The Bill O'Reilly Baseball Abstract: NL Projections

NL EAST: Mets
"New York Times or not, I do love this team. I love this manager, Willie Randolph. He's a black man, you know. Not that it matters. And you wouldn't even know it, if you go into to the dugout. I went in one night. It was great. There wasn't one person, not one, who was screaming, 'M-Fer, I want more at bats!' I mean, it was like going into an Italian-run team."

NL CENTRAL: Brewers
"I like this club, but I'm not sure about Cecil's kid, Prince Fielder, being a vegetarian. He wants us to be kind to animals? What the hell for? Face it. Animals hate us. All our meats hate us. Cows, pigs, veal - despite everything we do for them, they hate us. If Fielder thinks he's going to get friendship from a chicken, forget it. But I like their pitching."

NL WEST: Dodgers
"Normally, I don't do Tinsel Town, because they just want to rip the President. If anybody put a manger scene outside Dodger Stadium, they'd want Dakota Fanning in the crib. But Joe Torre will change things. He was there on 9/11. He was there with Rudy Giuliani. He was there with George Bush. He was there with me. We were all there. And he's there to win."

WILDCARD: Giants. "Last year, I told the citizens of San Francisco, 'OK, listen, it's a free country, and the U.S. Constitution gives you the right to root for morons. You want Barry Bonds in your lineup, you won't get a nickel of my ticket money. If Joe Torre's team comes through here and blows you up, too bad. You're off my list.' Well, Bonds is gone. They got my message."