Sunday, June 25, 2023

Oh Captain, my Captain: Thank you for telling us the truth about your injury. Clearly, the Yankees were not planning to do so.

Oh, Captain, my Captain, 

Heal. 

Seriously. Stay off the toe. Rest that bad boy. Inject platelets. Take a cortisone shot. Hit the jacuzzi. Do foot massages, pedicures, hot stones, goat yoga, milk baths, magic mushrooms, gummies - eat a human placentas, great nutritional value! - whatever. Dip your foot into the healing waters of the Hudson. Receive a blessing from the Pope. Or Taylor Swift. Are you getting me? Heal thyself. 

And thank you for telling us the truth.

It's a torn ligament, not a strain, and you could be sidelined for a much longer period than earlier suggested, in fact - gulp - indefinitely - the scariest word in the Cashman New World Yankee dictionary. 

Clearly, the front office was not planning to tell us. Ever. They'd leave fans in the dark through July and August - gulp - indefinitely.   

It's refreshing to have someone who speaks honestly to us, the bootless and unhorsed, lowly fans. When you became captain, I bet you didn't think that would become a responsibility. 

For weeks now, the Yankees have lied. At first, they suggested your toe was hardly a concern at all. (This was probably just wishful thinking, so we shouldn't condemn them.) But now we learn that the injury is far worse than disclosed, and that, once again, we should never believe a word that comes out of their mouths - gulp - indefinitely. 

Look, I understand why the Yankees lie. We're just fans. We don't matter. They can raise ticket prices, charge higher cable fees, play Jackie Donaldson, whatever they want. We'll squawk, but in the end, we'll capitulate. We are hapless, pathetic creatures, barely a notch above TV zombies. So they just say that all is well, and we plod through our miserable lives in the usual state of drunken unreality. 

They see themselves as Jack Nicholson, yelling you can't handle the truth! If we hear Aaron Judge could be out for the rest of the year, we might do something disastrous - like watch the Mets. Thus, like generals in a ground war, they cross their fingers and tell us what they think we want to heare.

What amazes me, though, is how effortlessly - how cleanly - they do this. Giancarlo Stanton would be back soon, Carlos Rodon would be back soon, Luis Severino would be back soon. All is well. Go home, everybody, there's nothing to see, Nasty Nestor will be back soon, along with Ellsbury and Pavano.  

Well, all is not well. The 2023 Yankees have fallen into a chasm. A season on the brink. And it might stay that way indefinitely. 

12 comments:

AboveAverage said...

Forever from this moment forward to be known and remembered as:

The Year of the Toe*

HoraceClarke66 said...

It's a sign! Bring back Ronald Torreyes!

The Hammer of God said...

Billy McKinney: did we underestimate this guy or was the braintrust (excuse me whilst I vomit, pfhaw ughhh ahem ah-hem) correct about him? He came up from the minors and reports were that his swing looked really good, compact, clean. On the home run yesterday, a 3-2 pitch just off the inside corner, he turned on a 97 mph fastball and hit it beautifully. The swing was perfect, and guess what, NO LEG KICK, or almost zero leg kick. That's the way you do it. Money for nothin' and your chicks for free.

JM said...

Reminding me yet again of the "Ball Four" joke about Mantle playing hurt...a lot. Wherein the Mick tells the skipper his head has fallen off, and the response is, "Yeah, but can you PLAY?"

I have no idea what the trainers could have done if Mickey tore a toe ligament. Maybe nothing. Maybe he'd be out for months. Or maybe they'd devise some scheme of taping his foot so the torn ligament would be minimized by making all the toes on that foot one big toe, held together with tape and wedged into a shoe that was three sizes bigger than the other shoe.

I'm not a doctor, and I don't play one on TV, just speculating.

All hail McKinney, this year's scrap heap breakout star. He may not have the requisite number of at-bats, but he is hitting over .300. Guys making 15, 20, 25, 30 million watch in awe and can't figure out how it's done.

The Archangel said...

They are probably pissed he spoke because this news may well hamstring tickets sales.

Ceeja said...

This lineup sucks even with Judge. The pitching is good so a complete tank is jot necessary. They need to get rid of Veteran's, be realistic about prospects, and sign position players in the offseason. For the n ext 5 seasons are equivalent to the twins. Good enough to make the playoffs and lose

The Hammer of God said...

Yanks actually won a 1-0 affair. The most difficult score by which to win a game.

Severino, might have been the best game he's ever pitched, at least since the plague of injuries started years ago. Could it be that he smells a new contract? That must be it.

Yankee pitching, by and large, has been very good this year. But they don't have the pitching to win games 1-0 and 2-1. They're not as good as the "torture" San Fran Giants back when they had Tim Lincecum, Madison Bumgarner, and a lineup full of rejects.

"Torture" San Fran Giants style won a World Series championship. "Torture" Yankee style will consist of losing a lot of 3-2, 2-1 games and missing out on the wild card by at least 5 to 6 games.

And then Cashman and Yankee PR staff will blame the injuries to Judge and Rodent: "Who could've foreseen all the injuries? Not us, though we be peerless seers sifting through fortune cookies and reading crystal balls!"

BTR999 said...

He got toe jam baseball

JM said...

He say, 1 and 1 and 1 is three.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

JM,

Did you get that info from the analytical department?

The Ghost of Spider Lockhart said...

Got to be good looking cause he's so hard to see. Miss the playoffs, oh yeah, can't you see?

JM said...

Rufus, good guess.

If the Ghost of Spider Lockhart is here, can the Ghost of Homer Jones be far behind?