We suck.
Nobody's hitting. The bullpen can't hold a lead. We burn through quality starts. This weekend, we're playing in a giant ping pong ball, an echo chamber of audio memes, where balls seem to splash in the fake turf, and the domed ceiling conceals pop-ups like zits on a supermodel's chin. It doesn't even matter if the crowd is on our side. We've lost three straight, squandering the Yankees' best opening weeks of this millennium.
Yep, it royally sucks. But take a deep breath, crack your knuckles, and step away from the Abyss. Now, repeat after me:
"It's only fucking April."
"Nothing fucking matters before Memorial Day."
"Judge will soon start fucking hitting."
"The AL East fucking sucks."
"The fucking Redsocks are in fucking last place."
Repeat, as needed.
Yes, we will relive last year's horror. Why wouldn't we? You've heard of Trump's Project 2025? This is Cashman's. We spent $50 million just to reconstruct last year's lineup, as if it won anything. If not for the current AL Slop - only three teams sit above .500 - sirens would be blaring, and the hoary ghost of Old George, who still lives in the hearts of Yank fans - would be calling for cabbages to roll.
And yet... here we are, best record in the AL. Soon, Judge will soon stop lunging at pitches out of his area code, and Ryan McMahon - the two-term Onondaga County Executive - will return to his Syracuse-based bureaucracy and stop playing 3B for the Yankees.
Yeah, we suck. But cheer up. It's only April. Only April. Only April...
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Last week, the wife and I passed several evenings watching Crime Scene Kitchen. It's the first baking show I've liked. Anyway, episode after episode, in all three seasons, at least one team would make it to the semifinals or even the finals for a simple reason: they weren't really good, but they sucked less than other teams.
And today, we have Duque's post. Okay, the bakers who squirted by never won the finals (and the big $100,000 prize!), but they were fun to watch as they tried so valiantly to overcome their built-in ineptitude.
Now if only the Yankees were fun to watch...
First off, it's April. All discussion of standings is just sidewalk conversation. Second, I do subscribe to JM's "suck less than the others" theory. NOT that the Yankees suck less than the others. They just suck a bit less right now. THAT CAN CHANGE. "Let's run it back out there" will come back to haunt them.
Judge: if he's playing through injury, might be a lot later than sooner that he starts hitting.
McMahon: with Cashman, the more a player can't hit, usually, the longer he stays in the lineup & the roster. So if it's typical Cashman, McMahon will be here all year, get at least 500 at bats.
Ever notice that, whenever the Yankees play in Tampa or Houston, long fly balls by Yankee hitters always seem to die right at the wall but, when Tampa or Houston batters hit 'em, they zoom out like they're propelled by rocket fuel?
I've noticed that for a long time now. Not just last night. Wonder if those two franchises are cooking the baseballs in the humidifier, treating home team pitchers and visiting team pitchers differently, so that visiting team's batted balls die on the track and home team's batted balls zoom out. I've heard humidifier treatment is legal, but not sure if discriminatory humidifier treatment is legal.
Once again, Yanks badly outplayed in Tampa. You'd think they'd get tired of getting their butts handed to them by the Tampons.
Notice how many infield dribbler hits the Tampons always get. Yankee analytics probably think that's just dumb luck. It ain't. It comes from the manager. Dusty Baker used to say "make contact, put it in play, and you force them to catch it, throw it, and make the put out, but if you strike out, nothing happens." Evidently, Kevin Cash says the same kind of thing to his players, especially when they play the Yankees. Think Boone ever says that to his players? Somehow, I highly doubt it.
Simple parabolic air current manipulation (attenuation of the BLOW and SUCK settings) likely coupled with humidor-cooked baseballs AND possibly the likelihood that the Yankees could also suck.
LOL! I've thought of the AC meeself in the past! BLOW and SUCK! Haha! All kidding aside, that's a serious possibility.
My humble, pre-coffee-Saturday apologies, HoG . . I have a correction:
The Hal, Pal and Binky Boone Yankees not only SUCK but they can BLOW as well.
Grisham as pinch hitter in 9th last night seems to me relevatory of Boone's limitations. He had a choice...pinch hit for the flailing Grichuk or pinch hit for the flailing Caballero.
Grisham is inarguably the best hitter of the three. If he pinch hits for Grichuk, the best available hitter comes up with the tying run in scoring position (assuming Jazz steal) and one out. Assuming nothing besides the stolen base, this is the Yankees' position of maximum leverage in that situation- Grisham at the plate, tying run in scoring position, one out. Maximum amount of pressure possible on the pitcher, best available hitter at the plate.
Letting Grichuk, the worst hitter of the three, hit with one out and "saving" Grisham for two outs squanders whatever marginal advantage you gain by having your best available option hit with one out.
The game moves fast, and maybe there are variables Joe Publius isn't privy to, but that just seems like piss poor tactical acumen.
Grisham with 1 out + the possibility of Caballero with 2 out > Grichuk with one out + the possibility of Grisham with 2 out.
I had thought Ivy League Ausmus was there to point things like this out to baseball bro Boonie, but Boone either ignores him or Ausmus is slow and dumb too.
Rice pinch hit with the bases empty, further enhancing the argument that Boone is an imbecile.
Grgich should not be on the roster period.
Let us also never forget Binky B leaving Stanton in as the lead runner on the base paths in the top of the 9th instead of pinch running even a pallet of cinder blocks in his place.
No, The Yankees lineup is pathetic. The team will coast through and once again go nowhere in the playoffs. The GM listens to the Analytics Guru, putz Fishman. Nice move sitting your best hitter, old at the age of 27, Ben Rice, Boonfoon.
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