Pujols' Yankee ETA: 2016

Swimmin' pools, movie stars.

After five years in a Rally Monkey jersey, Albert will be so Californicated that his bat will fall off, and he'll beg to return to St. Louis. They won't take him back. They'll still be fuming, just as Jennifer Aniston remains angry about the way Brad Pitt treated her. Who can blame Jennifer/St. Louis? You'd be pissed too. He shows you the moon, hands you a ring, then trots off to Hollywood. So let's give him five years in Mellowellay.

By then, they'll be sick of his act. No matter what he does, it won't be enough. (See: Rodriguez, Alex) First year he hits .240, the LA Times will rip him, and Ford Frick McCarver will start ragging about his money, and how in the old days, the very next pitch would be in his ear.

So we know how it plays out: The Yankees are the MLB star retirement plan. It's like a drop of water making its way to the sea. Overpriced, long-term contracts end up in the Bronx.

So here's the Yankee lineup for 2016.

Write this down and put in safe place.

1b Albert Pujols

2b Derek Jeter

ss Troy Tulowitzki

3b Robinson Cano 

lf Carl Crawford

cf B.J. Upton

rf Ryan Braun

c Austin Romine

dh Jesus Montero