Saturday, December 31, 2011
Voting ends tonight. Meanwhile, take the Sexiest Yankee quiz:
"It aint over 'till it's..."
b) Miller Time!
"It's like (--) vu all over again."
"Nobody goes there anymore. It's..."
a) the lice.
b) the coming End of Times.
Friday, December 30, 2011
They had no money for Yu , the IRS, or any big name free agents (beyond the Gus Molina threshold)this winter. Supposedly, they're not even going to bid on the Cuban superstar, Human Centepedes, or the Japanese sensation, Hiroki Kuroda. Do they have money to eat? Are they selling their vinyl album collections ("Smoke on the Water," "We Built This City on Rock n' Roll") for sticks of wood that will heat their cookfires? Are the Yankee owners living hand to mouth in dirty hobo jungles, eating their former race horses and running from the billy clubs of marading cops like lice fleeing a flame?
Friends, this holiday season, when Yankee fans in North Korea are mourning the loss of Fearless Leader, let's try to keep Hank, Hal, Lonn and Levine in our hearts. Canned food might not seem like much, but when you consider the plate of beans that the Redsocks just traded to Oakland for Andrew Bailey, it can make a difference!
Friends, there is a time when basic concern over the human condition must trump all our hopes and dreams for the coming baseball season. And that time is now. The Yankee owners need your help.
Check the expiration dates and send canned food to:
Yankee Owners Relief Fund
East 161st Street
The Bronx, NYC 10451-2100
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Just months after sending Moamar Ghaddafi to his ultimate showers, Yankee fans are back in the international spotlight. Yesterday, the entire world saw a cuddly North Korean boy mourn the death of supreme pooh bah Kim Jung Il, while wearing a Yankee cap.
Did you notice it, Redsock fans? A Yankee cap. Not a Mets cap. Not Hello Kitty, Twilight: Breaking Dawn or even The X Factor. A Yankee cap.
The child is obviously of high intelligence and superior discipline, presented to the world as proof of North Korean progress. He looks respectful, thoughtful, wise - yet with a glint of revolutionary spirit and compassion - attributes commonly associated with Yankee fans.
Not a Cubs cap. A Yankee cap.
When the free world needed someone to plug Moamar G, it turned to Yankee fans. And now, the bridge to a future free and open North Korea taking shape - unfortunately, moreso than our rotation.
Some Yankees have it.
Some Yankees don't.
Yes, Lenn Sakata and Colter Bean - hot as they may have been as 15-year-old cabana boys - just didn't make the cut for the First Annual Sexiest Yankee Alive poll (or pole, get it? haha.)
Last we looked, John Sterling and Yogi Berra are leading the wolfpack in the Final Confrontation of pure, rampant, musk-scented, felony-grade Yankiness. The winner will be crowned Jan. 1.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Hilarity aside, the idea that Alex is dashing off to Germany, the land of lugers, to get his own re-spun blood squirted into a barking knee - based on the advice of famed microsurgeon Kobe Bryant - doesn't exactly inspire hope for 2012. Why?
a) His knee is bad enough to need it.
b) If A-Rod tries to frootch a fraulein, he'll get his bash bashed in.
c) If the German therapy worked, Bartolo Colon would have already tried it.
There is, however, one hopeful scenario:
The Russian KGB, seeking to plant a spy in America, will kidnap A-Rod and replace him with a younger, highly-trained lookalike. The secret agent will hit .290 with 30 home runs, and send back to his masters at the Kremlin detailed sketches of the great Jeet estate.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Jorge doesn't want to retire, God love'm. Who can blame him? For six months last year, the Yankee brass wouldn't let him catch; then injuries neutered us, so he donned the mask and did the job. For eight months, the writers buried his hitting; then he became our best bat in the playoffs. Remember the terrible night when Girardi batted him in a pitcher's slot? Jorge pulled himself from the lineup, then ate shit for a month, just to defuse the spat. Now, we tell him to take a hike, thanks for the memories, Georgie old pal, HEY LOOK, GUS MOLINA! Yeah, right.
