Not dead yet!

 Breaking: The Maestro will be doing a talk show before Saturday's boogaloo with the St. Pete Tampons ... available on the Audacy app.

Rays Radio Network Guy Attacks Yankee Stadium On Public Airwaves

Flipping channels in the car yesterday, I came across the Rays Radio Network broadcast.

Calling the game from Tropicana Field, the announcer -- I didn't get his name -- derisively referred to Yankee Stadium as "The Replica."

It's Always Sparkly In The Hudson Valley

A Nightmare

With both teams in first place, a nightmare becomes a possibility: An All-Florida World Series.

Game Four Preview

Tomorrow, the Yankees will try to split the series with the Devil Rays (oops I just got fined), and generate a bit of fire before hitting the road. Keep in mind that these brave souls will have to jump on a plane after their game, and be ready for the first pitch in lovely Kansas City at 4 PM.



But will the Yanks have enough energy to survive this gauntlet? Fortunately, I know things. I'm Michael Kei. I roomed with another Mike last night; Mike Mussina actually. We both shared a room together at a beautiful New York hotel.

In the middle of the night, 'Moose' was gone! I looked under the beds, tore apart the closet, and even checked in the bathtub. No Moose. Then I heard noises outside. Sure enough, the brave Moose was doing Mooslie things. This time it involved this:

And eventually led to this:


Like a diabetic sugar fiend, Moose needed his fix. But he's ready to go and show those Tampa Bay punks that he might be older than anyone on their team, but he can still party with the best of 'em.
This is Michael Kei, over and out.

6-3: Got Gas?

“I got a little gas in the fifth inning.”
- Andy Pettitte

What?

WHAT???!!!

Oh, for crying out --

Does anyone have a MATCH? Of all the...breathe. Breathe.

Hey. Look. You know what would make us all feel better?

Nothing.

A Correction, Retraction and Apology

Since our inception, we at IT IS HIGH have sought to provide fans with an honest glimpse into the often harsh world of baseball through the prism of American humor.

Unfortunately, a mishandled attempt at "funny" can inflict pain in ways never intended. And then lawyers get involved.

Well, we offer this sincere apology.

In recent weeks, we tried desperately to conjure up a funny "rivalry" between the Yanks and the Tampa Bay Rays (formerly the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.)

Well, it's just not right.

It never worked. Our hearts weren't in it. We were wrong. We ended up shooting off our big fat, stupid mouths and saying awful things that just were not right. Worse, we said them about a hard-suffering, but truly great and successful, franchise.

We embarrassed ourselves. We embarrassed Yank fans everywhere. We should be hauled out into the back lot and slapped red. We should be kicked like a hounddog. We should be shut down. That's what we should be. Shut. Down.

We apologize to the good people of Tampa and Ray fans everywhere.

You Tamponites are a fine old bunch of chips. You deserved better than us.

Three cheers for the Rays!

Hip hip, Hoo Rays!

Hip hip, Hoo Rays!

Hip hip, Hoo Rays!

Casualties Anticipated Tonite as Yank-Ray "Cease Fire" Goes to Test

WASHINGTON _ President George W. Bush called tonight's impending battle against the 2008 Grapefruit Champion Tampa Bay Rays, formerly Devil Rays, a “defining moment" if Yank forces are to take control of the AL East.

The Rays are coming off the greatest achievement in their franchise history: an exhibition championship that was climaxed by a home plate collision that injured a 21-year-old Yankee catcher named Francisco Cervelli.

Rays defended the blind-siding of Cervelli in that, hey, they were sick and tired of games being suspended as ties, or stopped because pitchers had gone over their counts, and, by golly, it pissed them off, especially when they’re trying to win an exhibition championship.

Bush praised the emerging Tampa leadership of manager Joe Maddon.

New Yorkers have sworn allegiance to the shadowy horse cleric and Yank strongman Hank Steinbrenner.

Shelley Duncan Had a Chance to Crush a Ray at Home Plate

And he'd didn't.

This from Chad Jennings' great Scranton blog, which tells more about the Yanks than half the NY sportswriters' do, while they suck-up and slobber.

There's recent history between the Rays and Devil Yanks. Thursday, it came to a play at home plate, when Shelley Duncan -- our most badass bad ass -- came a-thunderin' round third. For a moment, you better believe Tampa manager JoJohn Maddon figured his catcher was about to face retribution for the Rays did two weeks ago to Francisco Cerveli.

Shelley could done to the guy what the Meramec River is doing to Missouri.

Level the playing field, I believe it's called.

This is what he did, captured by photog Jason Farmer, whose spectacular sequence of shots can be seen here.


It's what Elliot Johnson, the famous death Ray, should have done two weeks ago, and what Tampa ought to admit he should have done.

In an exhibition game, you play hard. You do not spear a guy at home plate.

And if you're the manager, a day after one of your players did it (which was the case going into the Yankee game), you take your team aside and you say... guys, let's not do that.

That's all this was ever about:

The wisdom of encouraging players to smash into each other in meaningless situations.

Maddon may be a decent guy. He was wrong. Girardi was right.

And in the regular season, when Shelley comes a thunderin' round third...

High fashion in Florida

Our friends at Rays Index are selling hilariously sweet "Yuck the Fankees" T-shirts. Seeing as how the average woman in Florida sweats through three or four of T-shirts a day, they're probably selling like six-packs of Coors Light at a St. Petersburg 7-11.

We suspect the trailer parks are awash in navy blue and faces everywhere awash in red from laughter.

We're a little surprised to see the item listed for sale under the heading "YUCK the FANKEES mens (more on back)", not that there's anything wrong with that.

