Friday, May 10, 2019

Game of Thrones had "the Battle of the Bastards," MLB has the Yankees-Rays

Imagine this: The castoff, scrapheap Yankees - more a Mercury Space Capsule than a "functioning Death Star" - facing MLB's lowest, cheapest payroll... with the AL East at stake. The Hustle Bowl. The War of the Overachievers. The Night of the No-Names. Yanks v. Rays. 

But here's the catch: No matter what happens this weekend, the Yankees cannot lose. Seriously. 

With a shadow lineup comprised of place-holders, career minor leaguers and dead-enders, unless the team bus falls into a sinkhole filled with Burmese pythons, this is a mere proxy war. Cameron Maybin is not Aaron Judge. Mike Tauchman is not Giancarlo Stanton. Thairo Estrada is not Didi Gregorious. And Clint Frazier is not Aaron Hicks - wait a minute, check dat - he might just be better. And let's not compare Gio Urshela to Miguel Andujar. Not yet. 

Look at our lineup, and you see players that a year ago were dead soldiers left in the recycling bins. At least five current starters - Tauchman, Maybin, Estrada, Urshela and Luke Voit - were on the verge of selling car insurance. Frazier seemed headed down the "too bad about the injuries" path. Tyler Wade was a goner (and still may be) and most Yankee fans figured DJ LeMahiue was a rave artist into electronica. 

Meanwhile, the Rays are the Rays, MLB's most efficiently cut-throat franchise, a successful version of the Florida Marlins. They play in one of sports' worst venues - (by the third inning, Suzyn and John will be decrying the obnoxious sound effects that fill every empty moment) - in a city that leans to the NFL. They seem to do a cost-benefit analysis on every player. If by August 1 their team is stumbling, bet the house they'll peddle Tommy Pham or Blake Snell, or anybody who might someday cost them money - for whomever they can secure at the minimum wage. As usual, the Gammonites will applaud this plucky organizational grit, never questioning where all the money goes. 

Oh, and one more thing: They hate the Yankees with the heat of a trillion suns. Every February, they are chased down the Tamiami Trail to Port Charlotte, while the Yankees sit on their Iron Throne. Radio stations broadcast Yankee games. And this weekend, the stands will show their share of interlocking NYs - even as they are drowned out by vocal local yokels. 

If the Yankees lose all three - well, yes, that'll be ugly, and you better believe they'll hear gloom and doom from us. But really, the calls will simply be for Hicks, Judge and Stanton to get their asses back to NY. We have the cavalry warming up. And if we win a game... or two... or even three (as the Redsocks did when they visited)... Tampa will start frying in the summer heat, broiling within its own grease. The Yankees are playing the B-team. This is Tampa's best. If they lose, I sure would hate to be them.




13 comments:

TheWinWarblist said...

Mmmm ... Rays confit sounds delicious!



Fuckers!

JM said...

I don't care for skate. Too fishy.

TheWinWarblist said...

Oh. Oh. You mean the actual fish? I thought we were talking about Evan Longoria.

13bit said...

Let's not overlook one of America's great gustatory contributions to the global menu of ocean-based dishes - Filet 'o' Fish. It's kind of perfect, even if I know few here will dare admit it.

JM said...

Hate to say it, but German is a four-inning pitcher. After that the figure him out and he's done. He doesn't alter his approach and they kill him.

JM said...

The adventure known as Ottavino followed by the adventure known as El Chapo.

TheWinWarblist said...

Paashaah! Give it up for Gio!!

TheWinWarblist said...

Bity, I will eat the shit outta Fliet'O'Fish!

Anonymous said...

URSHEY!

HoraceClarke66 said...

"His name is Gio and he always wins the game
Oh Gio, Gio, we're so grateful that you came
He stoppeth everything they dare to hit way
And with his bat he bludgeons Tampa Bay."

With apologies to Duran Duran. Who, of course, should apologize to all of us.

Anonymous said...

Wow--Girly Man Warblist comes on awfully tough-sounding for a cross-dressing fag. You're overdoing it a bit, fairy boy.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Didn't see the game. But caught some of the highlights, and...OH that double-play!

Mr. Zero was more lucky than good, but we'll take it. The CollBull W/L is now12-13.

But the big question...why did Frazier leave the game?

Isiyku Abdulahi said...


I really want the world to know about this great man who brought back happiness into my life again after my husband left me and the kids 3 years ago for another women online when i contacted Dr Believe he cast a love spell for me within 48 hours my ex husband start calling me and begging for forgiveness for everything that have happened between us. I was so happy to have my family back together with love again here is the email of Dr Believe via believelovespelltemple@gmail.com a man with the great powers you can also call him or add him on Whats-app: +2348156148821
God bless you
I am very grateful for your help in my marriage.