Don Mattingly, Marlins lift ban on facial hair

Can Armageddon be far behind? Are we to be the last bastion of decent, clean-cut young men in the major leagues? Is there no end to the shaggy, bizarre and hillbillyesque appearance of modern ballplayers that plagues us?

After the greatness of Cobb, Ruth, Gehrig, DiMag, Mays, Mantle, Maris, Aaron. even Williams...is unrestrained unkemptness truly the only option in this, the age of furry facemen?

Have we forgotten the Red Sox embrace of facial hair and general Neanderthal appearance as a rallying point in 2004 and 2013? Must we all sink to their level of Bostonian beardedness?

Donnie, Donnie, Donnie...what hath thou wrought?

Gammonites prepare milk bath for Redsock '17 Hall of Fame Superteam of Destiny (TM)

So much for the '27 Yankees. Ruth? Gehrig? Whadda they done lately? Mantle and Maris? Whitey and Yogi? 1961? Overrated. The moment has arrived for America's Citadel of Testosterone to welcome its new greatest ever: The Redsock '17 Hall of Fame Superteam of Destiny (TM) - winner of the next five World Series - is opening Camp Benintendi in Florida, where the hubris is thicker than the snowbird traffic on Tamiami Trail. From today's Gammonitic honks...

Adding [Chris] Sale to Rick Porcello and David Price gives the Red Sox a formidable starting rotation, but the rotation – and the rest of the roster – was plenty formidable without him. Porcello and Price have won Cy Young Awards in the past five seasons, and the three pitchers competing for the other two spots would easily win spots in most other rotations.

In case you didn't hear, the mighty 'Socks acquired Sandy Koufax Chris Sale, creating baseball's best starting rotation, for baseball's best lineup, and baseball's smartest smarties, and they did this while Tom Brady was conquering eternity and Big Papi was somehow managing to retire without a positive urine test. And did we mention Andrew Benintendi? Good lord, the rock-ribbed teen titan has added 50 pounds of muscle and can now single-handed lift Guernsey cows from sinkholes. Good lord, people, bow before fucking Zod. This team is a veritable golden shower of, well... - "jaw-dropping" talent.

[W]hile Sale was the jaw-dropping acquisition of the winter for the Red Sox, it's not lost on him that he's joining a team stocked with veterans of October, [and] a 93-win team returning largely intact.

"Jaw-dropping." That's right. There's a term you don't just hear enough. (I would have gone with "face-melting," but that's just me.) So, let's take a moment to lift our jaws from the floorboards. But wait! There's more. Don't forget the bullpen!

It’s not only the acquisition of Tyler Thornburg, the health of Carson Smith and the transition of Joe Kelly that has the relief corps in good shape at the start of spring training. All it takes is simple math to see how Sale will save the relievers from having to record one additional out each game this season.

Listen... We all know the deal on the 2017 Yankees. For us to win 90, every traffic light has to glow green. Even if our prospects produce, we're still a year away from the kind of jaw-dropping, face-melting, heart-stopping, Irritable Bowel Syndrome crapola that the Redsock blather machines are churning. This may be a year when we merely get to celebrate a Boston collapse. But if it happens, dear God, it should be fun.

In lieu of a contending team, the Yankiverse celebrates prospect rankings

Lost amid the news that Hannah Davis has been awarded the ultimate Jeter gift basket, Baseball America - the Bible of Human Potential - ran it's Top 100 prospects list yesterday. (We scored seven on it.) Simultaneously, Baseball Prospectus published its Top 101. (We had nine.) Analyst John Sickels unveiled his Top 200 (We placed 10.) If IT IS HIGH ever does one, it'll be the Top 1,000, and we'll score at least 20.

These lists have a purpose. Just remember to flush. They are parlor games, the type played by fund managers at Mar-a-Lago, while they oogle the nuclear football. Last summer, the fabled New York fucking Yankees stank so badly that their owner collapsed the circus tent and sold off the elephants. This spring, we're looking good on prospect lists. Excuse me if I fart. 

All you need to know about Baseball America's esteemed list is that two years ago, Boston's international man of mystery, Rusney Castillo, placed 21st. He had come north from Cuba and launched a bidding war. The Redsocks won it. They've already paid him $23 million, and they owe $49 million more. They'll have him until 2020, when he is 32. Last year at Pawtucket, he hit .263 with 2 HRs. When Redsock fans blather about future Hall of Famer Andrew Benintendi, cover your ears and shout "RUSNEY CASTILLO!" They will go away. 

