Have you ever wondered why you're here? Ever asked about the meaning of life? Inquired about why you came on line, after all that's happened before you? The big bang? The dinosaurs? Homo sapiens? The dawn of civilizations? And now this, whatever the fuck is coming?
Well, I think our job is rather simple.
We're here to behold Aaron Judge. In the next life, be it heaven or hell, they'll ask us in the cafeteria line if what they've heard is true. Was Judge as good Ruth? As good as Bonds? As good as they claim?
Our job will be to testify. Yeah. In fact, he was better...
So, here we are: I can't believe we must go through this, all over again, with Judge.We need a new nickname - or rallying cry, or catchphrase, or gaseous bleat - that adequately expresses the joy of being a Yankee fan during Judge's time on Earth.
The "All-Rise" salute had its moments. And The Master bellowed about "Judgian blasts" in a voice so full of glee that it bordered on sexual.
But in recent weeks, Judge is even out-revving YES, the second greatest hype machine on the planet, after Fox News.
Of course, nobody knows how long Judge can keep hitting .400. In the modern age, nobody hits .400. Nobody. Frankly, if Judge bats .330, he'll chase the Triple Crown. What he's doing right now is anarchy: He's making a mockery of stats that form the bedrock foundation of baseball. He's doing this while sandwiched in a lineup between two geezers, producing numbers that don't belong to humanity.
Soon, he'll hit a speedbump. Nobody dominates a modern sport in the way he is currently doing. In fact, it's hard to remember that last year, he hit 58 HRs, drove in 144 runs and batted .322 - and it wasn't his career season. He's 32. This could be it - his masterpiece - and we get to watch.
Which brings me back to today's central thesis. What do you call the player who crashes through all previous ceilings, from Babe to Barry - and who simply is too good to be lumped in with the shaved monkey populations of Earth? We've already used The Martian. With respect to Jasson Dominguez - who I doubt ever wanted that nickname - Judge should have been called The Martian.
But but BUT... there's time to remedy the situation.
Judge needs to be named after a celestial object. Some suggestions:
The Jupiterian. It's easy. Instead of Mars, we go bigger. The problem: It's too derivative of Dominguez. Also, it's a tongue-twister.
The Sun. I like the all-everything California vibe. But it implies that Judge is the son of a great player. If Cody Bellinger provided Judge's numbers, he could be The Sun. Doesn't work.
Alpha Centari? Closest star to the sun. I like the "Alpha" part. Needs work. Nah.
The Big Dipper. Not bad. But it makes us think he still chases balls in the dirt. He's over that.
Europa. The smallest of Jupiter's moons. Believed to have a vast underground ocean, which might harbor life. But people will assume he's from Europe.
Ganymede. Largest moon in the solar system. Probably too big to support life, as we know it. I like this, though. Got a ring to it.
There are others, all kinds of gods and titans. I can't believe we have to go through this again. Greatness is a hassle, eh?
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24 comments:
My friend Tommy Shirts and I have always called him "Tiny." Since day 1, when he appeared in the cosmos - not like a planet, but like a great burning star, a veritable constellation of mighty stars burning brightly. We will all always love Tiny. I only wish Brian would give him the support need to earn himself a ring.
I'm not sure that celestial monikers are the right ones for Judge. Ancient gods, titans, mythological or literary creatures, even animated characters might work better.
But what he needs more than a glorifying nickname is a sagacious manager who knows how to win the tough games and lead a team to the promised land, supported by coaches who can matter and without the intervention of an incompetent and meddling analytics squad or a training/conditioning dept, that excels as a sabotage unit.
Doc, you ripped the words from my heart ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
As great as he is, Judge needs to dominate like this in the postseason to be a true Yankees immortal. It hurts to say it, but I think it's true. And that's where the clown show of Cashman and Boone (who is truly an idiot) is so incredibly horrible. It's not unreasonable to think that Judge has pressed so hard in the postseason because he is aware that every shot could be his last shot. And that's due to the Bozo Brothers.
The Bronx Bozos
E.D. - ∆ - Me thinks that Galactus would be a solid option (especially with the upcoming F4 release on the horizon)
Alternatively, there's also:
Any appropriate character portrayed by Ted Cassidy or Richard Kiel
Ummmm, he already has a nickname, which is his real name, The Judge. Not just any judge. This one brings Judgment Day. That enough for you?
Even if he dominates in the postseason, it still won't be enough to win a championship, unless he gets a lot of help from the other players. Still a team game. One player never won a championship in baseball.
I think it brings up the question do you have to win a championship to be "a true Yankee immortal"? Mattingly never won, but it'd be tough to say he's not a Yankee immortal. He did put up like three seasons for the ages before the back injury.
If you are looking for a celestial name, you might have stumbled across it in your own first paragraph. The Big Bang.
But I don’t think he really needs a nickname. He will be remembered for a long time even without a catchy moniker.
With apologies to Vonnegut, wherever he is:
The Tralfamadorian.
A visitor from another planet. And don't forget, along with Billy Pilgrim, the Tralfamadorians also kidnapped . . . Montana Wildhack.
How's Our Favorite Martian doing? Living up to reasonable projections of a serviceable MLB career? Fourth outfielder for a true contender, middle-ish of the order for the Pirates? Good for him. The seems about right. Perennial all star who complements the generation's transcendent talent? Only Cashman could have believed that.
I think we need to withhold any final judgment on JD, but I grant the results so far have been underwhelming. His injury history also a concern. Quick take: make him a lefty only hitter. Perhaps that is his true calling, a reliable platoon partner. Time will tell, as always.
One of my favorite George Roy Hill films . . . .
Remember, early on, when we were all having a discussion here about what Judge should be called? This was his rookie season. There were many good suggestions and then somebody - I don't remember who - said, "We should just call him 'Captain'" and that was the end of the discussion.
Captain Big Bang, Galactus, Tiny, Lurch
AA, I kind of like "Captain Big Bang".
The Almighty Judge
I would agree that he doesn't need a nickname. But it just crossed my mind that if he doesn't get a catchy moniker, Aaron Boone will ensure that he goes down in history as "Judgie".
So I nominate "The Titan".
He hasn't gotten going yet. But same with Juan Soto. They have similar numbers. It's only 25 games. If he's still plodding along after half a season, then you can start to think maybe he's not going to be a great hitter.
His right handed stance is so different from his lefty stance. Maybe he needs a timing mechanism from the right side. Take a small three or four inch step before the swing. The curious thing is that they said he was a better righty hitter before the elbow injury. So did the injury take something out of his right handed swing?
Captain Big Bang….aka The Almighty Judge has begun his titanic slide. Now a painfully disheartening 0-2 tonight with a strikeout.
Will it EVER END !?!
Volpe comes up small. Again.
Take our closer, please take him...
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