1. Arod is hurt worse than anyone has reported.
2. Matsui is done.
3. Another trade is imminent, one that will make sense.
4. Hinkse's name and phone number was found in Theo Epstein's wallet.
5. In deals, the Pirates are mind-manipulating Svengalis.
6. Hinske, vanguard of the Yankee youth movement, can pinch run, field every position and play flawless shortstop.
7. John needed a new home run call: A slamski! For Hinske!
8. Anybody see who Jennifer Steinbrenner has been dating lately?
9. It's like that bad guy in "The Warriors, the one who clacks the soda bottles together, when asked why he killed the gang leader, responds: "NO REEEEEASON."
10. Last year's Nady/Marte trade was such a incredible success that Cashman felt compelled to attempt an encore.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
1. Arod is hurt worse than anyone has reported.
OK, disclaimer: Yes, they know more than I. Yes, this may be part of a broader plan. Yes, they didn't surrender front-tier studs.
But every July, baseball passes around Eric Hinske like a plate of bad clams. He is the sport's version of Calvin Trillin's Christmas fruitcake
We gave up two 23-year-old prospects for him. One was the guy we traded Chase Wright to get, and at the time, we congratulated ourselves for being so smart. So which is it: The guy's a bum? Or did we just give up a future major leaguer for Eric Hinske?
Hinske was unhappy about riding the bench in Pittsburgh.
He should talk to Shelley Duncan.
If this were Wall Street, it would be called churning. Does Cashman get a sales commission on these?
At yesterday's sentencing of Bernie Madoff, victims' spokesman Bert Ross had a chance to sit down with Voice of the Yankees, John Sterling. Topics included Satan, trust and first-pitch strikes.
Dear Madam or Sir,
As you know, the next few weeks launch the annual Major League Baseball Midseason Bum Dump.
Soon, Arizona and Cleveland will demand huge packages from us in return for middling players, whom they will then ship to our competitors for much less. They appease their fan base by snubbing the big bad Yankees.
This year, please, tell them to shove it.
Need relievers? Call Scranton. Zach Greinke. Mark Melancon. Edwar. Jonathan. That guy, Bush. Every one of them has as a good a chance of pitching well in August than some shopped-around 30-year-old who's had a good first-half, and whose arm is about go Xavier Nady.
Remember Jay Witasik? Unhittable... before we got him. NEVER FORGET JAY WITASIK.
Felix Heredia? Gabe White? Alan Embree? We need guys on the way up, not guys on the way down.
Need a hitter? Call Scranton.
Sheesh, if you overlook Shelley Duncan, why bother to have a Triple A franchise? We know he can hit. We saw him do it. He's got energy. He's got pride. He fought for Francisco Cervelli, and WE WILL NEVER FORGET!
Bring 'em up. BRING HIM UP. BRING HIM UP!
NO BAD TRADES... EVEN IF IT MEANS NO TRADES AT ALL.
Today's Drudge Report has yet another publicity still of Sasha Baron Cohen, aka Borat and Bruno.
Considering the number of times Drudge has spotlighted those pictures, you'd almost think Fox News' favorite blogger has a thing for the man.
Monday, June 29, 2009
At midnight tonight, Bronx time, IT IS HIGH bloggers and commenters will launch a 24-hour content-stoppage to protest irregularities in this month's Yankee Employee Of The Month election. The strikers' legitimate concerns center on a hasty, perfunctory nominating process further marred by an escalating series of abuses.
- On Saturday, El Duque solicited nominations.
- That evening, before voters had time to deliberate, he mounted the poll, ignoring most of the few nominations he had collected.
- An immediate and fierce call for a truly representative poll led Duque to post misleading, "anonymous" comments that bear his unmistakably ragged prose style, and--as if those sock-puppet comments weren't travesty enough-- at least one false news story.
- Someone keeps moving the strike notice down the sidebar. Suspicion centers on Duque himself, acting alone.
We're undefeated since America's great celebrities began dropping like drives at the warning track off the bat of Bobby Abreu.
For us, today is a travel day. But Death never takes a travel day.
Can we keep the streak alive?