But let's talk about Aaron Judge, the Yankee leviathan. In 2015, he placed 53rd on BA's list. Last year, he fell to 76th. This year, he ranks 90th. (Sickels dropped him to 143rd.) From all "expert" indications, Judge is on the verge of becoming our Rusney.

The reason for this pessimism is Judge's sorry play last August, when the Yankees sprang his escape from Scranton's coal mines. He flashed power and athleticism, but basically stank out the Bronx - fanning in half his at bats. (You all know this.) True believers note that Judge always struggled after promotions. Last year, a tweaked gonad took him out before he could adjust. We still don't know what we've got.

What if - say - Judge's gonad (which must be the size of a state fair watermelon) had barked last July, and Judge stayed in Scranton? His record for 2016 would show him crushing Triple A. There's be no bad September, no blitz of strikeouts. My guess: He'd be ranked higher on every list. The fact is, he is better off for getting a glimpse of MLB pitching - he's had a winter to adjust - but if he'd stayed in Scranton, he'd now be ranked higher by the "experts."

Don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining that Aaron Judge should be ranked higher in these stupid lists. I'm just saying we should not get lulled into a sense of imminent success by them. They are baseball's equivalent of the "Most Popular" polls in high school. And we all know what happened to that former star quarterback, right?  

Over the last three years, the most heralded prospect in baseball has been Byron Buxton of the Twins. Last year he got the call. He played in 92 games. He hit .225. Maybe 2017 will be his breakout year. Or maybe rankings just don't matter. It's a tough game.

JEET SCORES WINNING RUN!

Did the Chris Carter signing force the trade of Brett Gardner?

Damn. A week later, it still makes no sense. I should drop it. What's done is done. Why scream at the mountain? It doesn't listen. It's been here a million years. It'll be here a million more. The mountain doesn't care.

Last week, we learned the truth about the Yankees: They'll sign anybody, if he's cheap. It doesn't matter if they need him. If he's cheap, he's ours. So we should consider 2017 a gap year. Instead of going to college, Hal Steinbrenner plans to take the year off, tour Europe, climb mountains, read poetry, find himself and maybe get laid. Come 2018, he'll return with tattoos and a plan. In the meantime, we should be patient and supportive.

For now, we have an outfield mess. And it might mean we trade Brett Gardner, who has done more for the Yankees than Hal ever will. But why scream? It does no good.

Early this winter, Brian Cashman shopped Gardy, to no avail. Now, he must try harder.

And why? It's because of Chris Carter, the second coming of King Kong Kingman. Carter "plays" OF and 1B, though by all accounts, he's a disaster with a glove, a blight upon humanity. Also, for every HR, he will strike out five times and hit into a bunch of DPs. But... he was cheap.

So here is our current outfield situation.

LH: Gardner, Jacoby Ellsbury, Mason Williams.

RH: Aaron Judge, Matt Holliday, Chris Carter, Rob Refsnyder, Tyler Austin.

SH: Aaron Hicks.

Right now, our lineup likely would be Gardy in left, Ellsbury in center and Judge in right, with Holliday as DH. That leaves Hicks and Carter as backups. The ballyhooed "competition" for the final roster spot has been canceled. Thus:

1. The career confinement and torture of Rob Refsnyder will finally end, with a verdict pronounced based on opportunities he never received. Scouts said Ref couldn't play 2B, and we went a whole year with Stephen Drew. Now, they say he can't hit for power, and - well - that is that. He'll either get traded for next to nothing, or - gulp - he'll be sent to Scranton for a fourth year. I really can't see that happening. Maybe he'll just disappear, like in a Twilight Zone episode, and nobody will recall him ever existing, you know, like Paul Manafort.

2. Mason Williams and Tyler Austin both will return to Scranton, clogging the arteries of the entire farm system. Austin could platoon at 1B with Greg Bird, but why kid ourselves? He has minor league options, and Carter doesn't. As usual, the size of the contract is key. So Carter will get the playing time. We won't escape those 200 strikeouts, folks.

