An Oscar-winning solution to the Empty-Seats-Behind-Home-Plate Problem

Today, well-bred kings of the Steinbrenner braintrust are racking their brains over an issue that threatens the entire Yankiverse.

Hal and Hank Steinbrenner have watched empty seats behind home plate with the kind of stunned expressions last seen on George Bush while flying over New Orleans, or -- for senior readers -- Lucille Ball, while hovering over a conveyor belt full of moving chocolates.

They have realized that, "If you build it -- but charge $2,500 a game -- they won't come."

Yet a solution exists in a polar opposite part of the world: Hollywood.

Every year at the Academy Awards, nominees and presenters occupy front row seats, awaiting their moments of global simulated oral sex. After they leave to powder their nostrils, young male and female body doubles -- appropriately outfitted, with toned physicalities -- glide into their empty spaces. The crowd looks full, happy and lathered with imminent sex.

Nobody fears unsold Oscar tickets on StubHub.

Therefore, Team Levine must:

1. Establish an Emergency Seat Hottie Corps of physically appealing twentysomethings who will dress in skimpy, Yankee-logoed garments. They will remain on call 24/7 to fill the void, much in the manner of Cody Ransom holding 3B.

2. The Emergency Seat Hottie Corps will be trained in the art of taunt, obscenity, face-paint, power barf and fist-fight. Thus, they shall set an example for others.

3. In certain situations, such as a Jose Veras meltdown, the Emergency Seat Hottie will remove her top and bounce onto the playing field, stopping action while the bullpen gets to work.

4. The Emergency Seat Hottie Corps will speak at schools and do good deeds on behalf of the Yankees. While players hone their strokes, the Emergency Seat Hottie Corps will tour hospitals, speak at business lunches, appear at baseball card conventions and -- most importantly -- sign pre-game autographs.

5. Two secondary commando units will be formed:

The Emergency Steakhouse Obese Rich Asshole Corps and the Emergency Hard Rock Cafe 1980s Drunk Stoner Corps.

Problem solved.

Official Yankee News: Yes & Verizon have merged!

From the official release, no "spin:"

The YES Network, the most-watched regional sports network in the country for the past six years, and Verizon, the only major provider that delivers all-digital TV service over an advanced all-fiber network straight to customers' homes, have reached a multiyear video-on-demand agreement!

"This agreement with Verizon ensures that more Yankees fans than ever before can watch YES' Emmy Award-winning Yankees telecasts," said Ray Hopkins, COO, the YES Network.

Tonight's Win Warble: Just 5.49 seconds. Is Sterling calling hurt?

Tonight...

The first night victory in the history of the new Yankee Stadium...

With Jason Giambi on deck and the game on the line...

He delivered a meager 5.49 seconds Win Warble.

Five point four nine seconds? That is practically a loss.

We've worried about the bullpen. We've worried about Wang.

Is there another injury we should fear?

Mrs. Matsui — Revealed!

Exclusive!

Must credit IT IS HIGH...

Developing...

(Note from el duque: click on the pic.)

How Sweet it is!

Rocket's Growling Gonads Got Touch of Tabasco

Q: Verducci and Torre also report that a trainer used to apply hot liniment to Roger Clemens’s testicles. Did you ever witness that?

A: I’ve seen some of it drip onto his balls. He lubes. I’ve never seen a guy wear more hot shit on the planet. The guy’s basically in a jock and a pair of socks and like head to toe in hot shit. That’s no bullshit.

Q: Have you tried it yourself?

Hugging Harold Reynolds scores Gumby talk, hits below the belt.

More Mockery from Redsock Fans

This must stop...

NEW YORK (AP) --Alex Rodriguez is not the only one missing Yankees games these days.

Thousands of fans, expected to fill the luxury seats on the first level of the new Yankee Stadium, are doing the same thing.

In fact, the Bombers’ braintrust is reportedly considering taking extraordinary measures, including computer-generated images, to give the impression that the seats are filled.

The ticket manager of one major-league team, who requested anonymity, said that the Yankees are attempting to purchase from other teams videotape of fan-filled stands. "Apparently, they plan to run a blue screen around the stands from dugout to dugout, and use a computer to make it seem that someone is in the park," he said.

Yankee management refused comment on the report, but clearly was upset that no one was buying the seats. "For God’s sake," one executive said, "the centerfield-camera shot looks like a vacation videotape of the pitcher, batter and umpire, taken at Death Valley."

He added that the dearth of fans was a mystery, and was infuriating Hank Steinbrenner and other Yankee officials. "I can see why fans would stay away if we were perennial losers like Pittsburgh and Kansas City," he said. "But we won an American League pennant just
six years ago, and a World Series championship in 2000. What the hell do they want from us?"

Officials of several other teams reported that the Yankees had approached them about purchasing fan-heavy videotapes, but all said they had refused to sell such tapes to the team.

