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Monday, August 2, 2021

HoraceClarke66: A Report from the Swamps: Cousin Dan the Gator Man Gives Us the Hot Skinny on Anthony Rizzo!

 

From the desk of HoraceClarke66... 

 I caught up to Cousin Dan where I usually find him, in one of the quieter coves of the Great Okefenokee swamp, just over the Florida border. 

Dan was hard at his regular work, which was tossing marshmallows to the local gators so tourists could snap selfies with them, and selling jugs of his homemade, patented “Gator Juice” bourbon. 

“Them Gatorade fellas was down here ag’in the other day, talkin’ all about copyright infringements,” Dan told me when I arrived.

“Oh, yeah? How’d you handle it?”

“Let’s just say we saved a lot on marshmallows that afternoon,” Dan said, scratching his scraggly red beard that made him a dead ringer for about a hundred ballplaying millionaires these days.


I asked him what he thought about Anthony Rizzo, who he had the pleasure of meeting at a rehab center, back when Dan’s idea to create a water-skiing alligator pyramid attraction went a tad haywire. For once cuz’s bourbon-twinkly blue eyes turned downright sober.

“Best man I ever met,” Cousin Dan told me. “He was a young fella, recovering from non-Hodgkins lymphoma. Went through the whole course a chemo, an’ was tryna get back into shape.”

“So he did all right?”

“Sure! Worked like a demon, but was also nice as peaches to everyone on hand. Asked them about themselves, encouraged them, worked with them—and had a great sense of humor as well.”

“Sounds like a real leader for the clubhouse.”

“But he’s more’n that. Look at his skills! Look at how he chokes up on the bat, an’ goes the other way when he needs to, even with all that power! Look at what a magician he is around the bag!”

“You sure he’s all that?”

“An’ more! Look at how he just shrugged off gettin’ hit in the hand by that young whippersnapper the other day! Look at how he ignored that terrible call by the ump! Why he’s a old-timey ballplayer, the sort we’re always sayin’ the Yankees need to get.”

“That’s very encouraging. But as I recall you said very upbeat things about Giancarlo Stanton and Gleyber Torres, as well.”

Cousin Dan fixed me with a look and meditated for a moment upon the giant armored lizards swarming under the dock just then.

“Hmm, you know them gators ain’t had their marshmallows yet today…All right, call me a sucker for that silver-tongued devil, Brian Cashman. But one more entry on Mr. Rizzo’s side of the ledger is that he always talked up The Gleyber and encouraged him when they was both in the Cubbies’ organization. Could be he’s just the man to turn that young pup around.”

“Could be, Cousin Dan, and it sure is nice to have a note of hope, at least, in this miserable season. I won’t take up any more of your time.”

Dan fixed me up with a jar of the good juice, the brand made with extra extract from the gators’ pituitary glands, and I made sure to slip a finniff in the Tallahassee Prosthetic Fingers Center collection jar on the way out.

82 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hilarious! I very much enjoyed reading this one. Next time you visit Cousin Dan the Gator Man, please take me with you. I'd love to go gator hunting with him, hopefully get a good 12 footer.

Rizzo looks like a very good player and a great pickup by the Brain. Have no idea about the guys we gave up for him, but Rizzo helped us win three in Miami. Without him, we might have been swept.

I've only seen Rizzo during the WS that the Cubs won back in 2016 (time sure flies). And when the Mets play the Cubs. I always thought he was a good player. Getting a touch long in the tooth now, so it was smart of the Cubs to unload him. I'm sure that they scouted our minor leaguers well and that they got the guys they really wanted.

I'm just waiting for an announcement that half the Yankee team has tested positive for coronavirus after carousing with Don Mattingly and 300 single, attractive, half naked Miami groupie girls.

The Hammer of God

TheWinWarblist said...

I love you all, especially you Hoss, and it was a wonderful piece. But Rizzo isn't the second coming of Jeter, left-handed to boot, or Teixeira or Tino Martinez or or or ...

All is lost. Lost, I say! The Rizzo is not the one to save it! Not the Rizzo! Not the Callo neither!

I am going to try to make you understand. Again. I will say this once more with feeling (Do I repeat myself? Very well then I repeat myself, (I am large [chubby really ed.], I contain monotony.)

Well, that was a load of pie in the sky pablum. You don't have to sugarcoat things for me. Just say it. These Yankees are terrible. They may need to be intubated and go to ICU. They will not survive the season, surely not. Hopefully they will have a comfortable and dignified passing. But I doubt it. I for one will be screaming at them, "Die already!! Die!! Die you miserable collection of thrombosed hemorrhoids!! Especially you Boone!! Especially you Cash!! Die!! Die already!! That goes triple for you Hal!!"

HoraceClarke66 said...

Can't wait to see what the lineup is tonight.

A sane one would have in it, somewhere, something like this:

Judge
Rizzo
Stanton
Gallo
Sanchez

You can bet Ma's won't.


ZacharyA said...

Today is the first time Gleyber is batting 8th since July 21, 2019.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Hoss, he came close and Man 'O Glass is actually in the outfield.