3. The Yankees can bundle Refsnyder, Williams, Austin and/or somebody else in a trade for some craggy veteran innings-eater. They won't get a young stud pitcher - but somebody pushing 33 and fading. No rising team - the kind that would take a chance on Ref or Williams - will give up a young arm. So we'll trade youth for old age. Sound familiar?

4. Cashman goes back on the market with Gardy. He waits waits waits for some key OF on a contending team to tweak a gonad. He packages Gardy with a low-level prospect for one of those 27-year-old arms - the next Nathan Eovaldi - that Cashman knows from wet dreams. We would replace the best fielding left-fielder in baseball with Holliday's achy knees and Chris Carter's concrete glove. Prepare for a shock.

It's a quagmire, a Rube Goldberg machine. But why torture ourselves? What's done is done. Let it go. If everything works, maybe we win that wild card. But here's the reality: We are an expensive team run by a cheap owner, and 2017 could be the year everything collapses. But it won't matter to the mountain. It never does.

Write this down: Here is the reason for hope in 2017

Last year, I saw one unforgettable Scrantonian. His name was Giovanny Gallegos. He came in to pitch an inning against the mighty Syracuse Chiefs. He struck out the side. Nine pitches. Maybe eight. In fact, no, it was seven. Giovanny Gallegos. Right-handed reliever. Bulldog. Remember that name. Giovanny fucking Gallegos. Gio. Vanny. Gal. Fucking. Egos. Giovannygallegos. Gi. Oh. Van. Ee. Gal. Yay. Gos. I can keep doing this. You think I can't? You think I will run out of steam? You are wrong. Giovanny Gallegos. Giovanny Gallegos. We are going to love this guy. Forget Tyler "The Yankee" Clippard. This is our seventh inning. Giovanny "The Yankee" Gallegos.

Saturday sausage links

By this time next week, the Yankiverse will be ejaculating with news tidbits about so-and-so arriving "in the best shape of his career," and "primed for a breakout season," maybe even having "a whole new outlook," raising hopes among fans... and eyebrows among the hookers of Tampa.

Fake news. Might as well come from Macedonia middle-schoolers. Brace yourselves, folks. The first wave of bullshit is about to arrive. 

In the meantime, we must make-do with these slippery little news-like thingys.

The Yankees have released seven minor league pitchers you never heard of and, now, never will. All I'm saying is this: One was/is named - get this - Zak Wasserman, and he had been signed last year from - get this - the Windy City Thunderbolts. I swear this is true. If I'm lying, may the Irritatible Bowel Syndrome lady appear unto my water closet. There is/was a Zak Wasserman and a Windy City Thunderbolts, but neither matters any more to the future of the Yankees. Wait. That's too harsh. Being an obscure writer, I have a thing for obscure players. Let's wish Zak Wasserman the best. Let's wish them all good luck. And if they get a chance to sit it out or dance... I hope they dance.

Newsday asks, "What's next for Gary Sanchez?" (In the competition for asking trenchant questions, Charlie Rose aint losing sleep.) What's next for Gary? My guess: He shows up for camp this week "in the best shape of his career" and "ready for a breakout season." What's next for Newsday? Clicks, I guess. Isn't that why you use questions in headlines? Because you have no answers? What's next for IT IS HIGH? That would have been a better tag, no?

Brian Cashman went on talk radio yesterday to hawk the brand - (By the way, Kellyanne could have done a better job) - and basically said the reason for signing all-or-nothing back-up DH Chris Carter was that he was... cheap. Real cheap. It's rare that the Retrieval Empire's bold and courageous flea market strategy has been so nakedly revealed. If the price is right, Cash will buy anything - maybe even a team Squatty Potty. Will we sign a last minute rag arm? Yes, as long as nobody else puts in a bid. 

Now that the buzzwords of "public altercation" and "resisting arrest" have faded, New Yorkers are starting to realize that they have far more respect for Charles Oakley than James Dolan, owner of the worst-run sports franchise on planet Earth. The Gray Lady's Michael Powell writes, "The Knicks seemed to realize Friday that they had taken a sledgehammer to their brand, as N.B.A. stars such as Dwyane Wade, LeBron James and Chris Paul, as well as former players and television celebrities, rallied quickly to Oakley’s defense." Whatever Oakley may have shouted at Dolan - he claims he said nothing - there's not a Knick fan in captivity who wouldn't have yelled worse. You know those GOP Congressional oil cans who are getting screamed at in town meetings? That's nothing compared to what Dolan would hear, if he were ever put in a room with ticket-holders. This isn't over. Hashtag: We are all Charles Oakley. 

