Saturday, January 9, 2016

The biggest football weekend of the year, and all we have are personal vendettas

Today starts NFL/NCAA Playoffs Weekend, the most violent 72-hours on the Gregorian calendar, and by far the most evil. (It's nice that the NCAA's "amateur" championship game nearly coincides with MLB's Hall of Fame vote; it gets the old hypocrisy juices flowing.) Ah, to hell with moralizing! Leave that for the Times. Today is for trench fighting, not hand-wringing over some wide-receiver's future memory loss. Gentlemen, start your stupors.

Once again, NY fans have no horse in this glue factory. The Giants, Jets and Bills - along with our most despised of nemeses, the Beagles and Jerry Jones Cowgirls - have gone into hibernation, and Bill Bilechick has a free week to figure out how to cheat. All we have is our pettiness. 

Here's my Bile Guide to the weekend.

Kansas City v. Houston: Who cares? Who are these teams? Seriously, who the fuck cares? Are the Royals playing? Does the Houston team really call itself the Texans? That is sooooo stupid. Maybe the Giants should change their name to the New Jersey New Yorkers? How about the Pittsburgh Pennsylvanians? Rent a movie.

Pittsburgh v. Cincinnati: Again, we should care? What's on the Kardashinan channel. Can somebody introduce them to Johnny Manzel?

Seattle v. Minnesota: This might be fun, because of the brutal weather. Minnesota! Outside! January! It's like Game of Thrones, when the Night's Watch goes beyond The Wall. Lots of gore. Bring it on.

Green Bay v. Washington: Might be enjoyable, because the lords of the NFL don't want the Redskins - (racist name, horrible owner, crap team) - advancing. Go D.C.!

Clemson v. Alabama: Two best teams playing. Someday, can we have the real Super Bowl? Let the NFL and NCAA champions duel. Don't laugh. Would you bet against Alabama?

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