Listen: Nobody worth keeping retires gracefully. The best ones leave clawing tiles off the floor. David Wells and David Cone - the bastards - signed with Boston. Bernie boycotted Old Timers Day. Even now, Roger Clemens is lifting weights, dreaming of his return. (Is Ricky Henderson still with Newark?) Nobody quits. The great ones believe in themselves, long after everybody says goodbye.
So Jorge is mulling offers. Well, here's a question for Mr. Cashman:
WTF, man? Does your phone work? Do we let a lifetime Yankee - perhaps the best managing prospect among the recent generation - go out as a Tampa Ray? Are there no coaching positions, announcing positions, Reggie Jackson positions - missionary positions - available for a Core Four member?
Yeesh, if the Yankees were Rutgers football, Jorge already would be on the payroll, handshaking the alumni. Come on, Yankees: This is not the retirement of David Justice. This is Jorge. Georgie needs justice. Make him an offer. Nobody wants him hitting for the Mets.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Friday, December 23, 2011
Che Selig and his tie-dyed, welfare-mob Noam Chomsky owner-cronies are slathering themselves in peanut oil, so they can run buck naked in the streets, glistening amid the light from burning U.S. flags, as they deliriously celebrate their illegal and unjust $13.9 million blood-luxury tax on the Yankees.
This horrible draconian crackdown has cowed the Steinbrothers - known to be meek and otherwise good-hearted fuckups - into accepting a winter where our greatest free agent acquisition is Gus Molina.
We have abdicated our seat of Yankee prominence, letting the Angels, Marlins and Rangers grab players and headlines that are rightfully ours. And now this:
We must pay the Madoff Mafia $13.9 million for its phony, flesh-peddling Ponzi scam?
No justice, no peace.
Fourteen million dollars? That's a year of Roy Oswalt. That's two bullpen arms. We should not pay blood money to MLB. Let's refuse. What can they do? Kick us out of the league?
Thursday, December 22, 2011
He saw Rick Rhoden in Pittsburgh and had to have him. So we traded Doug Drabek.
He saw Jeff Weaver in Detroit. Same story. We dealt away Ted Lilly and two others.
He saw Kevin Brown in LA. The itch returned. We traded three, including Jeff Weaver.
One rotten deal after another. Randy Johnson. Denny Nagle. Javy Vazquez. We traded future stars for those of other teams' past.
Not this time, though.
The Oakland A's go throw pitchers like nursing homes go through creamed corn, like Syracusans go through road salt, like Newt Gingrich goes through terminally ill wives: They squeeze out everything, then trade them before the rent comes due.
For Gonzalez, Oakland GM Billy Beane wanted Jesus Montero, Manny Baneulos and Dellin Betances. I would have punched him in the nose. Today, Cashman simply said no. We didn't trade the farm for a guy who's 26, going on 34.
Merry Christmas? I'll take it.
Simple. My “nine-nine-nine” plan will replace the current twelve-tier system with one flat verse. Everyone, regardless of income, will give nine drummers drumming, nine ladies dancing, and so on - down to nine partridges and nine pair trees – for nine days. That’s “nine-nine-nine,” from yours truly, “the ranger from a stranger manger!” (Applause)
Speaker Grinch, how would you save Christmas? (Shout from crowd, "LET IT DIE!" Applause.)
What a shame. All they wanted from us was Jesus Montero - near Jesus' birthday, no less - and a few young pitchers. Oh snap. Now, we can't make a horrible deal, unless the heavens part and God (or Oakland) allows us a chance to obtain the great and all-powerful Gio Gonzalez!
Wow. I know humankind has evolved, but really - did any of us ever imagine a chance to spake those words: Gio Gonzalez in a Yankee uniform. Why, it's a wonder the Internet doesn't crash, just thinking about it!