More new rules to save the game

As you know by now, the brain trust of baseball might test-drive a new rule for extra innings games in the minors, allowing each team to start with a runner on second base. That will hasten scoring and save teams from playing endless games - basically, for free. 

This is a great change, long-overdue. For years now, fans have been calling, shouting, begging for this. Nobody likes extra inning games, least of all those who are forced to sit through them. Moreover, how is a business supposed to make money by giving away product - for free? That's the problem with this country. People think it's their God-given right to watch a game drone on into the eleventh or twelfth inning - without paying. Well, that's not gonna happen anymore. We're gonna get rid of dull lead-off singles, bunt sacrifices and stolen base attempts - - BOOOOO-RINNNNG. Man on second. Base hit scores him. Game over. Go home. 

Here are other ways to shorten games and save this failing sport:

1. Mercy Rule. Ten-run lead in the second? Halt the game. It's over. Bye-bye. Nobody comes back anymore. It's not even worth trying. You might injure a star. All the polls show fans want this. I get calls. People say, "We want a mercy rule, Duque, but we're afraid to speak out in public. You're doing the right thing by arguing for it. God bless you. Do you even know how wonderful you are?" I shrug it off. This is not about me. It's about the movement. And it's about one of the greatest aspects of humanity: The act of mercy. I can't believe so-called "Americans" actually would no mercy to a poor team that is down and out. Shame, shame, shame. Savings: Statistically, average length will shrink by one to two minutes per year. Also, will boost excitement in nine-run games!

2. Home run - no trot. Once the ball leaves, why watch the fat guy jog the bases? New rule: He goes straight to the dugout, and we move on to the next pitch. It will save injuries. Less chance of turning an ankle. We simply can't afford to subject superstars to this wear and tear. This will encourage players to try and hit more home runs, which will improve the game. Right now, many hitters simply don't try to swing for the fences, because they fear striking out. Look at Rob Refsnyder. He wants to bat .300, rather than hit 20 HRs. I'M TIRED OF PLAYERS PUTTING THEMSELVES ABOVE THE TEAM. If he allows himself to hit - say . 210, I bet he can put up some meaning HR totals and actually benefit the Yankees! Savings: Estimated 60 seconds per HR, which means - if we can bring in the fences, as I also suggest - 15 to 20 minutes per game! Bravo.

3. Seven-inning double headers. Already a staple of the minors. Of course, MLB doesn't play double-headers anymore - you can't make money by giving away product? (SEE ABOVE) But on the few occasions when, due to rain outs or rioting, it's simply cheaper to cram in two games on one day, cut the innings. Jeez, is it rocket science? Who is going to complain? The fans? Don't make me laugh. They should be happy to get 14 innings for the price of nine. And if some whine, you know what? I'd personally like a shot at them. Oooh, what I'd do! Savings: Six innings per year. 

4. Play two innings straight in the field. This way, we don't have to sit through the warming up of pitchers and changing of the defense. The team bats for two innings, with two three-out sets. Out, out, out - defense and pitcher hold their places - out, out, out. Everything flows smoothly. Everything moves on time. Savings: Three minutes per half inning, that's about 24 minutes per game! You're home by nine, ahead of the curfew.

5. Eliminate innings, and install a game clock. Yeah, a few traditionalists will squawk. Hell with them. Play one-hour games four quarters and a nice half-time show - the Rockettes, not some preachy disco queen getting felt-up by a gaggle of gay Chippendales. Where are the June Taylor Dancers? Is Up With People still going? Each team gets three time outs. The clock stops for foul balls, which means batters can "spike it" with bunts, halting play. We'll have two-minute drills! If a fielder fumbles a grounder, the base-runner can recover! Or intercept the throw. (Another thing: Give umps whistles! They're the only refs without whistles.) Savings: Big.  

6. Something, anything, with the Irritable Bowel Syndrome lady. Not sure how to incorporate her, but I think she should be a spokeswoman for this website, and at the least, a fixture in Scranton for the coming season. Let's give Pennsylvania something to cheer.