Meanwhile, in New Zealand, , Peter Jackson, director of the Lord of the Rings film trilogy, said that the Yankees had asked him about the availability outtakes of scenes involving Orcs, mythical J.R.R. Tolkein creatures that were created by the thousands in computers for the films.

"The Yankees’ people were interested at first," Jackson said, "because they said the Orcs looked like Yankee fans. But the expense of altering the computer images to eliminate the clubs and battleaxes the Orcs carried, and replace them with batteries, was prohibitive."

The empty-seat crisis worsened yesterday when the New York Post reported that one fan, who had been lost in the empty space on opening day, was located by searchers behind the third-base dugout..

"He told us he had just about given up hope of being rescued," one of the searchers said. " He felt he would never be found in that vast emptiness, that he was like a needle in a haystack."

Letter to the Editor: Sports welfare

Contra Costa Times (California)
April 16, 2009

Dear Editor

Oakland has a history of horrendous sports deals, e.g., Raiders, Warriors, A's, ice rink, etc. The incompetence of Oakland's sports-negotiations ability leaves one in awe. Ignacio De La Fuente, of Raiders' $200 million debacle fame, wants yet another stadium-monument.

Oakland schools are a disaster, its streets unsafe, its politicians a world-class embarrassment, and yet Oakland residents continue to re-elect the same crew. The past is forgotten. Oaklanders, your priorities are skewed.

Oakland spends its dollars on stadiums, the loser parts of the sports business. A city simply cannot make money from a big, dead specialty-building. If a stadium was a good investment, the A's would be the first to finance it.

The new Yankee Stadium cost $1.2 billion, all for a building that remains vacant most of the time while taxpayer costs escalate. It will forever drain the wealth of N.Y. residents.

Professional sports teams "deserve" nothing. They should get off the welfare dole and make an honest living. Their government-protected monopolies should die.

Oakland politicians assure that each new sports scheme will cost nothing and will revitalize the surrounding neighborhood. Has anyone ever walked along Hegenberger Road at night near the Coliseum?

Joe Moran
Orinda

Hey, The Steak is Great at Hank's House of Heineken

News for the New York Yankees keeps getting better by the minute.

Despite dealing with issues associated with the brand new $1.5 billion Stadium, otherwise known as The House That A-Rod's Cousin Built, which is not only a launching pad for home runs, but also selling less and less tickets through the first four days of operation.

But hey, the steak is great by all accounts!

Today, I traversed upon this little gem:

"They're throwing the book at Roger Clemens.

"American Icon," written by the Daily News award-winning sports I-Team, provides an in-depth look at the last decade of the hard-throwing righty's scandal-scarred career.

Through its 464 pages, the book - subtitled "The Fall of Roger Clemens and the Rise of Steroids in America's Pastime" - lays out the checkered past of the pinstriped great."

And I'm left with the feeling that Clemens spent his entire career with the Yankees. Or, more to the point, all the bad stuff he ever did was while he wore the majestic pinstripes?

What is this, Beat Down the Bronx Bombers and Their Loyal Fans Month? We can't catch a break?

The new stadium is all but the equivalent of a decrepit softball field behind an old farmhouse school in rural Bear's Breath, Colorado, as far as its consistency yielding home runs....

And, no family of four wants to pay over $10,000 to see a game against the Orioles, much less more to see them give up a 21-17 football score to the New England Patriots, errr.. redsocks.

And to top it all off, two bad starts by "Taking It On The" Chien-Ming Wang were further scrutinized this week after giving up his third horrific start of the season this weekend to the Indians of CLeBronland. If you showed up in the second inning because of traffic -- GUESS WHAT? Game over, thanks for your ten grrr, please come again!

But hey, the steak is great!

Is there an Olympia Sports worth of David Ortiz, Jonathan Papelbon and JD Nancy Drew jerseys buried under this goddam thing? Are we cursed? Is it A-Rod's fault?

Did She-Fan curse them over a splendid dinner of Turkey Burgers for not advertising her book at Coors Field East? COORS FIELD EAST??!!??

Can We at least come up with a better name than Coors Field East? (Listen up here Post, News and Times scribes!)

How about Hanks House Of Heineken?

Monday Rainout Delays Gala Big Apple Homecoming of Geise

"DANNY BOY'S BACK!"

Bagpipes reverberated through Big Apple Subways and Burger Kings yesterday, as fans rejoiced over the first reunion of Dan Geise and the Citi That Never Sleeps (Trademark Phrase), though a bittersweet memory it would be, as New York's favorite Dan would reappear clad in Oakland hues.

"It's Danny!" cried Mrs. Girardi, from the dugout stoop, as little brother Melky bolted down the steps. "I knew you'd come back. Look, everybody! It's Danny! He's come home!"

