Ladies and gentlemen...
The nominees are:
Kimberly Jones, utility voice!
John Sterling, WinMageddon!
Ian Kennedy, valiant comeback!
Joba Chamberlain, needs the work!
Jorge Posada, elbows of doom!
Shelley Duncan, the enforcer!
Derek Jeter, looooooooo, who?
Joe Girardi, mastermind!
Michael Kay, center stage with Emeril Lagasse!
Betsy Peluso, director of Human Resources!
Sonia Sotomayor, pitcher!
AS IF THE PLAYOFFS DEPENDED UPON IT.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Ladies and gentlemen...
Sept. 29, 2009
To the editor,
I think it’s completely outrageous that Baldwinsville teacher Peter Addabbo could suggest that 4th grader Nathan Johns turn his shirt inside out because he didn’t care for the team displayed. It is an absolutely deplorable example to set as an educator.
You would think a grown adult who works with children would know better than to have single our and bully a 9-year-old because he didn’t support the team.
I work hard to pay taxes that support people like Mr. Addabbo? Simply shameful.
Face it: John could have sleep-called last night's meaningless victory over the Royals, while watching Dancing With the Stars. (NOTE TO SELF: AFTER SEASON, MUST LEAD YANKIVERSE CAMPAIGN TO GET JOHN AS DANCING W/T STARS CONTESTANT) Next week, his calls will count. And yet...
And yet this consumate pro put his million dollar Janis Joplin chops on the line -- as he does every night -- pushing himself beyond the fundamental human capability of WinWarbling.
A 7.27 WinGasm, a WinMageddon, a WinWhatever. We are seeing a Master at work. (NOTE TO SELF: AFTER SEASON, MUST LEAD YANKIVERSE CAMPAIGN TO GET GUINESS BOOK CERTIFICATION FOR ALL-TIME WINWARBLE.)
Listen to this. Could you believe it is the Royals?
The genius of the Boston Dirt Dogs is the way they personify the slobberingly self-righteous id of the Redsock Nation, while pretending to parody it.
It might be that nobody can predict baseball, as a certain announcer tells us, but you sure can predict Redsock fans.
How the East Was Bought.
Ahhh, drink it in.
It's like hearing a cherished golden oldie, a trip down memory lane, a taste of the finest wine. It's like hearing Liza Minelli drunkenly sing "Over the Rainbow," between hiccups, after dedicating the song to the husband she beat with a phone. It's like watching a rerun of "My Mother the Car" and finding a teenage Bill Bixby playing a pizza delivery boy. Ahhhhh, what a treasure. The best things in life are free. Wait... that's not true!
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE BOUGHT.
Sept. 29, 2009
To the Editor:
The story Sept. 25 about Nate Johns, the 9-year-old boy whose teacher made him turn his Yankees T-shirt inside out, is not about sports or fans, it’s about terror and intimidation. I think the teacher believes if he makes an example of young Nate, he will have no more contamination of his pristine Red Sox world.
This 4th grade teacher, Peter Addabbo, should first publicly apologize in front of the entire school, to show him what intimidation and embarrassment are all about.
Secondly, he should be required to get counseling and more training on how to deal with children. Third, I believe young Nate should be transferred to another 4th grade class, because he won’t be able to trust or respect Peter Addabbo, for fear of further intimidation and reprisal.
Finally, the school could consider giving the teacher a couple weeks off with no pay to think about what he has done to Nate’s psyche. I get my expertise from raising three sons of my own.
While driving home Friday afternoon, I heard radio talk show host Jim Reith’s opinion about the so-called incident in the Baldwinsville school district involving a student being made to turn his Yankees T-shirt inside out.
On Sunday, I opened the Opinion section and read Ryan Roman’s offering on this subject. Thank you, young Mr. Roman, for giving us the correct perspective on this ridiculous “incident.”
Mr. Reith’s take was that 9-year-old boys are sensitive to things like this, and that something needed to be done to stop this teacher from scarring this child for life.
My opinion, like Mr. Roman’s, is that this is utter nonsense. The young man involved needed his parents to make him understand that it was just playful banter, not turn it into a media opportunity.
