Wednesday, January 13, 2016

This is the season, churn, churn, churn: Tyler Olsen and Ronald Terreyes are now Yankees

Yesterday, Brian Cashman made one of his signature roster tweak-a-doodles, elevating the 2016 Yankees - according to the precise measurements in his super-Cashmanic index - by 0.0003 millionth of a parsnet. All you need to know is that we traded a 27-year-old career minor leaguer for two players, who had just been punted-on by the Dodgers. Both are now on our 40-man roster, although that will change as soon as some other team jettisons a new slab of meat that registers on Cashman's nano beef-hood improvement scale.

Basically, while other teams look for an Upton or a Cespedes, we are picking through the scrap pile for parts to the 1977 Fridgidare. 

I do not mean to besmirch Tyler Olsen or Ronald Terreyes, either of whom might become a useful lugnut for the Scranton Railriders of Wilkes Barre in Moosic. Nor is this the right moment to whip on Cashman, who is merely doing what cash men do. Nope. I won't fall into that trap. The man behind this insufferable churning of humanity is, of course, Hal "I'm Not Cheap" Steinbrenner, the zombie heir, who sits a top the not only the scrap pile but the crap pile.

And on this wretched day in sports history - when the NFL has turned its hammy back on San Diego and St. Louis, cities that have gave their souls to football - it's a fine time to celebrate the achievements of professional team owners everywhere.

It's not that Hal is cheap. He isn't cheap. He spends more on ties than we do on mortgage payments. And it's not that Hal doesn't want to win. He certainly does. In fact, he would really, really be glad - tickled, practically! - if the Yankees somehow win the 2016 World Series. It would be a fun ride. And what a wonderful surprise! That would really make Hal oh-so happy. So, rest assured, Hal would like to win.  Let's be clear. Yes. Given the choice between winning or losing, Hal wants the former, not the latter.

He just doesn't want to have to spend too much money. Come on, folks, it doesn't grow on trees. Somebody must pay the bills. Do you know the greedy ushers want overtime in extra-inning games? And for what? Everybody's already been seated, and half the crowd has gone home! But it costs money, people - that's right: cabbage, lettuce, ska-mootz, dineros, cleeban, grommulosa, bagga-boomba. So, today, the Yankees picked the pile and found nickle deposits on Tyler Olsen and Ronald Terreyes. Welcome to the Yankiverse, Ty and Terr.

The Los Angeles Chargers... Can't write any more. I think I just threw up in my mouth.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Don't you realize that the NFL and World Wrestling are one and the same??
It won't be long until the Yankee President (played by Harpo Marx) will bring wrestling to the stadium.

Local Bargain Jerk said...


The Los Angeles Chargers... Can't write any more. I think I just threw up in my mouth.

Here is my proposal to restore order to the universe:

1) Rams move to LA (already done)

2) Chargers stay put in San Diego

3) Arizona Cardinals move to St. Louis and keep the same name and colors

4) Houston Texans rename themselves as the Houston Oilers and change their colors (including restoring the cool oil rig logo on their helmets)

5) Baltimore Ravens rename themselves as the Baltimore Colts and change their colors.

6) Indianapolis, Tennessee, and Arizona duke it out for the Titans and dress however they like and rename themselves to whatever they feel like (e.g., the Indianapolis Fast Foodies, Arizona Fence Climbers, Tennessee Who Really Carers, etc.). If this is too difficult, we could make use of the fact that there is no need for 3 football teams in the State of Florida. We could throw in the Jacksonville Jaguars and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and have a 5-city scrum for the 3 teams.

Regardless, once 1-5 are complete, we can all sleep at night.