A few words, please...?
(Clears throat. Deep breath. Wipes sweat.)
JEEZE KRICE, MAN! WAKE UP AND GET IN THE GAME!
By Friday, Tatsuya Imai - the best free agent pitcher on the market - either signs with an MLB team or returns to Japan in 2026.
Dear God, he's standing there, RIGHT THERE! You can't miss him. He's bobbing his head to the music, tapping his toes, trying to look cool. He's waiting for somebody - HE'S WAITING FOR YOU, DAMMIT - to walk up and say those simple but magical words that have conjured generations of human history...
"Hey, ya wanna dance?"
THAT'S IT! That's all it will take! Just buck up! Comb your hair. Tuck in your shirt. Swallow your gum. Take one step, then another. Pretend to be confident, even though you're terrified. Just go to him, now!
Listen: He won't bite. He's as frightened as you are. Make an offer. Twenty-five a year. You've got the money, dammit. What else will you buy? Another Mexican League MVP? The Cy Young winner of Madagascar?
Come on, man. YOU CAN DO THIS! You've waited all winter. You stood in the corner, watching other owners do it. The O's signed Pete Alonso, the Blue Jays got Dylan Cease, the Redsocks, Sonny Gray. You just watched.
COME ON, MAN! GET IN THE GAME!
As Katy Perry says...
You got the eye of the tiger, a fighter
Dancing through the fire, 'cause you're a champion,
And we're gonna hear you ROARRRRR!
Listen: You won't be 56 forever. Time's a movin'. This is it, your golden peak, your last great youthful fling in the garden of erect nipples. Make your move, lad. He's waiting for you. IT'S TIME TO ROARRRR!
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5 comments:
The overriding flavor of America over the past 10 years or so has been the joy and liberty with which the ruling class has said "FUCK YOU" to all the rest of us. If Hal signs this uber-lugnut, I'll be thrilled, but don't overestimate just how little Hal cares. How little that little Hal cares. How very, very little that Hal cares. Let me repeat: Hal does not care about baseball, the Yankees, winning, or us. Hal cares about one thing and that is Little Hal and Hal's pocketbook. Remember, this is the time of grievances. You all are upsetting Hal by attempting to pressure him. We should take what crumbs he throws at us and then surrender our money so that he can buy another toy.
Read this morning East Carolina hired Juan Soto as wide receivers coach. You go girl. Follow your dreams!
What an educational day on IIH. I didn't know they had a Cy Young Award in Madagascar. Is that real Madagascar or the animated Madagascar? Because the animated one is a lot funnier, I think. And I didn't know East Carolina hired Juan Soto, though he's so thin I don't see how he understands coaching receivers who are wide. But that's basefootball, Suzyn.
Has anyone else noticed how badly we're going to suck next year? Whoo, baby, it's gonna be really, really pathetic.
Hey, Judgie, how happy are you about that contract now? You're never going to win a ring unless you sign with LA as a pinch-hitter when you're 45.
I fucking hate him so very much.
Or sit on your ass, do nothing and save some dough, you fucking cheapskate!
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