I was reminded by this of an incident I had with a young gym teacher when I was in 4th grade. You may recall his name, as he is the well-known lacrosse coach for Skaneateles, Ron Doctor. He had asked me to stop throwing my football around and I wouldn’t. He told me if I didn’t he would take the ball away. To make a long story short, I didn’t stop so he took the ball, as he said he would.
I was mad, to say the least, and told him I would tell my dad what he had done — to which Coach Doctor replied, go ahead and tell him. You still aren’t getting the ball back.
I went home and told my dad, but instead of him getting mad at Mr. Doctor, he disciplined me for not doing what I was told to do. It was a lesson I never forgot.
My parents used the incident to make me understand that I was supposed to conform to what my teachers wanted, not the other way around. Coach Doctor used the incident to show me that when I was in his class, he was the authority and I was not. Isn’t that the way a classroom environment should be?
By the way, Coach Doctor, if you read this, can I have my ball back now?
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Sept. 29, 2009
Sept. 29, 2009
To the Editor:
This is in reference to the Baldwinsville teacher and his T-shirt obsession.
In forcing 9-year-old Nathan Johns to reverse his Yankees T-shirt, Peter Addabbo has violated every professional and educational ethic in the book. He’s also guilty of censorship, bad taste, poor judgment and, most seriously, sending the wrong message to the rest of Nathan’s classmates and the entire school population.
Mr. Addabbo, did you think you were being clever? Did you think you were being cute? Did you think there would be no consequences to your juvenile pursuit?
The teacher needs to be reminded that his role, along with teaching a curriculum, is to provide constructive guidelines for behavior. He needs to grow up and act like a responsible adult, not cater to his own adolescent whims.
It would have been outstanding if Nathan had sought clarification or advice from the principal’s office, or perhaps from a favorite teacher. Instead, this 4th grader acted the good student and complied with Mr. Addabbo’s request.
The Baldwinsville school district must respond to this matter harshly. Otherwise, it will send the message that this kind of nonsense will be tolerated.
At least Nathan got some unexpected recognition, and a gift package from the New York Yankees.
Sayers of sooth pondered this omen, and prophets offered solutions. But the more that “Knobby” sought to herd his frantic emissions, the more waxen and leprous his tossings became...
One dusk, Knobby’s errant missile soared so far off course that it nearly slew the mother of Keith Obermann, son of Sevareid, while the matron held a baseline seat. So pocked with guilt was Knobby that the once-great Twin barely could see the outfield through his veil of tears...
The smoke has risen from the hollow halls of Rockland County.
Following the stunning news that our dear, close personal friend, mentor, wingman and confidante Pat Abrams is joining the redsock region press corpse, his replacement is literally being brought up from Scranton.
Welcome new Journal-News beat writer, Chad Jennings to the Yankeeerse!
LIVE FROM SCRANTON. You asked for it. You wanted it. You deserve it.
Streaming, steaming video of construction workers replacing the Mudpit of Moosic. Will there be a mooning? Coffee break fistfight? Will the foreman give a tongue-lashing? Enjoy the wacky hijinx of burly workmen -- LIVE LIVE LIVE -- from that mythical place that only exists somewhere between Scranton and Wilkes Barre.
First published here last month...
Just so it's said...
Teixiera is a god to me,
He needs to be the MVP.
But if he wins no Series ring,
He won't have won a goddamm thing.
This could be Jeter's finest year,
Best season in his great career.
But if he gains no Series ring,
It will not mean a goddamm thing.
I still recall Scott Brosius' clout,
To save us from our final out.
But we then took no Series ring.
It did not mean a goddamm thing.
We've shut down Papi, J.D. Drew,
Defeated Lester, Beckett, too,
But if there is no Series ring,
Those wins weren't worth a goddamm thing.
So hear now, loudly, autumn's call,
Which beckons to us, every fall:
"IF YOU DON'T WIN THAT SERIES RING,
"DON'T BOTHER COMING BACK NEXT SPRING!"
As noted Yankeeologist Dr. Albert Einstein once said, "Baby, de' chalkboard don't lie."
We are witnessing the classic playoff run, the tortured climb of Mount Utica, the 1,000-mile cattle drive to the gates of West Palm Beach, the march of the wooden soldier.