Maybe Gale Storm is the answer. She was the star of "My Little Margie" and later "The Gale Storm Show." She died over the weekend. The obit appears today.
Also, Fred Travalena -- the man of the 1,000 faces -- has checked out.
I vaguely remember Gale Storm. It saddens me to hear of her death. She was a great actress and comedienne. We are all lessened by her absence.
And Fred Travalena did so many great impressions. This is a tragic loss for comedy. He was a very funny and talented man.
There! Are you happy, Death? Two more wins? Can we keep the streak alive?
Kissing the rings?
For years, this guy has claimed to be a Yankee fan.
They must be laughing in the Kremlin today.
But at least we now know who wears the secret ketchup underwear.
IN RESPONSE TO INEQUITIES IN THIS MONTH'S YANKEE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH ELECTION, I AM CALLING ON ALL IT IS HIGH POSTERS AND COMMENTERS TO REFRAIN FROM PARTICIPATING IN THIS BLOG ON TUESDAY, JUNE 30.
FIGHT FOR DEMOCRACY.
IF EL DUQUE THINKS HE CAN DO THIS ALONE, LET HIM TRY.
YANKEE FANS UNITED
WILL NEVER BE DIVIDED
STRIKE TUESDAY JUNE 30
To those of you scoring at home...
Last June, we went into the Subway Series riding high (relatively speaking, because the whole year sucked), knowing Carlos Delgato was done, Willie was crucified and the Mets were lambs. Well, Carlos woke up and smelled our coffee, much in the way Big Papi did earlier this month.
They pulled together; we fell apart.
This year, we were done entering this Subway Series. If not for Castillo, we'd have lost the first series. We bailed out against the Nats, cried through Atlanta -- then woke up, courtesy of our mortal backyard enemies.
Karma? We'll take it.
Robbie Cano is useless with the bases loaded.
It's sad that we would describe a 5.47-second John Sterling WinWarble as a positive event. Last year, the Master repeatedly nailed 6.00 seconds on the Warbletron, and the team didn't even make the playoffs.
But after a month-long slump, John last night warbled over the Fran Healy (5.00) line to signify a restoration of confidence in the basic fabric of the known Yankiverse.
Will it last? People ask us this all the time. But these things, like baseball, simply cannot be predicted. No matter who you are, YOU CANNOT PREDICT WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN WITH A WINWARBLE.
Last August, following a victory over Boston, John came within a throat-hair of 8.00 seconds -- something humankind may never hear.
We're no longer wondering if we will ever get that magical, mythical 8.00.
Can John get back to 6?
Four celebrities dead. Four wins.
Let's face it: We all feel like Seymour in "Little Shop of Horrors." To keep winning, we may have to keep feeding our beloved stars of stage and screen to the giant Pinstripe Fly Trap in the basement.
DISCLAIMER: We do not advocate that Yank fans go out and kill celebrities!
But hey, you don't change underwear during a winning streak. If somebody happened to be driving, and they saw a middlng celeb -- say, a former member of a boy band or something -- standing in a crosswalk, well, think of Billy Martin.
He loved the hit-and-run.
SIDE NOTE: Should we start rating Cable TV Celebrity Death Warbles?
Ed McMahon received (estimation) about 20 minutes, memories and obit.
Farrah got a couple hours of memories, obit and thoughtful analysis by cultural experts and those who loved her.
Jacko consumed three days, 24-7, Jerry Lewis Telethon-style coverage, with the sure-to-come conspiracy theories, tearful TV memory concert and hit song. We're talking weeks, months, years.
Billy Mays generated more than Ed, because cable was warmed up and hungry. Also, people at first probably thought it was Willie Mays. Were it Willie... he'd hit Farrah Territory.
Now... four wins, four deaths... who must die?
Not to get all Mike Kekich-Fritz Peterson here, but if Jose (age 20) and JH (60) swapped the misses, then everyone would be a little closer in age and it wouldn't be so creepy (Jose's wife is 43, JH's is 30).
Since Jose's wife has had a brush with the law, he may have to throw in some future considerations, but Theo can work out the deal.
