From the Book of Joe: The Resurrection of Brett the Gardner

Hear now the story of Brett, misbegotten son of Wills and Brock, brother to Chone Figgins and Bip Roberts, who was sent to toil in the field of Rondell White and Rickie Ledee, in the year of the Great Yankee Reclaimation of Freddy and Bartolo; for the story of Brett the Gardner is the One True Story of Easter Resurrection.

On the First Day, Joe appeared unto Brett and cried:

"Hear me, Gardner! Thou shalt lead my order and bring unto my kingdom the true craft of a merchant of speed. Thy mere presence on the paths of bases shalt boost seasonal numbers of Jeet and Tex, and faceless bloggers and writers of sport shalt extol thy virtues in a season of song and merriment."

And Brett said unto Joe:

"Verily. If thee commandeth it, then it shalt be so-eth."

But it was not so-eth.

By the Seventh Day, Joe appeared unto Brett and cried:

"Enough! Thou art pressing like Knoblauch in a windstorm. Thou art hitting like Juan Miranda in woman's clothing, and the Bloggers of Doom - Alphonso's troops - are comparing you to Johnny Dickwad. From now on, I shall platoon ye with Jones, the Smiling former Brave, and ye must wait for another chance of redemption."

And Brett said unto Joe:

"Verily. I truly do sucketh. But the Dickwad reference doth especially burn my flanks."

Then on the weekend of Easter, the brooding Army of Joe came unto a coastal territory occupied by the Baltimorians, a bitter, spiteful tribe best characterized by the HBO series, "The Wire," and Joe called unto his young fielder of outs.

"Hear me, Gardner. Ye hath entered the Yards of Camden, where everywhere we see leaves and debris, and the sayers of nay. Take thy rake, and prove thyself. Raketh, raketh, raketh, I sayeth!"

And so did it come to pass.

And for many years, Brett raked, and the bloggers of doom -- ye knows who ye art -- pretended they had never defouled his glorious Yankee name.


More from the Book of Joe: The Song of the Rocket
St. Tino, The Story of David, Knobiticis and Joba.