I just hope Mr. Heaney doesn't try to sell Mr. Douglas a bathtub. That didn't turn out well the first time.

HoraceClarke66 said...

I'll bite, Rufus (even if the gators won't). What's the reference?

JM said...

Wasn't Heany the cockeyed conman from Green Acres?

Something like that.

JM said...

Ah Rufus, ya beat me to the Mr. Haney reference. Damn.

JM said...

Fucking Gardner in center again. God damn Ma Boone.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0592725/characters/nm0125426

HoraceClarke66 said...

Yep.

Struggling new pitcher you're trying to turn around, so:

—You take Judge out of the lineup, and put Giancarlo in right, where he last played in 2019. Check.

—Tyler Wade has just played his greatest game in the field probably ever—so you have Odor play third for the first time in the majors. Check.

—You put Brett Gardner in center, no matter what. Check.

Yep, Aaron Boone is back in the dugout!

Rufus T. Firefly said...

The Master sounds like he has a cold.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Meanwhile, the YES soundmen manage to botch the reception for Rizzo's first at-bat. Nice job there.

HoraceClarke66 said...

All right, enough. Stanton is hurt. Time to deal with it.

JM said...

Judge DH tonight.

Anonymous Bosch said...

Drat! The Heaney Curse!

JM said...

Maybe we shoulda gone with Mr. Haney.

TheWinWarblist said...

Wow, this Heaney isn't good. He's not good at all.

DickAllen said...

Ummm...

Who is this guy pretending to be a pitcher?

And why is he still being allowed to throw gopher balls?

And what will he be doing for work tomorrow?

Celerino Sanchez said...

Aren't David Hale & Sergio Mitre available to sign?

Anonymous said...

How the hell is this guy still on the mound!!!!!! NOW Matt Blake comes out after he almost gives up a FIFTH HR?

WTF

Doug K.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

The Master just called him "Mr. Haney"

Celerino Sanchez said...

Another Cashman steal!

DickAllen said...

Oh, and NOW there’s somebody up

TheWinWarblist said...

Finally Ma Boone gets someone up in the bullpen. Wow, this Ma Boone isn't good either. Nope nope nope. Not good at all.

Anonymous said...

At this point they should put in Eb or Arnold the Pig

Doug K.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Shocking that this guy was on the trading block.

Anonymous said...

Maybe this jump start Gallo

Doug K.

TheWinWarblist said...

And Cashman too. How does this Heaney help things? Is this protecting the bullpen? Wow, this Cashman isn't good. Cashman isn't good at all. He's terrible. He sucks damp moose balls. Nope nope nope, Cashman is not good at all.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Eb could do better, not sure about Arnold.

That was a sno-cone catch. Could be 6-0.

Celerino Sanchez said...

Can Earnest & Julio Gallo pitch?, because clearly he can't hit

Anonymous said...

I'll bet Arnold could do a better job of managing. He could probably blow bubble gum bubbles too. Hell of a smart pig.

Doug K.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Arnold for manager!

Even a dead pig could do better than boonehead.

TheWinWarblist said...

The Master and Suzyn are reminiscing about David Weathers getting shelled in his first outing in 1996.

I remember David Weathers as a stout fellow with no neck and a big head. Useful player I guess, but The Master swears Weathers was one of the keys to the Yanks winning the 1996 WS. Despite only pitching 17.1 innings and having a dreadful ERA+ of 54.

You can't predict The Master's reminiscing.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

A fucking no-hitter. What happened to the amazing line-up?

Celerino Sanchez said...

Did they get Gallo to make Gardner feel better about himself?

DickAllen said...

Who the fuck in gods green acres is Joely Rodríguez?

Rufus T. Firefly said...

He's Arnold Ziffel's love child.

Sleep with pigs...

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Someone forgot to tell the Yankees they were playing the 2021 Orioles, not the 1971 Orioles.

TheWinWarblist said...

I feel washed out, like I've expended too much snark, anger and sarcasm since Opening Day. I realty need to pay more attention to my conditioning regimen.

DickAllen said...

Just keep drinking Win. It will really help

Carl J. Weitz said...

So they traded for Heaney because the analytical team detected a minor flaw the could fix. Time to hire a new team.

Carl J. Weitz said...

They*

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Dick,

I think Winnie's conditioning regimen *IS* drinking.

Platoni said...

They're being no-hit by probably the worst pitcher the Os have. This team would be unwatchable with 9 Rizzos in the lineup

Anonymous said...

Speaking of 1970-1

1971 CBS Tuesday Fall Line up Beverly Hillbillies, Green Acres, Hee Haw

That winter they added All in the Family and the world has never been the same since.

Doug K.

DickAllen said...

Watching this shit show, he should be drinking more. A LOT MORE!

DickAllen said...

The commercials are more compelling

Rufus T. Firefly said...

1997, Bob Watson retired as Yankee GM.

The Yankee universe has never been the same.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

They have a run, maybe they'll get a hit soon. Like before the toilet bowls score three more runs.