Listen: We've had Jesus since 16, when he was healing pitchers in Venezuela. To trade him now would be like reading a 400-page Agatha Christie novel until page 397, then throwing it away without learning who done it. We've raised the pup. We kept him through Cliff Lee and all those King Felix rumors. Did we really want to trade him for John Danks? Or Gio Gonzalez, (which is Latino for Jeff Weaver.)
Three shopping days until Christmas. Roy Oswalt, anybody? I don't care. BUT WE MUST NOT BETRAY JESUS ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
1. Yacht: Brother Hal can finally shed his wonky, Doogy Howser-in-prep-school image by purchasing the love boat of his dreams -- a Delaware-sized, traveling superfortress, featuring disco casino, sandy beach for volleyball, IMAX porn theater and "bungle room," modeled after the mattress-floored pit where the great Wilt Chamberlain served sexytime to 1,000 ladies. Price: 1 season of Yu Darvish.
2. Private island: Once the cannibals are replaced with drunk Swedes and the ex-cast of "Lost," a remote South Pacific Gilligan's atoll can serve as the ideal sanctuary for lump brother Hank to play Lord of the Flies and smoke imported Turkish cigarettes, which make him feel grownup. Tab: 1 year of Wilson.
3. Secretariat XI: Look for the Steinbros in 2012 to take their beloved Yankee fan base to the ultimate prize: the Kentucky Derby. Tab: 1 year of Prince Fielder.
4. Tasteful pyramid: Hey, we're not talking about one of those hideous monstrocities in Egypt; they're for kid despots and Dan Brown novels. But dammot, papa George deserves more than that North Korean dwarf with the Elvis hair. A 10-story solid gold memorial could stylishly overlook the White House. It would be cheaper in Tampa, closer to the slaves. Tab: 1 Pujols, 1 Darvish, 1 Fielder.
5. Divorce: At last! Hal and Hank can escape their earthly, marital Gitmos -- and become free billionaires, able to sire supermodels, Fox News anchors and congressional aides. Yes, they'll want five year deals. But at least nobody has to return calls to Scott Boras. Tab: 1 Arod, 1 Jeet, 1 Pujols, 1 CC.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
They might as well. The old New York Yankees seem happy to abdicate their responsibilities. After all, we satisfied our goals last year, right? We made the playoffs.
The Steinbrothers - lions of victory in 2008-09, when they signed CC, Tex and AJ - are doing their best imitation of Barack Obama. They stand back, avoid fights and seek to appease those owners that hate us. Of course, they hate us anyway. Whenever a free agent hits the market, they rant about the Yankees buying him. We hang back. They still point to us.
OK, Darvish is off the board. There remains the two Cuban outfielders - the 26-year-old human video, Human Centipedis, and the 19-year-old Jorge Somethingorother - who hit the market next month. After that, every decent pitcher will bring a huge price tag of human flesh.
When the A's decide to peddle Gio Gonzalez, they'll demand twice as much from us as everybody else. If we balk, they'll trade him to Boston for a burger and fries. That's how it's worked for 10 years: Offer him to the Yankees, and if they don't pay up, trade them to their opposition.
We had nothing to lose but money. We refused to spend it.
Final note, regarding Presidential analogy: Newt Gingrich could be the 2011 Redsocks of the GOP. Two weeks ago, he held a 10-game lead in the NL Central. Michele Bachmann had no hitting, Herman Cain pulled his groin, Rick Perry couldn't throw strikes, and Ron Paul only plays in Japan. Now Newt is sinking, and I'm not sure whether Mitt Romney has the pitching to win it all.