While we're on the subject of Tampa, here are some news bits to ponder as the Rays embark on yet another thrilling bid to attain a .500 record:

Deputies search for kangaroo turns up nothing.

Seats at football stadium turn pink.

Tampa area janitors receive terrorism training.

Man charged with hoarding 18 dogs in his home. Was charged for same thing a year before.

Tampa Bay Bucs play "Rock You Like a Hurricane" during halftime of game against the New Orleans Saints.

Hey Tampa Bay, quit your bellyachin'

From this angle, looks like a clean slide to us!

WAR

MESSAGE FROM JOE GIRARDI, 12:44 p.m. 3/12/08

My fellow citizens, at this hour, Yankee and minor league farm forces are in the early stages of physical operations to disarm Tampa, to free its fans and to defend the league from grave danger.

On my orders, Shelley Duncan has begun striking selected targets of infield importance to undermine Joe Maddon's ability to wage war. These are opening stages of what will be a broad and concerted campaign. More than 35 players are giving crucial support -- from the use of bean balls and home plate collisions, to help with intelligence and logistics, to the deployment of combat units. Every player in this coalition has chosen to bear the duty and share the honor of serving in our common defense.

God bless the Yankees.

One day after Yankees manager Joe Girardi insisted his club would not retaliate for a violent home-plate collision in Saturday's game against the Rays, both clubs spilled onto the field at Progress Energy Park in a bench-clearing incident Wednesday.

In the first inning, Yankees starter Heath Phillips was ejected for throwing an up-and-in fastball to Rays third baseman Evan Longoria, grazing the batter and earning an immediate thumb from home-plate umpire Chad Fairchild.

In the home half of the first, the Yankees' Shelley Duncan escalated the incident by sliding hard into second base, clearing both benches. Play halted for several minutes as the two clubs engaged in shoving, and at least one punch appeared to be thrown.

As Grapefruit Pennant Race Heats up, Advil Rays Take 1-Game Lead

Stingless no more, Joe Maddon’s Tramplin' Tampons are on the verge of bringing the Grapefruit Pennant Flag to the long-suffering Ray Nation.

Despite Sunday's tough loss to Cinncinati, in which nobody puked blood, the Big Ray Machine stands 7-2 on the March march, maintaining a 1-game lead (2 in the loss column!) over the Johan-juiced Mets.

If he can avoid the dreaded post-St. Patty Day swoon, Maddon is a lock for Grapefruit Manager of the Year, having coaxed fullbacks like Elliot Johnson to pancake opposing catchers -- the Tampa Bay Level Rays? – and play Grapefruiters the way they should be played... to win... even if the games end in ties.

Hell, it's not that you never ever not try to not not-injure another player. That's Rayball, godammit.

Hell, we at IT IS HIGH will knock down our own gramma if she's trying to turn a DP, knowing she'll understand, instead of whining like some second-division aunt or uncle, who thinks we should come in standing up with cheap flowers and a box of chocolates. Hell, you lower your shoulder and aim for the old bird’s kneecap, so the snap resonates into the upper deck, and when the geez wakes up, she’ll know she raised you right! And you better believe Granny'll stand and cheer (hell, oxygen makes her gritty!) when you wave to her from high atop the 2006 recycled Orange Bowl float, parading along the Tamiami Trail of Heroes, celebrating the Grapefruit Crown to the joyous Tamponian throngs of rapidly reddening snowbirds who just returned from daytripping to the Sarasota Jungle Gardens & South Venice Flea Market.

Ahhhhhh, but don't start the celebration yet, Tampa. Nooooooo, sir. We’re 3 out with 3 weeks left. It’s gut-check time at Legends Field, and furnace-bellied Shelley "Slam" Duncan is stoking a fire inside Team Girardi. You can run us over. You can have Zim charge us. You can make the all-Maddon team. It ain't over.

We got three games with Tampa left this month. Then, in the final week of play, the Raysters face a tough 3-games with Cinncinati.

Hold onto your hats, baseball world. This spring pennant race is going to the wire. The Impossible Grapefruit Dream Rays are for real. Get in their way, and they'll run you over.

After all... it's March.

Rays MGR Maddon is oh-so whimsical, witty conversation pixie

Manager Joe Maddon, on whether he'll talk to Joe Giradi about Elliot "Diesel" Johnson's collision Saturday:

"If he'd like to have a conversation, I like to talk about politics. I can talk about global warming. I'm good with a lot of different topics on a daily basis. I like iTunes. I've downloaded some things off iTunes. I like different restaurants. I like red wine. I have a lot of different areas I can go conversationally."

Great Conflicts of HISTORY, Hisssstory, hissssstory

Once again, the mighty empires of Tampa Bay and New York met on the field of battle.


Once again, war loomed over the peaceful countryside like a, like a, um ... like a looming wartime gloom.


It began on a sun-washed glade when two mighty warriors, Elliot Johnson, son of Jacob Johnson of Saxony (er, make that Tampa Bay), crashed into Francisco Cervantes Cervelli, the mighty Yankee home protector, during a game on Saturday.


Cervelli the Great, was slayed on the field of battle (and he might have even broken his wrist!) and great armies from Tampa and New York were amassed to right this wrong.


“I think it’s uncalled for in spring training," declared emperor Joseph Girardi of New York. "You get people hurt and that’s what we got, we got Cervelli hurt.”


To which the Baron of Tampa Bay Joe Maddon replyeth: "We're playing it hard, we're playing it right. It was a bang-bang play at the plate."


Soldiers from New York took up arms.

Pikemen from the Duchy of Tampa were called unto battle.


The armies are poised.

Who knoweth what may happen next!