Friday, May 24, 2019

Heresy! Blasphemy!

On October 31, 1517, a rather excitable monk named Martin Luther nailed his famous Ninety-Five Theses to the doors of All Saints Church in Wittenberg (and you think I'm long-winded!).

No, it wasn't some kind of Halloween trick-or-treat stunt.  Luther was attacking key elements of established Catholic doctrine, and the world would never be the same.  Welcome Protestant work ethic, restricted golf clubs, and drinking hard liquor as soon as the sun was over the yard arm.

In the same vein, Ma Boone—who henceforth shall be known as "Mad Monk Boone" (and no, it's nothing to do with the old Dodgers and Phillies hurler who surrendered The Mick's World Series grand salami).

What Boone did was to say—for publication!—that the key to the Yanks success was going from the third most strikeouts in the AL last year to only the 11th most this season:

"Contact is important; it matters.  It's something we talked about in spring training."

"We talk about controlling the strike zone over and over in the dugout," chimed in batting coach Marcus "Huldrych Zwingli" Thames.  "We talked about [it] in the spring and now in every meeting, before every series.  We keep stressing how important it is to get your pitch  We never stop having that conversation."

No doubt, those meetings are held deep in the catacombs of Yankee Stadium by torchlight, probably between the bones of Lou Gehrig and Earle Combes.

I'm sure there's some part of Pope Brian that would prefer to set up a lovely little auto-de-fé for the heretics somewhere near the pitcher's mound.  But the Pontiff is having too good a season himself to unleash the Inquisition.

Could it be the Reformation has arrived?  Yankees stealing bases, not trying to pull balls that can't be pulled, hitting into the yawning gaps left by shifts...Our season of miracles and wonders continues.






37 comments:

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Didn't Martin Luther get fed a Diet of Worms before that was all over?

Is Mad Monk Boone going to star in a sequel to Eraserhead?

Anonymous said...

This proves nothing except that Boone is giving encouragement to the team he has.

Now listen, you fucking moron: imagine a team made up entirely of Aaron Judges, and another team made up entirely of Urshelas or LeMahieus, with pitching and defense equal on both teams. Which team do you think would win more games, by a wide margin? Take your time.

TheWinWarblist said...

"Contact is important; it matters."

Boone said that?? Boone!? Stop fucking with me! How the fuck did he figure that out!? CONTACT MATTERS!??! DO TELL, MA, DO FUCKING TELL!!!


FUUUUCKKEERRRSSSS!!!!???

TheWinWarblist said...

"Contact is important; it matters."

That's the new headline for the blog right there.




Such fuckers.

13bit said...

Contact is overrated. Game face and cologne - that's what matters. Must be a slow weekend in Mudville.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Contact is important, but so is lubrication.

Local Bargain Jerk said...


Not resting a guy who's hot matters.

Anonymous said...

Why does Warplist think his periodic upchucks of psychopathy are amusing or necessary?

Anal-a-mouse said...

Hello, Pizza Pit? I'd like 15 Pepperoni Pies delivered to the hallal food hall. Make sure they have a lot of pepperoni, just like zit for brains face.

Carl J. Weitz said...

I'm not sure what Anal-a-mouse's point was but the good thing about ordering pepperoni pizza to be delivered to the Halal food hall is that even if the Pizza Pit screws up the delivery and sends it to the Hillel food hall by mistake the desired result is the same.

TheWinWarblist said...

That's true Rufus. Without lubricant, the contact could generate quite an uncomfortable amount of friction.

TheWinWarblist said...

And sometimes it rains.

13bit said...

If you're going to put your public face forward with the word "anal," then you're laying yourself wide open to any speculation, commentary or fetching leachate that seeps forth from the public sphincter.

Anonymous said...

A kindergarten class of retards is like an advanced calculus class compared to this collection of morons and psychopaths.

Anonymous said...

Hey, Warplist--you're the list authority on anal lubrication. Do tell, you twisted faggot.

Anonymous said...

Hey Warplist--all this anal stuff. Don't you find that so terribly OFFENSIVE and CALLOUS, Gay Boy? Aren't we all--aren't you--BETTER THAN THAT?

Hey Warplist and assorted sock puppets: We miss your boasts about your gas-guzzling, carbon-spewing automotive monstrosities while the sea levels rise and the planet burns. Aren't you BETTER THAN THAT, fag boy?

Anonymous said...

Hey, Warplist--what was that socipoathic gay-man toy you tool around in to compensate for your teeny weeny peeny? Are you quite proud of that in view of the following? You omnicidal piece of shit--don't care how much people suffer and die so you can drive a half mile to buy your montly supply of petroleum jelly in the vehicular equivalent of mass murder:

http://www.msnbc.com/velshi-ruhle/bill-nye-climate-change-its-not-50-75-years-away-its-10-or-15?fbclid=IwAR2gt47xG0nP44wGceFBpc59_MBn36lflK_SUsGmTuFGcYV759njUjUi9tc

Anonymous said...

Savor the irony: a desperately diseased, frothing, tormented fag spawns sock puppets to purvey a play on words involving "anal"--obviously his own favorite body part--in a masochistic attempt to salvage his dignity in the face of the withering moniker "Warplist." This is how a true psychopath obsesses and ruminates and fulminates: without surcease, in an orgy of psychological self-immolation on a meaningless blog.

YUCK, Warplist--get help!

Publius said...

Climate alarmism and gay bashing, two enthusiasms not usually considered complementary. But like making regular contact and swinging for the fences, they appear not be mutually exclusive.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Frankly, I am disappointed to see how quickly a discussion I attempted to initiate concerning the twists and turns of 16th century Christian theology degenerated into mere name-calling.