Already, NYC writers are focusing on 2018

Plight of the Yankee Fan, 2017

Anybody out there have an old cryonic suspension freezer that they're not using? I'm willing to pay market value for "pre-owned," especially if it comes in midnight blue. I'll lie down, read "Goodnight, Moon," go to sleep and wake up in 2018, after the asteroid strike, when the Yankees are leading their three-team league.

Today, Rupert Murdoch's Ken Davidoff - wait, let me rephrase - Jerry Hall's Ken Davidoff outlines the candidates to be "OFFICIAL ACE OF THE 2018 NEW YORK YANKEES," - sort of the pitching version of Bigelow Tea. Apparently, the immediate season is just too depressing for a 400-word news hole. We're already looking ahead to the post-A-Rod Yankee Dystopia of free agents, international imports and James "Katfish" Kaprielian.

Meanwhile, Fox Sports is humping Brian Cashman's four off-season "mulligans," which mostly decry his inability to trade Jacoby Ellsbury for - well - a good cryonic tank. Is it just me, or as training camp nears, is the reality of a middling Yankee team starting to sink in?

Question of the day: Do the Yankees need a Charles Oakley?

Last night, the disgraceful, unforgivable, multi-generational mediocrity of the NY Knickerbockers came to a head on the oaken shoulders of Charles Oakley, the former power forward. Oak was arrested for shouting insults at Knicks owner James Dolan, and had to be "escorted" from the game by police.

Wish I had a tape of what he was yelling. Whatever he said, it's true.

As far as the Yankees are concerned, it's waaaaaay too early to set fire to 2017. And for all our misery, the Yankees cannot be compared to the Knicks. The only comparison to the Knicks would be the Washington Generals, traditional rivals of the Globetrotters. But if the Yankees collapse by mid-summer, and the front office tries to hide its mismanagement by trading youth for big name players - a signature Knicks policy - we'll need a Charles Oakley.

It won't come from anybody working at YES. They'll just criticize the rookies and marvel at the incredible deals the Yankees pulled off by jettisoning them. Nope. Our Oakley will have to be somebody off the books, who has a history of barking and getting in trouble.

My guess:

David Wells.

Boomer, stay ready.

Who else?

The hope of winter is melting into the despair of spring

In a way, it's weird that Yankee diehards would lament the signing of last year's NL home run king. It's why Torontoans, Clevelandites and Buffaloons call us fat cats and ding dongs. Most fan bases would happily polish the turds of a guy who can win the prestigious All Star Game Home Run Derby. Why are we so ornery? Sad.

I think we're whining less about signing Chris Carter than about the implications of signing Chris Carter. It's been a rough week, shaped by three revelations:

1. Carter's sudden appearance, which nobody - not even David Brooks - predicted. It clearly signals that the front office is hedging bets on Greg Bird. There is no other way to spin it. Bird, still recovering from shoulder surgery, didn't play 1B in the Arizona Fall League. Nor did he hit much - one HR and .215 - a mere 21 points above the Mendoza of the Minors, Father Tim Tebow. All last year, we blissfully pictured Bird returning in 2017 as a rising star. Now, we wonder what the trainers know.

2. The Baseball Prospectus this week projected the 2017 Yankees to win 81 to 84 games, which basically means, "also ran." At best, we chase a wild card. At worst, well - it's the early 1990s all over again. Do we trade for Rickie Henderson? Last August, we were spoiled by Gary Sanchez and the "Baby Bombers," lifting a team that had been left for dead at the Vince Lombardi Rest Stop. Now, we're looking at 84 wins? Last year, we won eighty four games. You can feel the silicon leaking from our boobs.

3. Joel Sherman reported yesterday that the Yankees have been shopping Starlin Castro - to no avail. We might as well be selling Ivanka handbags. Our roster is a garage sale of junk with Antique Road Show price tags. Our untradables include Castro, Brett Gardner, Chase Headley, CC Sabathia and - God help us - Jacoby Ellsbury. We can tout our farm system, but until it starts producing amber waves of grain, we're stuck with the bones of last year's team. Lumber 84. If we collapse, our only trading chips could be Dellin Betances and Masahiro Tanaka, two career Yankees. Talk about being kicked when you're down.

