AJ suspended? Lesson learned? Bean first

Yesterday, Commissioner Hairpiece suspended AJ Burnett for protecting teammates, after Mark Teixiera absorbed two plunks from the sore-losers of Texas.

AJ did what every MLB pitcher does in such situations: Remind the opposition that throwing at your team brings consequences.

Here's what happens next: We appeal, they drop it to five games, and AJ misses one start.

Meanwhile, the original guy who beaned Teixiera -- Vincente Padilla -- skates.

Vincente is fined $750, the cost of his next lapdance.

Thank you, Bud Selig, for cracking down on headhunters. What a perfect policy! Let the offender off the hook, then drill the guy who actually tried to police the situation.

Here's the reality: If AJ doesn't shave Texas, serial bums like Padilla bean more hitters, because their teammates won't have to worry.

In fact, when colleagues recognize there will be retaliation, thumbtacks start appearing in cletes, and messages get delivered, in-house.

I say, screw the appeal.

Let's tell the Used Car King to increase Burnett's suspension to 7 games, which won't affect anything anyway. That way, we acrue a game. If we save enough, by Sept. 1, we can pull a Dock Ellis and hit the first five Rangers, free of charge. The Vincente Padilla lapdance award.

Because this is the message from the former Czar of Cars.

Be first to bean.

What a joke.