NAH! Just fuckin' with y'all!!

Love me some Warbler, who had the perfect response.

HoraceClarke66 said...

And hey, guess who is 1-6 on the year???

Give you a hint: his name rhymes with "Bail."

Heh-heh-heh.

Anonymous said...

Publius--Climate alarmism, you loathsome right-wing corporate tool? You can't even parse the meaning of OPS, much less advanced climate science.

https://www.vox.com/2018/10/8/17948832/climate-change-global-warming-un-ipcc-report

https://www.theguardian.com/environment/climate-consensus-97-per-cent/2016/apr/13/its-settled-90100-of-climate-experts-agree-on-human-caused-global-warming

Anonymous said...

HC66--Oh Warplist will love you some--right up your craggy, ancient rectum.

Really, HC 66--normally it takes a whole roomful of dumb people to be as stupid as you are.

Publius said...

Hmmm, let's see. Seems to me OPS shows how hot a hitter is at the dish. And advanced climate science shows how warm he is everywhere else. Right, anonymous?

TheWinWarblist said...

For the record, I don't have any sock puppets on any site and I only own one gas guzzler. I'm way too busy at work for nonsense such as sick puppetry. Also, the Porsches aren't gas guzzlers; they all get around 24 mph. We also have two hybrids, SUV and hatchback, that get around 40 mph. I will move to an all electric in the next couple of years, but I will never part with the V-series Cadillac. I love that car.

TheWinWarblist said...

And for the record, the word "fag" is a slur as hateful and bigoted as the n-word. Using such slurs marks you as a wretch not fit to be with decent people. Snivelling coward that you are.

TheWinWarblist said...

There are other things I've done that make my family carbon neutral if not negative. Planting trees. Letting 6 on my arces go back to meadow and forest. 15 thousand watts of photovoltaics on the garage. If you own your own home, definitely think about putting in a solar array. The ROI is 10%+ per year with an expected lifespan of 30-40 years. It improves the valve of the house and keeps putting money in your pocket year after year.

Anonymous said...

Shut up, Warplist. You're mentally stunted and emotionally diseased. No one gives a shit about your death-dealing carbon-spewing conveyance or what you do with your shriveled penis. And no one wants to hear your dementia-induced fantasies about your lifestyle or your royal domain. You're just SO BUSY that you fixate on salvaging your imaginary reputation on a baseball blog read by tens of people.

Get help, asshole.

TheWinWarblist said...

We wish it was read by tens of people!

You're such a pathetic ass, Puckered. I never lie. I have no reason to. Understand that my reality far surpasses your wildest dreams. Try redecorating your mom's basement. Or at least clean it. Air it out or something.

Tehehee!

Anonymous said...

Tehehee? You diseased fantasist? You think anyone here believes one syllable of your demented dribbling? Your "reality"? What's that? Begging for attention and ego gratification on a tiny blog? Only psychotic worms show such fretful anxiety about their image on the Internet. Only a staggeringly ignorant philistine believes that driving a 24 mpg has hog is a boon to fighting global warming rather than a CAUSE of it. It doesn't matter what the mpg of your delusional vehicle is--it's the CARBON it emits, MORON.

And you gleefully applaud fantasies about roasting other humans alive, and wish suffering, deformity, and even death on people who root for other athletic aggregations, and you're giving lessons on comity and eitquette, you damaged freak?

At best you're a fatuous suburban Babbit with no ambitions or spiritual aspirations--just regressed preadolescent fantasies about fulfillment through fancy cars and big lawns. Your inspiration in philosophy comes not from Socrates or Plato or Schelling or Kierkegaard but from Hugh Hefner. You're a debased specimen of crass American commercialism and know-nothingism--an ethical and spiritual void, endlessly tormented by your twisted and anguished sexual confusions. You belong in a maximum security psych ward--which is probably where you're typing from.

You know what will solve global warming? A world in which acquisitve, shallow, sociopathic pigs like you don't exist.

Publius said...

Wow. Mets fans from Park Slope are getting testier and testier.

TheWinWarblist said...

David Hume, actually.

TheWinWarblist said...

Puckered, you sound more and more like my mom.

Anonymous said...

You sound more and more like a callous, uneducated, spiritually stunted suburban dunce. That's your reality--your self-made hell.

Oh, gee. You can name one philosopher whose work bears no relevance to the climate emergency that is threatening to wipe out the human race in as little as fifty years thanks to idiotic Babbit pigs like you.

Fuck off, and burn in hell, asshole.

Anonymous said...

Hey, Warplist--you mother must be a climate scientist then. How did she bring a warped socipath like you into the world, one whose consumerist-lifestyle-philisitine-dullard reaction to his complicity in wiping out life on earth is frat-boy insouciance and frivolity? Whose idea of wit is crude adolescent cawing out of Animal House? Whose mind is a forced-replicant machine of advertising dreams and tropes, a mindless commercial-poisoned dead zone of labels and toxic fumes?

Louis Zukofsky captured your robotic suburban stupidity perfectly in these lines:

See every man in forced labor
Dawn only where suburbs are restricted
To people who take trains every morning,
Never the gentleness that can be
The hope of the common man, the eyes that love leaves
Any shade, thought or thing, that makes all man uncommon. . . .

You are really a dumb, debased piece of shit--among the lowest life forms on the planet--or what's left of it.

Publius said...

Or, hang on for as little as fifty more years and burn right here with the rest of us!

Publius said...

Zukofsky never did develop an off-speed pitch. Just heaters down the middle, every time. "A" ball stuff.