We need a March Miracle, some fuzzy chinned urchin who seems to step from the cast of Stranger Things II, and who takes Tampa by storm. We need Cliff or Gleyber or Justus - yes, give us Justus! We need a unicorn, a fairy godmother, a guardian angel... yes, an Irritable Bowel Syndrome lady, guiding us to a gentle, laxative-laced glory. Between the current all Trump, all the time! news cycles and eighty four wins... I'll never survive 2017.

Joe Torre Wants to Ruin a Game He Apparently Doesn't Understand

"It's not fun to watch when you go through your whole pitching staff and wind up bringing a utility infielder in to pitch," Joe Torre told Yahoo.

What?!

Report: MLB considering starting extra innings with runner on second base

Big Bang adds: "He wants to destroy the thing he's in charge of. Like Trump's Cabinet, right?" 

Uh-oh. Benintendi's potential is INCREASING!!!!

With each passing moment, he grows STRONGER, testosterone COURSING THROUGH HIS VEINS, with powers and abilities FAR BEYOND THOSE OF MORTAL MAN.

Only one thing could bring this man-mountain back to earth.

Irritable Bowel Syndrome. 

WTF?

Hello America,

I am writing this from an island outside of the continental shelf, and in waters claimed by both China and Betsy DeVos.

My primary purpose is to see if this communication will transmit, as I was recently brought down by " malware."  I think it came packaged as that thing LBJ warned us about.

In any case, what should arrive in a corked bottle ( I was hoping for Crown Royal ), but a Yankee sheet labeled, " transactions."  It was written in script....a lot like The Palmer Method....forced down our gullets in primary school.  Now, with home schooling on the horizon, one will need only to scratch letters into the ground with a stick.  But I digress.

The handwriting was clearly that of Hal S. or his doughty sister.  Or her ex-husband, the drunk and gadabout in Tampa.  In any case, it was leaked ( or floated ) insider information.  Not meant for the media and not meant for publication or verification.

So I read the notes;  " load up on first basemen ; use bullpen more; get off this re-building idea; save money;  find discards; save money; keep Jacoby and Gardy; make up stuff about our prospects; ignore starting pitchers...."

The remainder of the scribblings were obliterated by seawater, and rendered unreadable.  But the list went on and on.

It was formulated, as if by a madman, with no understanding of actions or consequences.  Drafted by a person clearly unhinged with respect to what the Yankees stand for, and how you win in baseball.  This was the handiwork of a person in power (acquired through money, ) and bent on, " fooling the dim-witted, easily manipulated followers of the team," as he tweeted it.

Follow his lead into the abyss, I say.

We may no longer recognize the Yankees after a few more weeks.

Why Duque Is Wrong About the Chris Carter Signing

I have great respect for El Duque, let me say that upfront. However, his kind of activism is not productive. It is not making the Yankees' future success safer. 

His latest decision on the Chris Carter signing is a case in point. His analysis is woefully misguided.

Carter is the linchpin in our strategy to make the Yankees great again. His signing is typical of where the genius of Halle and Bri-Bri lies. We don't need starting pitchers. We'll cover some starts with bullpen guys who get three or two or one inning(s) in a game; it's not important. The crucial part of any American League team, since the Designated Hitter rule was introduced in 1927, is the DH rotation. The so-called "experts" may deride it, but getting the right DH rotation in place has been key to nearly every AL Championship team from the late 1920s to last year's 2019 season. You can look it up on Breitbart. The facts are all there.

We need to get off this meme about starting pitchers, who don't really matter a whit, and start looking at why we need a solid four- or five-man DH squad. Think of the possibilities for Joey Binders. It exploits his greatest strength:  the ability to match an individual player perfectly to an individual game situation. This is what has won us the AL crown these past seven years, and played an important role in our dominance of NL teams during the World Series, even in NL parks. You don't have to believe me. It has been exhaustively covered by RedState and other highly regarded journalistic websites.

Isn't it time we collectively took our heads out of the sand? Clearly, the successes of the past decade have shown that the Yankees leadership is made up of sound and inspired decision makers. Their lack of tweets should not be held against them. And anyone who disagrees with what they are doing should just shut up and go find another team to root for.

I hope I've made myself clear. God bless the New York Yankees.