Monday, December 19, 2011
2. Hiroyuki smacked his first major league hit off right-hander Satoru Kanemura!
3. In 2004, Hiroyuki earned his pay: He played every inning of every game!
4. Shortstop Hiroyuki led the league in errors three straight years!
5. In 2008, Hiroyuki hit .331, losing the batting title to the always-tough outfielder Rick Short!
6. As a Seibu Lion, Hiroyuki wore uniform No. 3, succeeding the great SS and New York Met, Kazuo Matsui!
7. In 2008, Hiroyuki bore down and won a Gold Glove award!
8. Hiroyuki is known to hold the bat high over his head, like a Kendo fighter!
9. In the 2009 World Baseball Classic, Hiroyuki hit .364, leading the Japanese team, and driving in seven runs!
10. The Yankees won the rights to sign Hiroyuki with a bid of $2 million!
Sunday, December 18, 2011
December 11, 2011 Sunday
Friday, December 16, 2011
Let it be noted that on the day the Toronto Blue Jays outbidded all of baseball to win the rights to sign Yu Darvish, the celebrated New York Yankees resigned Gus Molina
The franchise that dumped Roy Halladay, AJ Burnett, Aaron Hill, Orlando Hudson, Vernon Wells, Eric Hinske, Alex Delgado, Chris Carpenter - didn't they own Celine Dion as a rookie? - outspent us for Yu Darvish.
It may be Christmastime, but it sure sounds like Easter.
Because all I hear is... cheeps.
So continues a winter that represents one of the great fiscal indiginities of modern Yankee times. In fact, the words I am about to type feel like the acid-blood in those Alien movies: They might burn directly through your computer and ruin the Internet, but here goes:
This winter, we were outbidded by the Marlins, and now, perhaps the Blue Jays.
What the...? The Blue Jays? you say. Who are they? According to Wikipedia, they play in Toronto and are members of the AL East. Did you know that they once had Doc Halladay and AJ Burnett? As soon as the contracts came due, they said "So long," which is Canadian for "So long." (Hey, Toronto fans, do you love watching Jose Bautista? Better take his picture!) According to the Secret Order of Gammonites, the Blue Jays submitted either the highest bid for Darvish, or at least a number higher than ours.
OK, I know what you're thinking: Cash will sit back and let the Marlins have Jose "Take me out so I can win the batting title" Reyes and the Blue Jays have Darvish, while we land next year's Freddy Garcia and Bartolo Colon. Great. If it works.
After Darvish, here's what the free agent landscape looks like: Prince Fielder (nope), Hirodi Kuroda (probably stays out west) and the two Cuban outfield sensations, Cespades - (have no place for him) - and the 19-year-old (ready in 2015.) The pitchers we want - Gio Gonzalez and John Danks - will have to come in a trade.
Remember Jeff "The Wrong Weaver" Weaver?
Remember Javier "Go ahead, Johnny Damon, try to hit this fastball!" Vazquez?
When we trade for that 25-28 year-old pitcher who is "just about to blossom into a star," we bundle up our farm system and deal it for a guy who has thrown 200 innings each of the last two years, and whose arm might be "just about to blossom into an MRI."
One deal like that... It is how the Yankees enter a dark void.
Well, I guess it doesn't matter now. Darvish seems to be gone. We came up a zero too light. We better put that zero on the offer to Kuroda. Otherwise, kiss Jesus goodbye.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Maybe the esteemed research team can do an empirical analysis comparing the consumption of fried chicken by players during ballgames to the measured decibel levels of bleats from their fans.
Is it true? Who knows? But I'm starting to speculate that the Steinbrothers have decided they do not want to be their dad - a decision with many good and bad ramifications.
I'm all for it, if it means we won't trade any more young Mark Melancons for those aging Ingrid Bergmans, because we always seem to have enough of them already, thank you. But it frightens me to think the Yankees - the mighty, high-spending team that values winning more that life itself - suddenly are collecting bottle deposits to fix that shower that drips. We are charging fans $500 a seat. That money needs to win games, fix drug tests and payoff local politicians - not to finance new boats for the Steinboys.
