WHO’S BEHIND THE NJ DRONES? IT IS HIGH - AND ORSON WELLES - OF COURSE!

THE ORSON WELLES CHRISTMAS STORY

BREAKING NEWS, AS WE COME ON THE AIR... 

A Missouri town, terrified by a talking snowman in a top hat!  

Jack Frost is in trouble again, this time for nipping at a nose! 

Cheese balls in schools, are they a threat to our children? 

It’s Christmas Eve, I’m Wolf Blitzen, and this is Frost News.

But first, the world tonight is mourning the death of philanthropist Christopher Foster Kringle, who passed away today at Santadu, his workshop north of Canada. Known for his hiring of migrant elves, Kringle won the 1938 Noel Prize for his work on the annual Christmas Eve Airlift. 

We’ll have more later on the man called “Citizen Kringle,” including his cryptic last words, but first, we take you to Grovers Mill, New Jersey, where Harold Angel is standing by, awaiting the traditional Christmas Eve arrival of Santa. Harold?

Thanks, Wolf. Any moment now, we expect Sleigh One to clatter down on a nearby rooftop, officially launching the night before Christmas. Helpers tell me Santa will read a statement on the death of his mentor, Chris Kringle, and then – wait! – there’s a bright light, up on high. Here comes Santa Claus! Pulled by his amazing team of reindeer, surrounded by - drones? Flashing lights. Wait – no – That’s not a sleigh! It’s a flying saucer! FLYING SAUCERS! NOT OF THIS WORLD! COMING IN FAST! FIRING ON US!  (Cough) THICK CLOUD. (Gasp.) CAN’T BREATHE! RUN, EVERYBODY, RUnghhhh- 

Hark, Harold, HARK!  We’re experiencing technical difficulties. We will return to Grovers Mill as soon as possible. Meanwhile, back to our top story - the death of Christopher Foster Kringle. Correspondent Jake Wrapper has been studying Kringle’s final words and – what? – I’m told we have a special bulletin - we now go to the White House, where George Shopandspendalot is standing by.

Wolf, moments ago, the Pentagon issued the following statement: 

“At 6:32 p.m., Eastern Christmas Time, alien invaders from Mars attacked Earth, enshrouding our planet in a dense, polarizing cloud. As a result, tonight's global airlift from Santa has been canceled. There will be no holiday, no toys, and no joy, whatsoever. Nevertheless, the President is urging Americans to, ‘Remain merry.’” 

George, regarding this cloud… can't somebody guide Santa’s sleigh tonight?

Impossible, Wolf. The weather outside is frightful. 

What's happening in Congress?

I was just there. Not a creature was stirring. 

All through the House?

Not even a mouse.

What about the Senate?

The usual fa-la-la. Frankly, it’s beginning to look a lot like Doomsday. 

Everywhere you go?

Everywhere you go.

Hold on. Joining me now is the owner and CEO of Frost News, Elon Scrooge, the world's richest man. Sir, what can you tell us about this attack?

Wolf, these drones are the latest in a string of Martian attempts to hack Christmas. On Thanksgiving, they sent heavily antlered reindeer to my home, after falsely claiming I used mistletoe to grope Prancer and Vixen. In the recent election, they were caught numerous times in the act of stuffing stockings. Now, this cloud is grounding all flights. We better watch out, because it won’t be Santa going down the chimney tonight. It’ll be Christmas! Bah!  

What can we do?

We can learn to speak Martian. If they’re lucky, kids will get lumps of clean coal, along with Bitcoin. Frankly, it’s for the best that Santa can’t fly, because nobody can afford milk and cookies. This holiday's on ice. 

Thanks, sir, it’s always a pleasure. Joining me again is Jake Wrapper. Jake, it’s hard to list all the reasons we should be terrorized and demoralized. But let’s try: Chris Kringle is dead, Mars has attacked, and we’re stuck in a thick cloud. Can anybody guide Santa’s sleigh tonight? 

No chance, Wolf. It’s one foggy Christmas Eve. Besides, sources tell me Santa’s team of reindeer is rife with name-calling and dissent. One member has even been banned from future reindeer games. 

What about Chris Kringle’s mysterious final words? Could they possibly offer a way to save Christmas?

I don’t know, Wolf. Before he passed, Kringle uttered one cryptic word: “NoseRed.” That’s all. “NoseRed." 

Hm-mm. I wonder what he meant?