To put it in Bill James-talk: The Couple's WHAR (wife-husband age ratios) are out of whack at 2.00/2.15, and a deal would benefit both sides by bringing the ratios to about 1.39/1.50, closer to the OSAD (optimum standard age deviation).
Just sayin' ....
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Luis Castillo has taken a firm lead in the quest for June Yankee Employee of the Month.
Voters are urged to cast their ballots in this important exercise in democracy.
Don't forget to vote! The choice is yours!
I ain't sayin' bring 'em up, because we don't necessarily have room. But trade them, sell them, or -- yeah, bring 'em up. What the hell. We can't let them die in the Scranton coal mine.
1. Shelley Duncan. He's Babe Ruthing the International League. Last year, he got screwed. After a great spring training, he started ice cold (like, ahem, many), got demoted for a weekend, hurt his shoulder -- and has never rated a phone call since. He was our Nick Swisher before Nick Swisher. The guy can hit. He needs a shot at a MLB career. We owe it to him.
2. Kei Igawa. Altogether now: let's whip him some more. Why, the nerve of him -- accepting all that money! Of course, when his own pitching coach suckers him in print, I guess it's over. He's about to become the all-time Scranton-Wilkes Barre franchise win leader. Spare him that ignominity. Let him go. What are we afraid of... that he'll actually pitch well for somebody else?
3. Zach Kroencke. I can't believe how close we came to losing this guy. We left him (and Ivan Nova) unprotected last December -- while keeping the Baggetts, Jacksons, Hackers, et al -- and he (they) got snapped up in the draft. (Who evaluates our talent, anyway, Whitey Fraud?) Fortunately, they returned him. His ERA at Scranton: 1.14. Bring him up, next chance we get. Supreme Leader should stop trying to show how smart he was by signing Edwar Ramirez and trading for Jonathan Albadelejo. (For Tyler Clippard, who is now up with the Nats.)
"Baseball may be 90 percent half-mental, and Yogi Berra might have cut his pizzas into six slices because he could not eat eight, but at least one major league ballplayer understands and digs the physics of his sport — equal and opposite reactions notwithstanding."
Times' Alan Schwarz, on Rockies pitcher Jeff Francis' rehab.
New Letterman joke: Sarah Palin attended a Boston Redsock game. During a break in the action, the team owner married her daughter
ANYTHING TO GET LAID DEPT:
Yesterday, Boston owner/tweater/investor John Henry finally married the golddigger.
He's 60. She's 30.
He's worth $860 million.
They met last year in a bar.
Among the guests was MLB's $18 million-per-year Commissioner, Bud Selig, who has a thing for signing 16-year-old Latino boys.
Behold... the most generous wedding photo ever taken.
El Duque, Dude, You've Already Posted The Yankee Of The Month Poll & It's Barely The 28th & The Discussion Wasn't Finished & I Am Seriously P.O'd.
Because I was out all day and THINKING about the matter --
As I SHOULD, and AS I SHOULD BE GIVEN TIME TO --
And I came to the rational, unavoidable conclusion that John Sterling, The Voice Of The Yankees, gave us another amazing month and deserves the chance to be the FIRST REPEAT YANKEE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH --
And then I came hone -- home, not hone, I'm so mad I can't even type words right -- to find that THE EFFING POLL HAD ALREADY BEEN POSTED WITHOUT EVEN LETTING MORE THAN HALF A DAY PASS AFTER THE COMMENCEMENT OF THE FRAUDULENT "NOMINATING PROCESS" --
I ASK EVERY HONORABLE YANKEE FAN TO JOIN ME IN DEMANDING THAT EL DUQUE NULLIFY THE VOTE AND RESTART THE POLL WITH VOICE OF THE NEW YORK YANKEES JOHN STERLING IN HIS RIGHTFUL PLACE AS A JUNE YANKEE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH NOMINEE.
Because this makes me fucking SICK.
WHO'S WITH ME?
Update: Plus, you ignored half the effing nominees nominated in the effing so-called nomination thread.
El Duque, the question needs asking:
WHO THE EFF DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
Once again, the Jeep-driven Voice of the Yankees last night warbled short.