Chris Carter is consistent with the new Yankee tradition

Hoping to get their credentials re-upped, a few brown-nosing Gammonites today are troweling the snake oil pitch that the Yankees' signing of 30-year-old Chris Carter is a brilliant move because:

1. At $3.5 million, he's cheap.

2. If he doesn't hit, we'll release him.

3. If he hits, we'll trade him.

4. It's only one-year.

5. He's cheap.

Exciting, eh? It's all I can do to keep from driving to NYC to stand in the ticket line, which by now must surely stretch to White Plains. We've signed mighty Casey! The 2017 National League Home Run leader! A solid veteran DH, now in his third team in three seasons.

We have been here before. Ron Kittle. Gary Ward. Jack Clark. Ken Phelps. Rickie Sexson. Jose Canseco. They saunter up to the plate, take three big cuts, then saunter back to their well-warmed seats. But wait: Carter also grounds into DPs! Last year, he launched 18, three times that of Mark Teixeira, who retired rather than be embarrassed. Clearly, all that January hype about the "Baby Bombers" tandem of Greg Bird and Tyler Austin doesn't apply to February. The last two players we've signed play 1B: Carter and Ji-Man "Oy!" Choi. We have three starting pitchers and a slag pile of DH/1Bs. For fifth starter, maybe we can sign the Irritable Bowel Syndrome lady.

So, while Hal Steinbrenner - alias Pennywise the Clown - hides in the sewer during negotiations with pitchers, he does pop up to buy a used condom, because - hey - it was only a quarter! Is this the new Yankee strategy? Buy damaged goods at the flea market, polish them, and then spin them for a nickel profit on July 31? Hal has become a certified American Picker. He should chew a toothpick and wear a pocket t-shirt. Who knows what treasures we'll find down there in the cellar.

Today, the Yankees have a four-man DH rotation: Matt Holliday, Carter, Bird and Gary Sanchez, when he needs a day off from catching - plus the Unknown Aarons - Judge and Hicks - and the inevitable nagging injuries that keep Gardner and Ellsbury from playing the field. Here's a thought: Billy Butler is still out there! He can round out the rotation. You know what they say: Baseball is 90 percent DHing, DHing, DHing...

Two-hundred-and-six strikeouts, 18 double-plays and a glove that goes clank. Wow. But... HE'S CHEAP! And in the new Yankee reality, that's all that counts.

Yanks add 206 strikeouts, another too-old-and-too-slow, to 2017 batting order

Chris Carter - a career .218 hitter and a certified disaster in the field - is about to sign a one-year deal with the Evil former Empire - marking the first bad omen of 2017, the first indication that something is wrong with Greg Bird's recovery, and the first sign that Tyler Austin will never get a fair shot at proving himself.

The Yankees just took 500 at bats from their young players - the ones on which they've been selling hope - and donated them to a 30-year-old free swinger, who last season produced the seventh highest strikeout total in baseball history, and who wasn't even tendered a contract this winter by his old team, the mighty Milwaukee Brewers. Yeah, he led the NL in homers, with 41, but good grief - he only drove in 94 runs. Take away the homers, and he was barely out there.

It's rare that a signing - Hal spending money - conjures such an odious sense of despair. But did you think that Chase Headley struck out too often last season? He fanned 118 times, tied with Starlin Castro for team lead. That's a half-season of Carter!

Remember how awful A-Rod was last July, before they pulled his plug? In 224 at bats, he struck out 67 times. As bad as he was, A-Rod still didn't whiff as regularly as Carter.

Imagine all the times ahead, when all we need is to put the bat on the ball... and... and... excuse me, I gotta throw up.

Something to hope for...

Wouldn't it be neat if the guy who stole Tom Brady's jersey turns out to be Ruben Rivera?

He would immediately become the greatest thief in history.

Mike Axisa, say it ain't so

Et tu, River Blue?

Exciting news: Yankees take silver in the race for Sergio Romo!

Yankee fans should be giddy over the news that we apparently finished high in the recent auction for free agent pitcher Sergio Romo. Jesse Sanchez of MLB.com tweeted that the Yankees made "a late push" for Romo, who signed a one-year deal with the Dodgers.

Way to go, Hal! His growing collection of silver medals - most notably, the Yoan Moncada First-Runner-up Austerity Award of 2014 - inspires Yank fans everywhere. Second place! Late push! Financial security!