Anonymous said...

He should give Randolph's uniform back.

Doug K.

TheWinWarblist said...

Thanks for the advice DickAllen. I will be sure to toss back a couple tonight.

DickAllen said...


Remember when the Yankees swept Miami?

Those were the good old days

Rufus T. Firefly said...

The Yankees are being no-hit by this guy:

ERA Last 7 Days

22.50


It's a wonder brainless didn't trade for him.

Joe of AZ said...

Damn 22.50 Right down Cooperstown Cashmans alley

ranger_lp said...

Great pitching acquisitions huh?

TheWinWarblist said...

Speaking of playing 9 Rizzos, we used to do that in Strat-O-Matic. Play 9 Mattinglys against 9 Keith Hernandezs, for example. Have an average pitcher like Bud Black pitch for both the Matinglys and Fernandezs. Settle who's the best NYC first baseman once and for all.

TheWinWarblist said...

A hit, a very palpable hit!

Now where is Birnam Wood? Ma Boone should get him up in the pen.

DickAllen said...

How is it that our 30MM man can’t hit a meatball right down the pipe?

DickAllen said...

What a fucking joke - did he actually hit 59 home runs once upon a time?

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Hey, GlassMan is actually taking one for the team. Actually playing the outfield. It has to take a lot out of him.

Jeter must laugh at brainless every day.

JM said...

Just a rumor.

13bit said...

What you said about Bob Watson and 1997 is everything. Nothing has been the same since.

DickAllen said...

The only way the Yankees win this game is if the spaghetti-Os shit the bed. Which is not out of the question.

DickAllen said...

I think I can stop watching now. Win, pour me one, would you please? Make it a double.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

bit,

24 years. I have shoes older than that.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Cat on the field is looking for pizza rat.

13bit said...

Me too, Rufus, but it's a long time in GM years. Cashman is a unicorn at this point. In any other job - or on most other teams - he'd have been axed a LOOOOOOONG time ago.

TheWinWarblist said...

Suzyn was very concerned for the cat's well being. Apparently the grounds crew were too scary to the cat. Kind of like the way we're frightened of FlopSweat every night he pitches.

TheWinWarblist said...

Cash has got to be blowing Hal for everything their both worth.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

The sad thing is there is no light at the end of the tunnel. It's like rooting for the St. Louis Browns. Without Bill Veeck.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Well, that's how to take the air of that new start right away.

Simply inexplicable that they can't hit Jorge Lopez, with his 2-12, 6.19 ERA. He has been in the AL since 2018, and his previous record against the Yankees was 1-3, 7.23.

I guess there's no predicting shitting the bed.


TheWinWarblist said...

I could not do these games without all of you.

Fuck everybody else.

Anonymous Bosch said...

As Dean and the Weenies sang in their 1980s hit "Fuck You" -

Fuck the telephone company
Fuck national security
Fuck the prime interest rate
Fuck the Secretary of State
Fuck Union Carbide
Fuck Third World genocide
Fuck thermonuclear war
Fuck Mary Tyler Moore!

Maybe we could replace "God Bless America" with THAT!

ranger_lp said...

@Hoss “ I guess there's no predicting shitting the bed.,Suzyn “

Oasisdave said...

Well, Cole has tested positive for COVID so we won't see him for awhile. Let the implosion begin

Oasisdave said...

Taillon, Montgomery, Heaney, and Cortes

Sure to strike fear into the rest of the AL

Leinstery said...

Has Coops ever gotten a decent pitcher at the deadline? Clemens in 99, did that happen at the deadline? He makes me sick, this offense makes me sick.

Kevin said...

Yeah, we just need more analytics to put together a winner. It's obvious that the hitting is the result of some horrible mixture of geek analytics coupled with coaches who want to keep their jobs. Couple that with hitters who are trying to incorporate the "new information" into their swings, and....... Or else a whole team of hitters in their prime suddenly either don't give a damn or are all hitting the bong together after batting practice. Whatever. I've never seen this much talent tank like this. Obviously Cashman should go, but won't, Boone and staff fired. This organization needs a philosophical overhaul, if Hal is involved he should kick Cashman upstairs, I doubt that he's as bad as we believe, maybe bring in a "fundamentals guy" like Showalter. With our losing two starters in two days, my hope is gone (stranger have happened though) for this season. But assuming a season next year, Hal can still redeem himself, and put together a team that isn't patch worked like this team has been for most of the season. We are not that far from being a great team. If only.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Nah, Leinstery, he got Clemens before the season, for Wells and Homer Bush and Graeme Lloyd. A more typical deadline pick-up was Denny Nagel.

HoraceClarke66 said...

And yes, Bob Watson was critical, bless his name.

But it was really the holy trinity: Bob, Buck, and Stick. Of hallowed memory.

HoraceClarke66 said...

And yeah, I think Cole is the last straw.

Judge, Gio, Cole, and all sorts of assorted others picked up the Covid. I'm sorry, but this doesn't strike me as a good faith effort to stay clean.