Poetry Corner: Anthony Claggett

Anthony Claggett

Anthony Claggett,

Your fastball, they flag it.
It floats like a maggot,

They wait there and tag it.

Throw harder, or bag it.

Anthony Claggett.

Anthony Claggett,
We'll rip you in agate,

Your body, we'll drag it.

Meet quim, you best shag it.
Or, otherwise, bag it.

Anthony Claggett.

You suck, Coke! Pepsico Joins Yanks as Official Soda Pop

The official news release of the official soft drink...

The Yankees are not only moving to a new stadium this season, they're also refreshing their beverage lineup in a partnership with PepsiCo!

As part of the agreement, Pepsi is the Official Soft Drink of the Yankees and Gatorade is the team's Official Sports Drink.

"The Yankees arguably are the most recognizable baseball club in the world and we are thrilled to join them in embarking on a new era. It's a whole new ballgame," said Dave Burwick, SVP and CMO, PepsiCo North America Beverages.

Letter to the Editor: Don't take me out to the ballgame

The Star-Ledger (Newark, New Jersey)
April 14, 2009 Tuesday

Dear Editor:

I recently visited the New York Yankees website in search of 6 tickets to an August game vs. the Texas Rangers. The Yankees site diverted me to Ticketmaster, where I selected the "best available" option for seats.

I was surprised, but not shocked at what was being offered.

The seats were located five rows behind the visitor's dugout, beyond third base into left field. Each ticket was $2,625, plus a Ticketmaster "convenience charge" of $59.70 per ticket. A $3.50 processing charge and $2.50 delivery fee for e-mailed tickets was tacked on. Grand total: $16,113.95.

Throw in parking, tolls, a couple of hot dogs and a few beers, and I'm looking at $17,000 for a two-hour ball game. Thanks, but no thanks.

The Yankee brass needs a reality check. In lieu of attending that Yankees game in August, I will use the $17,000 to pay for my daughter's next college tuition payment, which is due around that time - a far better investment.

I wish the Yankees all the best in their new $2 billion home in the Bronx from my modest 1960s split level home in the suburbs of New Jersey.

Andy Cattano
New Providence

Yankee Fans Smeared in Lancaster, Pa.

Everywhere, our enemies converge. Every fan, a suspect.

The latest...

Intelligencer Journal (Lancaster, Pennsylvania)
April 17, 2009

Police are looking for two suspects who allegedly robbed a gas station in Sadsbury Township last month and who are believed to have committed five other armed robberies in Chester County, according to news reports.

On Thursday, according to the Daily Local News newspaper in Chester County, West Chester Police Department released two images from surveillance video that show two men believed to be those who robbed a gas station in Sadsbury Township at routes 41 and 30.

The same two men are thought to have robbed people on the street in West Chester as well as at businesses in Valley Township, near Coatesville, and in Downingtown, police said.

Police said all the robberies occurred in the evening hours of March 28 and March 29.

One of the male suspects reportedly wore a dark New York Yankees hat and a black jacket with orange lining, according to the report.

Game Rained Out Because Penny-Pincher Yanks Too Cheap to Build Dome

What's on TV tonight?

The Eulogy

It’s over. Yes, Yogi did say, “it ain’t over ‘til it’s over,” but it’s over. The legacy of the New York Yankees is dead, and the new stadium is the final nail in the coffin. Mark my words; this franchise is not winning anything meaningful for a very long time.

I had the opportunity (and the good fortune as well) to be in attendance for the first “official” game at the new digs across East 161st Street, and I knew this place is gonna bring a lot of hardships after it was over. I’ve been in shock and denial since Thursday, so much so that I haven’t been paying attention to the weekend games. The new stadium magnificent, splendid, lavish, and every fancy adjective you can think of. Sure, it’s a little overpriced. The steak sandwiches out in left field are $15 a pop (that was worth every penny, though), and I’m still not content with half of that dough going to Jerry Jones. There was a 30-minute line at every single concession stand at any point in time during the game, and there was a 30-minute wait to get into Monument Park 15 minutes after the gates opened. And yes, the ball was flying out of the new stadium while I was watching batting practice. But these little things aren’t the point.

The new stadium trumps the old stadium in everything but two (and in my humble opinion the most important two) categories: mystique and aura. The new stadium completely lacks it. The old stadium had a distinct home field advantage to it. Just ask the late 90s Braves or Tim Wakefield in 2003. In the immortal words of a member of the It Is High…’s 10 Most Wanted list: Kevin Millar, “They always play Yankeeography in New York on the videoboard. As a visiting player, you see that they (the Yankees) get music to hit (during batting practice) and we get Yogi Berra and Mickey Mantle all the time.” This was his reason as to why the 2004 Red Sox didn’t take batting practice on the field during Games 6 and 7. This is why the Diamondbacks couldn’t buy a win here in 2001. We scored 7 runs in an inning off the Padres in Game 1 of the ’98 World Series, and little old Jeffrey Maier stole a homerun from Tony Tabasco Sauce. All this stuff is the mystique and aura of Yankee Stadium from just the past 15 years.