Listen: In 2009, the Yankees led the nation - briefly albeit - out of recesssion. We spent the house for CC Sabathia, Mark Teixiera and AJ Burnett. And it worked. We won the World Series. America seemed to rebound. But ever since, the Little Steins have pinched their nickels with the tenacity of scorpions squeezing the heads off red ants. Moreover, some trogdolytes in the Yankiverse now seem bent on judging players by the money they're paid - a dangerous, Kansas City-like mentality. Yesterday, I read some fool who wanted to compare AJ Burnett to Ed Whitson, as the worst free agent signing in our history. Folks, that is absolutely insane. We are starting to resemble the Christine O'Donnell wing of the Tea Party. Has Lyndon Larouche resurfaced to run Yankee blogs?
Sorry. Off topic there. But mark these words: The Redsocks will not stand pat. By spring, they will be vastly improved, and as much as we want to laugh at them now, they missed by an inch last year. They get to make deals that we cannot. Most GMs in baseball will only trade with the Yankees if it's a slam dunk. And those trade ideas blathered by the AJ-Burnett-is-Ed Whitson voices? You know... Nick Swisher and so-and-so for King Felix? They're from that other realm - Planet Speculation.
Yu Darvish would come to us with no cost, aside from money. Last time I looked, we have a shitload. Steinboys, you're charging $500 for a seat. You owe us more than Bartolo Colon and clam dip.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Boston traded Jed "Leadfeet" Lowrie and an inflatable car mannequin for Mark Melancon, their future closer and hopefully the lifetime symbol of the last late-summer trade the Yankees ever make for an aging bumbledorf.
But let's face reality: There was nothing Brian Cashman could have done to prevent today's trade other than go back two years in time and strangle Bergman with his bare hands. Had we made Houston an offer for Melancon, we all know what the Astros would have demanded: Jesus Montero, Dellin Betances, Manny Bannelos and an everyday starter, either Brett Gardner or Nick Swisher. Plus cash. And maybe the Cashman family puppy.
This is a bad day. A very bad day. Now, watch Boston sign Jimmy Rollins, peddle Marco Scutero for a middling starter, find themselves a rightfielder and dammit, they're back in business. They're like a rattlesnake in the road. It might look dead. But don't turn your back.
I don't like this, because it suggests the Yankees have become penny-pinching, Dickensonian grubs - when we're supposed to be the one team in American professional sports that would give Satan a no-trade clause, if it ensured a pennant. But here we are, sitting by our coal fire, counting our dubloons and cackling over the nickel bottle deposits we just took from the bottom of Bob Cratchit's couch.
A few weeks ago, we measured the gills of former first round pick Andrew Brackman and then pitched him back into Lake Selig. A few writers winked and said we were simply lowering his price. Yesterday, the Wee Willie Winkies proved wrong, because the 6'10" Brackman signed with Cinncinati - the club that once scored Josh Hamilton from the scrap heap, after another team soured on that former first-round dream.
Brackman was a bust. Couldn't throw strikes. I admit it. But he was our bust. He looked like a giant squid encased in ethyl alcohol, and if he ever calibrated those tentacles, he might be lights-out unhittable. Something tells me he will do just that - maybe around age 30. Won't matter. We let him go. To save money, I guess.
In my life, the Yankees always embodied the one earthly pleasure where I never had to sweat about money - where I was rich, where I never worried about a player contract, and come Christmas, there would always be a new star waiting under my tree. Now, we're pinching pennies.
I don't like this.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Yesterday, Publishers Weekly weighed in.
Juju, an “anecdotal science rooted in the theory that every living being has a cosmic purpose...,” can be applied to all sports, but Seely’s expertise is baseball. The Syracuse Post-Standard journalist’s affections are for the New York Yankees; he even accepts credit for being the reason “so many people hate the Yankees.” Seely, who was ironically spawned by a father with an “all-consuming hatred” of his son’s team, weaves his life as a Yankees fan with instructions on how to apply the rules in a fast-paced, hilarious fashion—at times touching, but never dull. Included are historical tidbits that only a true fan would know or care about. This rollicking exposition unveils a rabid fan who claims to have a “Jekyll/Hyde” complex with respect to the Yankees. There is no Jekyll or Hyde—there is only Seely, a true fan. (Apr.)