Only six times since July has John failed to beat his first half average. Twice, he used performance enhancing phrases -- once, to record a Boston series sweep with a 7.73 blast; and Sunday, with a pennant-clinching 11.58-second roll that is still being digested within the scholarly confines and digital laboratories of the Yankiverse.
It's hard to imagine that just three months ago, critics openly questioned whether John had the lungs to still call nine innings. A Taliban-run society might have pulled him from the Loews Broadcast Booth and hung his tongue from the centerfield scoreboard. No, he never did find a HR call for Jerry Hairston, who graciously chose not to hit home runs. But John has proven his doubters wrong.
This could be not only John's greatest season, but the greatest home team announcer season in history. He is the Lou Gehrig of Yankee voices. His love and admiration of Derek Jeter outshines Mel Allen's heartfelt lust for Mickey Mantle. But danger lurks: It was Mel who couldn't handle the staggering Yankee defeat of 1963, when the Drysdale-Koufax death machine cut down our boys, and Mel called in sick, unable to speak in the final innings of Game 4.
John survived the collapse of 2004. He can survive anything. It's written in the chart.
Monday, September 28, 2009
"Mostly, I’m looking forward to him playing on the Boston media team in our annual home-and-home baseball games,” Feinsand said. “If I have a chance to take him out with a hard slide, I’m doing it. Don’t be surprised to see Tyler Kepner put one in his ribs, either.”
Hard-working Yankeeolgists at the hoity-toity, too-glossy-for-the-catbox New York magazine have John's WinWarbs under the microscope. We formally dispute their 35-point scale: The man needs at least a 50-point scale, but - hey - they're asking essential questions.
Check out their take on the current WinWarble controversy:
"A Hall of Fame performance, really... Using our unscientific method of just listening, Sterling really outdid himself; his voice nearly gives out at the end of the word 'the.'
"We'd like to point out that, technically, "Eastern Division in 2009 over!" doesn't make sense. The division itself didn't cease to exist yesterday. None of the teams were disbanded until 2010 or anything."
1. Get out in front early! Don't fall behind! These guys will want to take us out with an early punch! Don't let em!
2. Flash some leather! De-fense! Let's show 'em who's boss!
3. Get in their faces! They wanna fight! Goddammot, we'll fight! We're not backing down to nobody! You hear, mutherfuggers? Nobody!
4. Swing the bat! You won't knock the pitcher out with the weapon on your shoulder! Dagnabbit, swing away!
5. Nobody play. Absolutely, no starter plays. Understand? No-bod-ee.
The question of whether John Sterling's tainted 11.58-second WinWarble is authentic has taken on a new wrinkle.
Through the miracle of digital technology, we have been able to take out the extra words in yesterday's WinWarble. HE STILL BLEW AN 8.13 SECOND WARBLE!
THAT'S AN ALL-TIME RECORD, 0.11 SECONDS OVER THE PREVIOUS MARK.
The question remains: IS THIS A VALID WARBLE? DOES IT COUNT IF HE TAKES AN EXTRA BREATH?
HERE IT IS...
1. Whichever team we play -- Detroit or Minnesota -- will have gone to the wire in a pennant race, and they will be hot. They will be the only post-season team that was playing hard at the end.
2. In a five-game series, the home field advantage is vastly overrated. You must play pivotal games 3 and 4 in their park. If you win at home and lose away, that means you go into Game 5 with their team surging.
3. Though Mariano got saves this weekend, he was tested each time, with game-tying runners in scoring position. The Redsocks were not intimidated.
4. If we face Detroit, it's Justin Verlander in Game 1 and possibly Game 4.
5. The football Giants are dominating. We never seem to play well when the Giants win.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
WINMAGEDDON: Using verbal enhancements, John hits incredible 11.58 second WinWarble, but will it stand?
New York, New York
These vagabond shoes, are longing to stray
New York, New York
I want to wake up in a city, that never sleeps
And find I'm A-number one
top of the list, king of the hill
These little town blues, are melting away
I'm gonna make a brand new start of it - in old New York
And if I can make it there, I'm gonna make it anywhere
It's up to you -
NEW YORK, NEW YORRRRRRRRK...
Since 1996, Jeter has just about seen and won every award imaginable . . . All-Star MVP, Rookie of the Year, World Series MVP. Many consider him the 2009 AL MVP, something that wrongly eluded him in 1999 and 2006. Toss in playoff appearances every year but 2008, and four World Series rings to possibly cap off a brilliant career. He recently passed Lou Gehrig as the all-time Yankees hit leader.
