to try a new franchise, a new city, a new set of coaches, a new fan base, a new phone plan. Who knows? Maybe you'll regain the command you lost, when you signed that deal with Mephistopheles Hal.

Finally, a personal note: 

Over the years, we at this blog occasionally have treated you nastily. We weren't always kind. If we were excessively cruel - I should say WHEN we were excessively cruel - I hereby apologize. You never dogged it. You never faked it. It just wasn't meant to be. I believe Jason Giambi summed it up best: They only boo because they want to cheer.  

That said, Sir, I have one request: Leave the AL East. Don't go to any of the teams that outwardly despise us. Don't become their hatred mascot. You can shut us out. You can become a Yankee Killer. Just do it on the West Coast, preferably the NL. Go forth and prosper.

It's time to go. It's time to start a new life, Lily.