Uhm, excuse us, Mr. Hank, but...

Last we looked, well, we don't have a firstbaseman.

We let Andy walk and haven't resigned Doug, so that leaves these options:

1. Jason Giambi, who was too chubby to handle it last year. How many players return to the field successfully after two years of DHing?

2. Eric Duncan, the veteran star of the future. If we hadn't moved our Triple A affiliate to Scranton last year, he could be President of the Columbus City Board of Education.

3. Juan Miranda, the burly Cuban mystery. He might be 24. Or he might have dated Carmen Miranda.

4. The comedy team of Hideki Matsui and Johnny Damon, assuming they can borrow somebody's firstbase mitt.

5. Wilson Betemit, Shelley Duncan, the touring cast of "Cats," and whatever candidates get eliminated in Iowa.

Who's on first?