You'd have expected John to crush one, after we beat Buffalo 5-0, but he grumbled what appeared to be a 4.65-second self-expression of loathing -- well below the Fran Healy Line of 5.00. It's John's third straight below-Healy WinWarble, and Brian Cashman must be wondering if we can expect Sterling to be hurling come August.
Has he lost it? Is he saving it? Perhaps it's the setting of Citi Field, which requires him to hurl directly into the ears of people who are practically copulating. But we have to start looking to the future.
Do we have a warbler in Scranton? Can Suzyn take a shot? Is Bob Gamere still alive? We gotta shake things up.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
You know the drill. And most of you probably know The Yankee Employee of the Month Curse.
The May 2009 vote shall remain forever mired in controversy, due to election tampering by SuperFrankenstein and the aptly named Whitey Fraud.
As a result, John Sterling won a disputed (and asterisked) election. And everyone paid the price.
Almost immediately, the Voice of the Yankees suffered one of the crowning gaffes of his career -- the A-bomb from Hideki Matsui. Moreover, as was prophesized, the entire team went into the pits, dropping from first place to four games behind Boston.
We must not let superstition outrank our love of purely rational thought.
At the same time, we should not venture blindly into alternative planes of karma, where the lurking primal forces of evil might not welcome us.
I say this:
Let's hold a Yankee Employee of the Month election without fear or regard for whatever gods out there have a boner against us.
Let's build something togethahhhh.
It starts with nominees...
Driven by Jeep.
Friday, June 26, 2009
He plans to sleep late tomorrow. He better get his game lungs back, because he's only beaten the Fran Healy line (5.00) once in the last seven days.
Instead of listening to the ballgame on the radio, tonight I will, perversely, watch it with the sound off. And I won't be near a computer. I will be near a bartender. So. If John and Suzyn say anything the rest of the world needs to hear, please leave it in the comments--along with (if possible) which half-inning they said it in, whose at-bat, etc. Or just talk about the game, or something.
Oh, and in honor of Derek's birthday, here's the flip.
Michael Jackson, King of Pop,
Didn't think he'd ever stop.
Planned a grand reunion tour,
Now it's called "The Jackson Four."
Farrah Fawcett, centerfold,
Who could think that she'd grow old?
Pictured in her underwear,
Poster girl for hospice care.
Ed McMahon, voice of the night,
Teamed with Johnny, all was right.
Carnack's answer: "Loyal Ed."
Question: "Name a guy who's dead."
Now we know the truth.
Andy Pettitte is not what he used to be.
Bruney needs 30 pitches to get two outs in humid weather.
Joba will become a decent starter just when the Yankees are ready to move him to the bullpen.
Phil Hughes is being saved for tonight, in case CC's arm joins Nady's arm.
The Yankee's need practice on those short, pop-ups to the outfield that Derek used to catch up to.
Brett needs a glove not made from ceramic.
If it wasn't for Tex's defense, we would lead the league in errors.
Brian got the only outfielder that the Pirates were giving away who is useless. After we pay for X's next arm surgery, he'll be a post 30 something free agent.
Jason Bay and that Atlanta guy will be all stars for years.
Lest we forget about Marte.....lest we forget.
The only professional organization who did worse in their 2009 draft was the NY Knicks.
I am going drinking for one week with people who eat hot peppers, love tequila and speak espanol.
See you on the Appalachian Trail.
It fell off last night in Syracuse.
Fortunately, it was grabbed by the Syracuse mascot, Scootch, and rushed to the nearby Simmons Institute of Mortuary Sciences , where it was stuffed and sold to the New York State Senate.
It will be used as a paddle in today's negotiations.
Nady will be added to the team's DH rotation.
Because we'd like to know, in case the audio is worth posting here. And if you can tell us roughly what inning they mentioned him in -- if at all -- our gratitude will be enormous, and might very well pay off for you some day.
We are stunned by the losses of Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson.
Each was a sacred member of the Yankiverse.
