An Oscar-winning solution to the Empty-Seats-Behind-Home-Plate Problem

Today, well-bred kings of the Steinbrenner braintrust are racking their brains over an issue that threatens the entire Yankiverse.

Hal and Hank Steinbrenner have watched empty seats behind home plate with the kind of stunned expressions last seen on George Bush while flying over New Orleans, or -- for senior readers -- Lucille Ball, while hovering over a conveyor belt full of moving chocolates.

They have realized that, "If you build it -- but charge $2,500 a game -- they won't come."

Yet a solution exists in a polar opposite part of the world: Hollywood.

Every year at the Academy Awards, nominees and presenters occupy front row seats, awaiting their moments of global simulated oral sex. After they leave to powder their nostrils, young male and female body doubles -- appropriately outfitted, with toned physicalities -- glide into their empty spaces. The crowd looks full, happy and lathered with imminent sex.

Nobody fears unsold Oscar tickets on StubHub.

Therefore, Team Levine must:

1. Establish an Emergency Seat Hottie Corps of physically appealing twentysomethings who will dress in skimpy, Yankee-logoed garments. They will remain on call 24/7 to fill the void, much in the manner of Cody Ransom holding 3B.

2. The Emergency Seat Hottie Corps will be trained in the art of taunt, obscenity, face-paint, power barf and fist-fight. Thus, they shall set an example for others.

3. In certain situations, such as a Jose Veras meltdown, the Emergency Seat Hottie will remove her top and bounce onto the playing field, stopping action while the bullpen gets to work.

4. The Emergency Seat Hottie Corps will speak at schools and do good deeds on behalf of the Yankees. While players hone their strokes, the Emergency Seat Hottie Corps will tour hospitals, speak at business lunches, appear at baseball card conventions and -- most importantly -- sign pre-game autographs.

5. Two secondary commando units will be formed:

The Emergency Steakhouse Obese Rich Asshole Corps and the Emergency Hard Rock Cafe 1980s Drunk Stoner Corps.

Problem solved.