Life of Jeet (Continued): “He basically gave her the same gift twice because he’d forgotten hooking up with her the first time!”
Jeet's memory aint what it used to be.
Like all of us, el Capitan these days tends to forget names and faces of the supermodels and aerobics instructors he routinely sires. Hell, we've all known the feeling. They're like ground balls during infield practice: You scoop them up, hold them a second and then fire hard to first. At least Jeet maintains the good grace of having his driver pick them up at the front door, where a special courtesy gift basket of official Jeet memorabilia - hopefully spiced with fine Hickory Farms meats and cheeses - awaits.
Today, the value of one of those unopened Jeter gift baskets has increased by 500 percent.
I've waited 50 years for the New York Yankees to build a solid farm system and actually harvest it... instead of treating our young players like Pogs in a swap meet.
Today, we're on the verge of growing our own. So let's do it. Let's hold our cards and see what the hell happens.
Last week, news trickled from the Winter Meetings in Dallas that White Sox GM Kenny Williams tried to deal us pitcher John Danks in exchange for Jesus Montero, Manny Bannelos and Dellin Betances.
All I want in life is 10 feet of open space between myself and the next GM who insults us with such an offer.
Had I been there, as Williams flapped the flipper on his pig fat mouf, the nearest wall would have grown a tunnel. I call my left fist "Jeet" and my right fist "Mo." And nobody talks trashy deals without receiving a noodlegram from my forehead, "Claudell."
Hell, let Chicago trade Danks to Boston for a pocket comb and the lice that still clings to it. Next year, he's a free agent. Next year, if we want him, we'll buy him.
Then there's Oakland's Gio Gonzalez, who is Dellin Betances in two years. Why trade the 2013 Gio Gonzalez for the 2011 Dellin Betances? If GM Billy "Moneyballs" Beane wants to hang a Yankee scalp next to his Oscar, the hell with him. He can do Brad Pitt's laundry for a year, but he still won't catch a glimpse of Angelina Jolie - and he won't get Jesus Montero.
No trading youth, OK? No trades with nobody. Let's play the kids and see what happens. I've waited 50 years for a farm system. We have one. Let's use it. Let's grow our own.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Sign the Petition and Change the World: The great Sep. 28, 2011, loss to Tampa Bay must become a Yankees Classic
The walk-off 8-7 loss to Tampa Bay in 12 innings - eliminating the Boston Redsocks from the playoffs - provided the greatest single moment of the entire 2011 New York Yankee season. This golden event needs to be relived again and again and again.
Due to the YES Network's understandable policy of rebroadcasting only Yankee victories in its Yankee Classics series, true Pinstriped fans are being denied the opportunity to enjoy and honor this magnificent defeat in the privacy of their own homes.
We, the Yankee Classics Appreciation Consortium - a non-profit, all volunteer organization that seeks only world peace and maximum self-pleasurement through the use of Yankee Classics - hereby ask that the owners of YES present the game of Sept. 28, 2011, on Yankee Classics, even though the Yankees suffered a defeat at the hands of the Rays.
Furthermore, we ask that a second audio option be presented, allowing the true Yankee fan base to hear the golden voices of John Sterling and Suzyn Waldman call the action, mitigating the otherwise overwelming despair of re-experiencing a Yankee loss. Only through the prism of their truth, wisdom and streaming advertisements for New York Life - keeping your family safe and secured - can the implications of the defeat be not only understood... but savored.
AIR THE GAME ON YANKEE CLASSICS, YES MASTERS OF REPLAY REALITY!
WE, THE UNDERSIGNED, ARE STRONG ENOUGH TO TAKE IT!
AND WE CRAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO RELIVE THE ECSTACY OF THAT GRAND YANKEE DEFEAT.
Sign here. And here. And... here.!
Not the month for which you want to be honored, necessarily. But congratulations, anyway. And no reason to fear the IT IS HIGH curse. This time, it already came.