Teammates, foes, and ex-manager Joe Torre rave about the way he always carried himself on and off the field. He is always gracious in defeat and shows respect to all involved in this great game. Nothing should startle us anymore when big names are revealed about steroid and HGH usage, but one name that I am confident will never appear on the list is Jeter.
Jeter, not only a great clutch hitter, sure Hall of Famer and a player who even the most hard-core Yankees haters can honestly admit they had admired for his skill and personality, and could only dream of having a life of such success and humbleness to match.
September 25, 2009
In the end, the Yankees' manager got a bloody ear and pitcher Jesse Carlson got a purple welt on his forehead. When the team is doing really well, the last thing you want to see is fighting or arguing, it could lead to a suspension.
"The Red Sox, meanwhile, are using these final days to get some rest and tune up for the playoffs.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
He has to be saving himself for the clincher. It's like Joba on a pitch count. (But we know how THAT worked.)
Central New York Yankee fans sent a Post-Standard article about the fourth-grader to the Yankees Friday, said Robert Bernstein, manager of special events, alumni services and fan services for the Yankees. Other fans called the Yankees to see what the team could do, he said.
The team plans to send Nate a gift package. Bernstein declined to say what they would send, adding they would like it to be a surprise.
The Baldwinsville School District is looking into the complaint the family made about what they said happened in the classroom on Wednesday.
“We are investigating,” said Superintendent Jeanne Dangle Friday. “This is a personnel issue, and we will be following up and doing what’s appropriate after we get all the information.”
Friday, September 25, 2009
Varitek: "MLB Should Adopt San Marcos Youth Baseball-Softball Association Local Rule 12," Which Prohibits Leading Off And Steals
I also urge you to reject the dogma that a "curse" exists for such a distinction. We do not believe in curses. We do not believe in ghosts. We do not believe in the Loch Ness monster. We do not believe that for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows.
TO NOMINATE THE CANDIDATES
FOR YOUR SEPTEMBER
YANKEE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH.
OK, folks, the final 2009 script has been proofed and sent to the printers.
It stars the lovable Detroit Tigers, who are facing the evil villains from the East. Us. The bad guys. Yes, in the minds of Sports Illustrated readers everywhere, America's Cinderella Tigers -- representing The City that Money Forgot -- will face off against the ruthless Satans of Wall Street. Us.
You know who's really going to take this to heart? Joe Buck. Face it, folks. He is not going to give us any calls at home plate. A ball, outside? Sure looked like a strike. Ball the line? Foul. And God help us all if the umps make a mistake that helps Girardi's Germs of Pure Evil.
Face it, Yankiverse. We'll play the bad guys, the Snidely Whiplashes, the Magnetos, the Draculas who sucked CC Sabathia, AJ Burnett and Mark Teixtiera from the small market teams -- you know: California and Boston -- that sought to lovingly lowball them. By game three of the opening round, we'll be the most hated collection of masculinity since -- well -- the current Dallas Cowboys, (but that's an unfair comparison, because last time I checked, even George Steinbrenner hadn't come up with the idea of selling 30,000 tickets to people who can't even see the game, and then trying to woo them with cage dancers. Now THAT'S evil. But Sports Illustrated seemed to like it, didn't they?)
Expect an ugly post-season. And keep this in mind: We have one option: Win.
And the other kids made fun of Nathan Garrett all day for having an inside-out t-shirt. Plus, the teacher gets to display his stupid Red Sox stuff all over the classroom. It's not fair. Full story here.
Tonight, let's win one for Nathan and for free speech.
Ladies and gentlemen, start your forks.
Gather ye to the table, and fill your tumblers with spirits, because we're done playing with our succotash and jumping beans, we're not building any more replicas of Devil's Tower with our mashed potatoes, we're not pouring ketchup on any more goose-eggs, and we're no more crow...
Tonight, we fill our bellies with the butter-slabbed meat from our enemy's loins...
Tonight, we moisten our napkins with the clam broth that flows through our rival's bloodstem...
Tonight, New England lobster, with a side of Coby beef.
