That leaves Cohen and his aircraft carriers full of money looking for someone to accept his cash and make him whole again. Surely, he will follow the playbook of all schoolyard bullies: Beat up the nearest wimp.
That's us.
What better way to showcase his Hegsethian manhood than by outbidding the Yankees in some suddenly manufactured, existential auction? That could mean signing Cody Bellinger - because he can - or the Japanese starter, Tatsuya Imai, or Alex Bregman, or Dopy Dildox. Doesn't matter. The Dodgers just punked him with the Whoopie Cushion, and Cohen - in the manner of narcissists everywhere - needs to re-exert himself as NYC's Big Chief Lug Nut.
Amid the signings of Diaz and Kyle Schwarber (by the Phillies), the Yankees yesterday did - what's the word? - Schmegma? Lymph? Bupkis? They did nothing. You could say that Cooperstown Cashman is lying in wait, preparing to pounce. You could say that the front office is fully armed, ready to charge. Hell, you could say anything. What you can't say is the Yankees have yet to reveal a strategy to improve their chances in 2026. They are waiting to see what the Mets, Dodgers, Redsocks and Blue Jays do. Then, I assume, they'll make adjustments.
Last year, after Juan Soto went to the Mets, the Yankee reactionary strategy seemed to work. While the Mets were realizing how dreadfully they had overpaid for Soto, the Yankees quickly signed Max Fried and traded for Bellinger. In the end, the Orioles and Rays fell apart, Boston's youth movement proved to be a year away, but the Blue Jays ate our lunches.
It's hard to imagine the Yankees improving in 2026 without at least one major addition to the pitching staff. The question now: Will they have to beat Cohen, and his newly bloodied nose? The last thing Food Stamps Hal seems to want is a bidding war. It looks as though that's what he's going to get.
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18 comments:
The Dodgers have gone beyond what the Yankees used to be. Just throwing money at people almost indiscriminately, a half a billion dollar payroll (in non-bullshit accounting), just piling up every name even if they don't legitimately have a slot for them.
I feel bad for Mets fans. Blasphemy, I know, but this one has to hurt.
Runner-up Brian...
Creature Features, Chiller Theater, The Late Late Show…
From a recent Politico Poll
"“The strain is also reshaping how Americans spend their free time. More than a third — 37 percent — said they could not afford to attend a professional sports event with their family or friends, and almost half — 46 percent — said they could not pay for a vacation that involves air travel.”
The Yankees and the Mets are blowing it. They need to understand that, championship aspirations aside, they are an entertainment product and as such, when they demand that a family of four drop around $500 to see a game those "fans" need to have a reasonable expectation of winning.
No one goes to a Broadway show to see understudies and to listen to off key renditions of marginal show tunes. As we all know, right now, despite the massive amounts of spending both teams are poorly constructed and mismanaged.
The only true star the Yankees offer is Aaron Judge. No one is saying, "Kids get in the car I really hope Anthony Volpe is playing today. "
Rice?
Jazz?
Volpe?
MacMahon?
Uh no...
Judge
Grisham
Dominguez?
Yikes.
Wells?
An ancient Stanton?
There are better entertainment choices for $500. The Dodgers get it. Hal does not.
The ultra-rich, especially those like Hal, the nepo babies who were born into it, truly have no idea what life is like for most of the planet. They are divorced from reality. Their own reality is completely warped.
The Yankees seem content to do little other than spread their bullshit and happy talk around, as they mine the last few nuggets of nostalgia from the faithful. Perhaps they are truly content to write off ‘26 and focus on what comes next after the impending lockout.
✅
And we know how good they are at playing the long game, don’t we?
A better question, would Hal giva a shit. Don't forget, "We have lots of talented players on our roster," Genius Cashman.
Alonso to the Orioles (pending a physical). Suspect the Mets will really amp up the price for Bellinger now.
5 years, 155 mil. Wow, Mets losing two fan favorites.
It sounds like Hal and Steve are concerned about the salary cap next year...
Skubal to Dodgers. Jesus.
Not confirmed, JM, but may well be. It's a Sharknado!
Pretty brilliant, Doug. And yes, with Alonso gone, watch the Mets go after Bellinger now, because they can put him on first.
Which STILL might be the worst thing for the Yanks, if they then went after Ishmael, or whatever his name is. But they won't.
Sorry, meant to write "still might NOT be the worst thing" for the Yankees.
In any case, this puts Hal and Pal on the spot:
—You really want to win now, while the window on Judge and Cole is still open a teeny-tiny bit? Sign Bellinger, sign Imai, and hang the cost.
—You really think we can win with what we have? Let Spencer and The Martian duke it out for left field, and sign Michael King.
"None of the above" won't do. No more, "pivoting" or "Plan Bs." No more magic dumpster dives. You're in a corner, you cheap, smug rats. Time to choose.
I expect none of the above. Damn it.
When I read Hoss's "No more magic dumpster dives," the sound of Steppenwolf and "Magic Carpet Ride" surged through my brain...
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