As Johnny Carson's loyal sidekick, Ed was our leadoff batter, getting on base, setting up hits, taking punch lines for the team and stealing bases... our great Mickey Rivers.
As icon of womanly perfection, Farrah illuminated the deepest recesses of our minds, sparking rallies, delivering big scores, and crushing balls like no others... much like the great Reggie Jackson.
As the King of Pop, Michael produced hit after hit, record after record... our Mattingly, our Mantle, our Munson... our Mel Hall.
This is the biggest celebrity culling since June 29-July 1, 2003, when Katherine Hepburn, Buddy Hackett and Herbie Mann died.
Who is next?
Thursday, June 25, 2009
I want to listen to Michael Jackson coverage.
Update: Mike Francesa breaks the news, as only he can.
Update 2: As Scooter said in '78 when told during a broadcast that Pope Paul VI died: "Well, that kind of puts a damper on even a Yankee win."
Update 3: I wrote a post about this video here.
Los Angeles _ The Academy Awards will break into four divisions next year, allowing 64 Oscar-nominees to compete head-to-head, the Motion Industry said Wednesday.
"Last year, we never saw Benjamin Button fight Iron Man," Academy President Sid "Shecky" Ganis told a news conference. "Next year, it's Transformers II against Inkheart, winner take all! Let's see Harry Potter with his shirt off. Let's see Meghan Fox take on all comers. This is how movies are supposed to select Oscar champions!"
Through eliminations, the 64-movie field will be whittled to eight, who will battle in the Oscar Octogon, Ganis said.
"I only wish we'd done this when 'Steel Magnolias' was still out," Ganis said. "I'm telling you, I'd have loved to see that cast go up against Jack Black's crazy team from 'Year One.'"
What a bummer.
In the third round of 2003, we drafted a kid from nowhere named Tim Battle, over whom Baseball America had raved. Ten tools. Great speed, great power, great arm, great head, great hair, etc., but he needed work. He hadn't played against tough competition. He signed immediately.
Then he was diagnosed with cancer.
George Steinbrenner issued a public statement of support. The Yankees mentioned him during pregame ceremonies. He missed a season, and when he finally returned, every minor league baseball blogger in captivity picked Tim Battle to have a breakout year.
Maybe that was a mistake.
He could run, hit a ball a mile, throw people out, cover ground, and -- to my knowledge -- deal with people. He had one affliction, and it wasn't cancer.
It was Reuben Rivera Disease.
He struck out all the time. They kept changing his swing. He kept striking out.
Yesterday, we released him. He must be 24.
So all you folks who want to hype the great Kelvin or Jesus or Austin or Dellin Watzizname... pffff. (Yes, I do it too.) Our list of disappointments -- like Pinnocio's nose -- just grew another inch. It's an uphill battle.
Nursing a sore elbow, John bellows a meager 4.75 second WinWarble over Atlanta.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Everybody, even the Orioles, can beat up on National League teams except for the Yankees, who are apparently worse than even National League teams.
When I think of the outfielders we could have had...
This Braves pitcher is scary.
"No one's hot. No one's hitting well."
"We are in a national malaise."
"You need the two-out hit."
"[Maybe possibly] This is the night the Yankees break out."
This Braves pitcher isn't God.
So they said.
Yes, it's come to this.
Yankee GM Brian Cashman told reporters Wednesday he had not talked to his offense "since about two weeks ago, maybe the Boston series?", and did not know where it went.
"I am being a GM today. I have not heard from my batters. I am...taking care of my pitchers," he said outside his Atlanta hotel before entering a liquor store.
UPDATE! (12:55 pm)
Yankee batters did did not spend the last two weeks hiking the Appalachian Trail -- as GM Brian Cashman first indicated -- but instead the offense was in Buenos Aires, Argentina, he told Cat Fancy.
In his late incarnations as a Yankee, Jason Giambi never enjoyed the kind of seasons he had while juicing. Fans appreciated his honesty, and they cheered his long struggle back to a serviceable level. But he was never the hitter he'd been while on the needle.
In fact, no player caught juicing has yet to produce the same numbers, after going cold turkey on hot sauce.