Tonight, our scantily clad waitress -- Terri -- will bend over our table as she fills our glass and takes our order from the laminated menu, while the mobile musician -- playing a yuke -- fills the air with kind words and melodies of yesteryear, pre-2004.
Tonight, we eat well.
Let the Orioles, Royals and the entire National League dine on pork and beans.
Tonight. Fill your plate. Tuck in your bib. Sharpen your steak knife. Bring your appetite. We eat fresh.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Leitch & Delessio -- the Lennon & McCartney of jockpop -- have turned their journalistic electron microscopes upon Rudimentary WinWarble Analysis.
They give us a nice bump but, sadly, are incorporating the outdated 35-point scale of Sterling WinWarble analysis, a protocol universally discredited last November at the International WinWarble Conference in Zurich.
Insert sigh. What can you say? Everybody recognizes the need for a more detailed analysis, at least a 50-point scale, in the Spinal Tapesque measurement of sound, but -- hey -- Old School is Old School, and everybody knows that these sportswriters, with their plaid pants, Glenn Beck haircuts and fanny packs -- and those are the females -- take shortcuts the way Paula Abdul takes Zolof.
Insert headshake. Grading Sterling on a 35-point scale? That's ridiculous. THE MASTER NEEDS AT LEAST A 50-POINT SCALE! At times, we shake our painted sticks at the media and ask, what is it thinking? A 35 point scale? WHAT IF HE GRADES 36?
Coming soon, this weekend, maybe tomorrow, the long-awaited STERLING INDEX for the season's second half. If the big-brain computer projections in Zurich were correct, The Master's post-All Star-break WinWarb average could land in the neighborhood of 660s, preparing him to shoot for the magical 700s -- WinGasm territory -- in the playoffs.
Nobody has ever scored back to back, belly to belly, WinGasms.
The Yankee Radio Network, driven by Jeep, might not be ready.
Thuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh end is near?
John's final regular season WinWarble in California explodes with heartfelt gusto, seemingly on its way to 7.00 seconds, then loses salt, as the diaphragm seems to give out. Still, we're hearing a solid, emo-Warb, 6.30 seconds, and the playoffs loom.
IN THE PLAYOFFS, WE WILL EXPECT 7.00PLUS WINGASMS.
For now, though, feel the joy...
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
OK, who out there predicted that Ian Kennedy would return from a spaghetti vein to become the Bridge to Mariano? Class? Anybody?
Because that's what happened today against the Anaheim Angels of California.
We just took two out of three from our nemesis.
And you know what means?
It means... TURN IT UP!
John experiences a mysterious paranormal sense that he has been in Anaheim before and watched a lead disappear
Spooky. Plus, he rhymes.
Doug, New Jersey is mad as hell! And he's not afraid to leave a comment to that effect on CNN's story about great Red Sox hero Curt Schilling forgetting to run for the Senate! I could try to paraphrase, but Doug says It All so much better than I ever could:
Wow. Just when you thought John Henry's blog couldn't satisfy more: "A Week in the Life of Executive Vice President Sam Kennedy"
He was right. Larry has assembled a team whose members know each other inside and out."
Last night's Warb clocked in at a Springsteenesque 6.46 seconds, followed by a comment from the Sterlbermench.
In another year, the clinching of the prestigious AL Wild Card would have prompted John to commemorate the moment within the Warb. Not this time. We are a team on a mission. He is a Voice, driven by Jeep, on a mission.
This Warb should be required listening to all Yankeeologists who someday seek to study Rudimentary Sterlingtonian Thought.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
So we get this guy, Freddy Guzman, and they say, "He's the next Dave Roberts!" And everybody's thinking, let's put him in and see if it's true...
... Because frankly, if he's the next Dave Roberts, he's a pinch runner who cannot be stopped. He's the guy who steals second when everybody knows he's going to run. And in the big series -- you know, like the one where Dave Roberts killed us? -- it sure would be nice to have a guy who can steal at any time.
So we get Freddy Guzman, who is supposed to Mr. Unstoppable on the basepaths, in early September, and I'm thinking, "I can't wait to see this guy steal second."
That was three weeks ago.
He hasn't tried. Not once.
Yeah, we do have Brett Gardner, but he might be in CF, which means if Jorge gets on in the 9th, well, could we have had the next Dave Roberts or not?