That mystique is now M.I.A. Sure, they still play Yankeeography during the other team’s BP, but there’s no mystique that The Babe once stood in this batters’ box. John Fogerty sang (cause it was pretty obvious he wasn’t playing his guitar) Centerfield here, but the Mick and Joltin’ Joe didn’t grace this park with their play. Don Larsen didn’t pitch a perfect game on this mound (though Danny Almonte probably did), and nobody hit three homeruns on three pitches in the World Series on this field, either. The history of Yankee Stadium that used to spook countless is now in some out-of-the-way museum on the 2nd deck in right field. Any type of home field advantage that came from a raucous 56,000+ fans is gone as well. The bleachers are practically in another zip code, and the guy sitting behind me even yelled at me for standing and clapping when there were two outs and CC had two strikes on some guy. The poor guy was obviously affected enough by Madoff to not be able to sit in the million-dollar luxury suites behind home plate.

We now have baseball’s case of “The Garden Syndrome.” For the non-basketball fans, it’s when an opposing player or team plays extra well against the Knicks because they realize they’re playing in Madison Square Garden on the biggest stage in the world. First invented by MJ and Reggie Miller, it has since been continued by LeBron and Kobe. Sure the Yankees have been susceptible to a few headstrong teams every now and again (‘04, ‘03, a couple of others that I can’t remember), but not nearly as often as the Knicks. The Knicks don’t have nearly as much history to scare opponents, but that was always the Yankees’ secret weapon. The ghosts, the championships, the hostile fans who threw batteries at Jim Rice and forced the NYPD’s riot squad onto the field in Game 6 of the ’04 ALCS are gone. They’re just distant memories.

We’re now just another team. We’ve mimicked our owner’s decline. George is still George, but he’s not the fiery shove-it-up-your-ass owner he once was. And we’re still the Yankees, we still wear the pinstripes, and our stadium is a direct reflection of our “let’s see how much money we can throw around” attitude. But this franchise is a shell of the World Series winning machine we’ve grown accustomed to since 1923. Call me pessimistic, but it's over.

Charting Base Hits at the New Stadium

This should help Joe position his defense more effectively.

New Projected Home Run Totals for 2009 Yankees

Mark Teixeira: 73
Alex Rodriguez: 63 (missed month)
Jorge Posada: 58
Nick Swisher: 56
Johnny Damon: 49
Hideki Matsui: 44 (miss second half)
Derek Jeter: 38
Robinson Cano: 37
Melky Cabrera: 31
Brett Gardner: 29
Jose Molina: 21
Cody Ransom: 19
Ramiro Pena: 12
Andy Pettitte: 3
CC Sabathia: 2
Billy Crystal: 1

Why so many ads about E.D. during Yank games?

From Jeffrey Goldberg of the Atlantic.

Erectile Dysfunction and the Yankees

20 Apr 2009 08:47 am

So I'm watching the Yankees play Cleveland yesterday (it was definitely fan interference on that Posada home run, in my humble opinion), and I leave the room for a minute, at a commercial.

When I come back, my eight-year-old son asks, "What's E.D.?"E.D., huh? Why do you want to know? He tells me he just saw a commercial for Niagara that promises help with E.D. "Niagara" gives me a way out: "E.D.," I explain, "is.... Earth Dissection. Waterfalls like Niagara are signs of geological dissection. The river is just going along and all of a sudden it drops over a cliff, like there was a sudden dissection of the earth."

"That's not what it is," he says, but the game starts up and I duck the subject for a while, until the next commercial break, which features a commercial for Levitra. Unbelievable. Does Broken-Johnson Syndrome afflict all Yankees' fans, or just most? I'm a pretty diehard Yankees supporter, but if this is the ultimate price, I would even pull for Boston. (Sorry about that one.)

Advertisers surely know their audiences, but is it really necessary during a day game to be assaulted by these commercials?


TO MR. GOLDBERG,

Capitalism is not pretty. Neither is the Yankee bullpen.

To answer your naive question simply: Yes, goddammot, we need those 30-second stiffy-pill commercials.

Next time your son what E.D. stands for, say:

"E.D. stands for Extra Defense, which is what the Yanks bought last winter in the form of Mark Teixeira, CC Sabathia and AJ Burnett. The money that come from E.D. helps summon the blood of currency to Yankee bats. That's why we can afford a brand new spanking stadium and have the 174th Fighter Squadron from Syracuse fly overhead.

"Now, go play, and later I'll tell you about the giant condom that the Tampa Bay Rays play their games inside."

Meteorologists, Mother Nature: "New Stadium Sucks!"

Accuweather's Gina Cherundolo is on the case!