When Alex Rodriguez homered May 8 in his first at-bat after recovering from surgery, Baltimore fans gave him a standing ovation. That night, he seemed to be silencing any doubts about his greatness.
Now, we watch him move like Giambi, a ghost of the player we once knew.
Moreover, for two years, Yank fans have eyed an all-star batting order -- top to bottom -- as it tanks, lists and sinks. Nobody hits. Here we go again.
This year, the team has higher home run totals, because it plays in a bandbox.
But our so-called superstars don't look the same.
Are we a team in drug withdrawal?
Because we sure look like one.
Of Universal Health Care being in place, covering all citizens of the blue states, by the end of 2009, or the Yankees winning a series from anyone during the same time frame?
Cast your vote.
This is how I feel right now when sitting down to post.
I Thought The Problem Is, They're Streaky. Which Wouldn't Necessarily Be A Problem, In The End. But I Changed My Mind. The Problem Is...
...They can play the Mets. They can play the Braves. They can play the Marlins. They can even play the effing Nationals. But it doesn't matter who they play. Because when they look across the field...
They see Red Sox.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
BREAKING: John got trapped in an elevator for eight minutes and had to climb out. Suzyn had to climb stairs (!) from the basement to the broadcast booth, which is on the roof! So Atlanta's Hillbilly Stadium and its bullshit cracker "infrystructure" have J&S all flustered, breathless and freaked out, and their talking points are all mushed in together. But they sound something like:
- The Yankees have got to start winning some baseball games.Lowe's. Let's Build Something.... Togethaaah!
- They cannot keep losing series. Not if they want to stay in the pennant race.
- IF WANG SCREWS UP TONIGHT, THE YANKEES HAVE GOT TO CUT HIM LOOSE because John & Suzyn are THIS CLOSE TO FED UP.
- Something about the Yankees not being able to hit, ever. And would it kill A-Rod to get a hit?
UPDATE, BOTTOM 5: John & Suzyn now assert that tonight is not Wang's fault, because look at the team he has to play on.
When John Henry was a little baby, sittin' on his daddy's knee, he accessed his keyboard and he twittered on his phone and said...
But the Klapper sure buried it. Twenty feet below surface of today's fulmination lurks this tidbit.
It’s because Girardi knows his managerial career will be over if he gets fired by the Yankees. The team is feeling the angst over ticket sales — they failed to sell out the Subway Series and are urgently reminding fans that seats are available for the Red Sox series in August.
Record reader Steve Gigante, a season-ticket holder who is being solicited by the team, wrote, “At the old stadium, they did not have to e-mail me every business day to ask me if I wanted to buy tickets to the Yankees vs. the Red Sox.”
Can you imagine that?
As we know, nobody can predict what's going to happen in the game of baseball.
But throughout human history, the downfall of great empires and organizations is quite predictable. I can't help but feel that the replacement of Yankee Stadium will go down as one of the biggest boondoggles of our time.
The New York Mets Saturday transformed Citi Field into a veritable Bush Gardens, as the team hosted Fox Fan Night. On hand were some of the stars of Fox News Channel, including Gretchen Carlson, Brian Kilmeade and Steve Doocy.
Greta van Susteren gave a facelift to the usual dull proceedings by throwing out the first ball.
Other highlights of the evening:
1. Only righty pitchers allowed.
3. During 7th inning stretch, Glen Beck doused mock Planned Parenthood clinic with gasoline.
3. Commentators overruled umps' calls.
4. First 4,000 fans received courtesy teabags.
5. Mets' loss to Tampa blamed on Barack Obama.
6. Overhead predator drones harassed opposing outfielders.
7. Mets ball girls wore no jerseys.
8. All Latino players benched.
9. Sarah Palin and family attended; during a break in the action, Palin’s daughter was knocked-up by Arod. (Whoops! How'd that get in there? Sorrrrry.)
CORRECTION NO 9: Scoreboard listed visiting team as "Socialists."
10. Crowd chanted, "We want a terror strike!"
Monday, June 22, 2009
Embattled Yankee leader vows to continue protest, saying "Nady's revolution" shall be victorious.